I lost one of my best friends today

Discussion in 'Mayberry Lounge' started by Te Huna Matata, Jan 15, 2015.

  1. Te Huna Matata Red Belt

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    He didn't die but he's as good as dead to me today. It hurts more than I can imagine.

    We met when we were freshman in college (we'll call him "R"). We had a connection from the get go and became friends very quickly. One of my female friends from high school went to college with us and he and one of her friends started to get close (we'll call her "A"). They wouldn't have even met had it not been for me but I digress. They had an unspoken, flirty relationship that neither acted on from sophomore year until one of them grew stones to act on it our senior year. In the meantime, I met a girl and we started dating junior year. My girl and this girl hit it off immediately and became great friends. After we graduated, we were both couples and did a lot of things together despite the distance after we all moved away.

    In late 2012, my gf's father was diagnosed with AML, an aggressive form of leukemia. They were incredibly close and it was devastating to her. He lasted about 9 months before he succumbed. "A", despite her relationship with my gf, never said a word to her. Not a phone call, text, nothing offering her condolences. This was one of my gf's best friends and she completely turned her back on my gf when her father passed. My gf was very hurt and severed ties with "A". I stayed in touch with "R" but was still hurt by the situation. We were still friends but the relationship changed now that my gf wanted nothing to do with his now fiancee.

    R and A got married in April of 2014. I was a groomsman. My now fiancee did not attend as she was still very upset by what happened and the fact she expressed her displeasure with the situation and A never made the attempt to rectify it. My fiancee would have certainly been a bridesmaid to A and R would have been my best man had this clusterfuck not occured. We were that close. I went to the bachelor party and supplied several cases of top quality beer (beer nerds out there...Lagunitas Sucks, Fat Head's Hop JuJu, Ithica Flower Power, Sixpoint Hi-Res, etc. All cases that are $50+ per and I brought like 5-6 cases). Hotel room in AC, expensive dinners, other party expenses, tux rental, and a fairly generous wedding gift ran me well into the thousands on their wedding. Didn't really care, I make a decent living and I'm financially stable. I never thought twice about it. He's one of my best friends. Right?

    I got engaged and asked him to be in the wedding. He agreed immediately and I hoped this was a step in restoring the relationship. There was an understated tension between us as a result of my fiancee's father passing and the events that transpired. But still, A had never even attempted to speak to my fiancee and apologize. At his bachelor party, he asked me if his soon to be wife would be invited. I told him that my fiancee was very hurt by the situation and it would upset her if A attended. He understood. My fiancee told him he would be invited with her as a polite courtesy but ultimately, it would be better if she'd not attend.

    Today is 1/15/15. My wedding is on 1/24/15...9 days from now. He called me today and basically said that he's been at odds with the idea and that he felt it was time to make a choice. This is a choice I never asked him to make mind you. 9 days before my wedding when things are already bought, paid for, in writing, etc. he tells me he's not coming to my wedding. He went on to say that he understood that this was a decision that there was no coming back from effectively ending our relationship. The hurt I feel right now is terrible. He was like a brother to me...a brother who's wife made some poor choices in life that negatively effected people I love.

    It feels like a good day to get shitfaced and vent. Am I wrong in any way, shape, or form here? What could I have handled differently or was this doomed from the get-go?
     
  2. Nonsense Silver Belt

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    I'm so sorry, TS. Strong friendship can be more significant than family, and it's loss can be as devastating as a death. I've been there.

    Let yourself grieve.
     
  3. BEER Steel Belt Platinum Member

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    Not to talk shit about your future wife, and I certainly understand where she's coming from, but she should have let that shit go.

    Some people just don't know how to react to situations like that. I have a hard time thinking that she would just flat out not give a shit about your girl's dad dying. Some people don't know how to react, so they simply just don't react.

    It sucks that you're losing a friend over something that could have just rolled off the back.
     
  4. Te Huna Matata Red Belt

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    While I agree, at the time, the situation is difficult to handle, my position is that it could have been rectified after the fact. She made 0 attempt to do so. That is what hurt the most.
     
  5. ChoppyChoppyPeePee Steel Belt

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    Your fiance needs to bury the hatchet.
     
  6. Simian Raticus Sicker than your average. Platinum Member

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    Yous both should have told your significant others to sort their shit out and stop being childish.

    In the absence of yous having the fortitude to do so - that's his wife who he has to cohabitate daily, so the choice is obvious for him.
     
  7. HenryFlower (sheesh!)

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    I pretty much echo this. Really unfortunate situation that very likely could have been avoided, or at least rectified, if just one person actually addressed the issue instead of letting it fester with silence and a cold shoulder.
     
  8. HARRISON_3 Gold Belt

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    Bros before hoes?
     
  9. weed ベルセルク

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    I think "A" needs to initiate this shit, not his fiance.


    did A influence your boy's decision?
     
  10. Anung Un Rama Idol of Millions Platinum Member

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    This. Some people just can't deal with death. If they were that close they should have been able to talk about it and squash it, instead of waiting for A to "make it right".

    Then to compound matters by snubbing their wedding and then suggesting he leave his WIFE at home while he was part of your wedding party is over the top drama.

    IMO, this was your fianc
     
  11. HenryFlower (sheesh!)

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  12. Te Huna Matata Red Belt

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    When you are 15, absolutely. At 26/27 like we are now, it's a touch more complicated.

    This is my stance on it. If you do something that you find out severely hurts one of your best friend's feelings to the point that they are willing to sever ties, it is on you to fix it. Doing nothing is as good as saying you are willing to sever ties yourself imo.

    As for part B, I would have to assume so but he never said as much.
     
  13. bad seed Double Yellow Card Double Yellow Card

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    all on your fiancee. If "A" wasnt as supportive as she expected, then accept it and move on. Theres no need to be so bitter about it.

    Teach her that death is common and will only be more frequent as you age. Everyone she knows and loves will one day be dead. Even you.
     
  14. zackryder Long Island Iced Z Platinum Member

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    is there sumthin more to the story between the falling out between ur fiancee and A?

    lemme get this straight. after college, u guys all moved away. ur fiancee's dad passed away during this time and A didnt console ur fiancee. ur fiancee was hurt by this
     
  15. MSK1010 Far too Young and Clever

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    Sounds like two guys forgot the first bro code.

    Bros b4 hoes my friend.
     
  16. HenryFlower (sheesh!)

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    Severing ties over that, instead of addressing it, was petty. That's where the issue starts, honestly.
     
  17. Gorack Purple Belt

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    Did A go to the wake or funeral or any of that? Kind of odd if not unless she was in school during finals or something like that. (A reason several of my closest friends missed my mom's funeral.)

    Either way I think BEER nailed it. Sorry you have to deal with this crap when you're approaching such a monumental occasion. You're friend is looking out for his relationship but it sounds like he and the girls need to sack up and talk it out like adults.

    Good luck and sorry to hear it.
     
  18. Jon Stark King in the North Platinum Member

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    Sometimes it's better to let people go even if it hurts homie!
     
  19. weed ベルセルク

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    I agree man. I know the feel all too well & hope you pull through this swiftly. congrats in advance on getting hitched mang.
     
  20. zackryder Long Island Iced Z Platinum Member

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