I will never surrender

Over and Out....maybe there will be another comeback. but im very tired in general. everytime i have reached or almost reached my old level i get fucked again. im unable to motivate myself. lets face it: this is going nowhere.
 
BW dropped by 5 kilos. all i can do is wait, wait, wait....
 
this morning i woke up and couldnt move due to abnormal pain in my stomach + muscle crampings in my back and my chest (no, i havnet trained for weeks). went to the doctor (all the nurses know me already :wink: ).
pain comes from the colitis and there is nothing you can do about it (it got better on its own). crampings come from the cortison. nice. thats what i needed. some more problems. :icon_evil
but the last bloodwork was fine :icon_excl
round 2 is pretty tough.
 
since im off the imurek i dont feel incredible sick all day anymore (i couldnt even drink before). so next monday i will get another medicament. still heavy bleeding. go to toilette about 8-10 times. weighed myself: 85 kilos. yesterday i felt quite good for some hours. so i tried how many hcin ups i can still do. got 14 with a deadhang after each rep. At least 2 more weeks untill i can train again. but it can also be 2 months or years. who fucking knows?
 
CRP : 20. have to go up with the cortison again (30-0-10) although my body is aching under the influence of high dosage of cortsion over 10 months now. new medicament is normally used against leukemya (bloodcancer). hopefully it helps. my girlfriend and i stipulated, that we wont see and hear each other for the next weeks. she was the biggest help you can imagine for the last months (you can even say years now :icon_cry2 ) but my love is too big to take her with me to wherever it goes from now on. i know, she needs a break and she cant help me at the moment. i have reached my psychologicall maximum. im loosing everything that was important to me in life. it has got to end soon. either way.
 
Damn..................

I wish you best of luck.

No where to go but up right?
 
Thats very true.
Had to cry a littel bit, yesterday.
talked to my mum.
my best friend came home from holidays.
so, today i feel much better mentally.
Yesterday it was just too much.
but this thread has its title for a reason!
 
graedy said:
Thats very true.
Had to cry a littel bit, yesterday.
talked to my mum.
my best friend came home from holidays.
so, today i feel much better mentally.
Yesterday it was just too much.
but this thread has its title for a reason!
Click to expand...
You the man dude.
 
Thx.
I feel terrible sick tonight again. Hopefully its not from the new medicament. If thats the case i have a really big problem. I have been afraid quite sometimes in my life. Like any normal person. But now i get an impression what fear really means. Soon its 2 years since the diagnosis. 2 fucking years of fighting an unbeatable enemy, that fucks you up more and more and more..... gives you hope, destroys it, gives you hope.......
I remember a long time ago, i thought about if its really necessary to take small amounts of cortison. Now i take medicaments, that can kill me over night. How time goes by.
 
WoW, ur are an inspiration for me, keep ur head up man and just fight on the fight aint over till the bell rings..
 
Thx.
Im off of the next medicamet (the leukemya one) due to sideeffects. CRP: 75 (normal 5). Cortison 30-0-20.
Bad: Much pain, going to toilett very often, musclecrampings, feeling sick
Good: Almost no bleeding, dont feel extremly sick ALL the time (makes me able to eat).

Now, there is only one medicamet left. I will probably start taking it in 2 weeks.
Talked to my Doc about the sideeffects of longtime cortison-use.
Its bad to take more than 10 mg for longer than one year.
I take an average dosage of about 40-50 mg for about one year now.
Its time to get of this stuff!
 
Have u been able to train latelly??
 
No. Im pleased when im able to leave the house (to go to another place where a toilett is in direct reach). Most of the day i sleep or sit arround and wait till the sickness gets a bit better, so i can eat a little bit.
 
Had a Gastroscopy on Monday. That was hell. Everything cramped because its very sensitive at the moment. My Bowel and my dupdenum are also ignited from the medicaments. Should go away on its own because i dont take the medicaments anymore.
Tuesday and this morning were unreal. I had to scream like mad everytime i was on the toilette (and that was often).
Now its much better.
And because i was so fucking pissed because of all the pain and bad news, i did a little workout.

- 17 FullRom chinups (man, i was suprised)
- 10 Towel pullups (with short deadhangs) left over rght
- 9 Towel pullups right over left
- 50 Pushups


i was so gassed :(

10 min break

10 mins at very slow pace on the Concept II Rower.

I would like to keep on exercising to deal with my anger. But i cant :(. My body is a complete mess.
 
Almost blacked out on the toilette today because of the pain. Heavy bleeding. Sometimes i have to go to the toilette 4-5 times in one hour. Its absolute hell. Cortison up to 40-0-20.

When i felt a little better for some time, i spent 10 mins on the Concept II Rower. Then 50 incline push ups. I feel like dying most of the time but i have to do some kind of exercising (if you can call it like that :icon_cry2 ). Otherways i would probably kill myself.
Bodyweight: 80 kilo.

I really dont know whats going on. The cortison is up,up,up. But it still gets worse. The pain is abnormal. There is no perspective. Only one medicament with hardcore possible sideeffects. Show is over soon.
 
graedy said:
Almost blacked out on the toilette today because of the pain. Heavy bleeding. Sometimes i have to go to the toilette 4-5 times in one hour. Its absolute hell. Cortison up to 40-0-20.

When i felt a little better for some time, i spent 10 mins on the Concept II Rower. Then 50 incline push ups. I feel like dying most of the time but i have to do some kind of exercising (if you can call it like that :icon_cry2 ). Otherways i would probably kill myself.
Bodyweight: 80 kilo.

I really dont know whats going on. The cortison is up,up,up. But it still gets worse. The pain is abnormal. There is no perspective. Only one medicament with hardcore possible sideeffects. Show is over soon.
Click to expand...
Man you should be resting up.
 
"They can't keep a good man down" thats what an old boxing trainer used to tell me, dnt give up mate, ur an isnpiration to us all.
 
Thanks for the nice words. But i have reached my limit. If i knew that it will be over some day, i would keep on fighting. But theres no perspective at the moment. All life offers for months is pain and sickness. I want my life back!
 
Today i got the confirmation, that i am going to take part as a testperson in a study for a new medicament. Its the second study with this medicament and in the first one, they had really good results with it. So there is some hope, that this nightmare will be over some day.
GOGOGO!
 
You're a tough fucker and do bloody well considering all the shit you have to deal with, I hope this new medication works out for you.
 
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