I found something better than being religious or atheist

Discussion in 'Mayberry Lounge' started by Fedorgasm, Jan 25, 2020.

  1. Fedorgasm Gold Belt

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    My friends! I've made a startling discovery!

    Many people wrestle with the idea of a god or religion in general.

    I think I've found the perfect solution. Don't be religious. Don't be an atheist. Don't even be agnostic.

    The correct answer is to PRETEND to be religious. That way you get the best of both worlds!

    Think about it:

    1. Go to church occasionally. Not even every week, but just once in a while so people think you're a member. The people at church are generally nice and it's always good to have nice friends.

    2. Now you can join that Christian basketball league, or motorcycle club, or whatever group interests you. Ever try to join a non-religious basketball league? They're full of assholes.

    3. NEVER struggle trying to find the right words for a tough situation. I mean, how many times have you gone to sign a sympathy card and everyone else has written "My thoughts and prayers are with you." And then as an atheist you have to write something stupid like "Welp, that sucks. Good luck, I guess." Telling someone you're praying for them is AWESOME because you get credit for doing something nice when you're actually not doing shit!

    4. When the tithe bin comes around just drop in an envelope with a dollar in it. That way everybody thinks you're tithing. And even the church treasurer won't raise an eyebrow when she opens the envelope, she'll just assume a little kid did that.

    5. Date hot christian chicks. They're not going to cheat on you because they're good girls. And if you want to bang them before marriage then simply don't choose a very strict church, and then you can always repent to her and say how ashamed you are that you pressured her to sin, and that you have asked god forgiveness.

    6. Have more credibility/comraderie with people. Others will be more likely to believe your filthy lies if they think you're a christian. Or help you out when you have money problems.

    That's right bros. The sweetest path through life is to pretend to be something you're not.

    And if you're wrong? then I guess you go to hell.
     
  2. weed ベルセルク

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    so basically do what I've always been doing.
     
  3. Fedorgasm Gold Belt

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    Well you could've shared the secret to life with your sherbros.
     
  4. JAEGERX Gold Belt

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    thats fine, but if you really think a christian chick is not gonna cheat on you, you have no idea how christian chicks are, hell i went to catholic school and these chicks party hard they put out man, like crazy, and its not like the dudes are not man whores, get real bro

    i think you wanna pretend to be jew, i think jewish chicks are more like the thing you want
     
  5. elreece Brown Belt

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    Nah dont like being fake
     
  6. weed ベルセルク

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    you've never lied to get out of an annoying ass situation?
     
  7. Fedorgasm Gold Belt

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    oooh great tip! Thanks!

    Although Jews are pretty smart. They might figure me out when I can't recite anything from the Torah. And I'm certainly not reading that shit.

    Christians.... I feel like I know enough about the bible that I can fool most of them. I can recite John 3:16 and Austin 3:16 so I'm golden!
     
  8. all caps Gold Belt

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    Your rulers all worship God though. Dont forget that.
     
  9. koolinkunming Gold Belt

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    Problem is you’d still have to listen to religious people talk about religion.
     
  10. JOE QUEEF Red Belt Platinum Member

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  11. Fedorgasm Gold Belt

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    Good point. Forget everthing I wrote in the OP. This strategy is totally not worth it.
     
  12. superpunch Gold Belt

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    Good strategy, that'll definitely get you into heaven. <Lmaoo>
     
  13. Osculater Red Belt

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    How will this work with different type of religious groups say Islam and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
     
  14. Osculater Red Belt

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    Airpods
     
  15. koolinkunming Gold Belt

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    They catch on eventually
     
  16. elreece Brown Belt

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    Not for an extended period of time like joining a christian sports team or going to church to pretend you believe in god.

    Nope no way.
     
  17. RetiredSlave Red Belt

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    God was great until he learned his fate. Actually divinity is good but religion sucks, thats basically my religion.
     
  18. all caps Gold Belt

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    Religion was designed to lead you away from God, IMO.
     
  19. TSO Pink Belt

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    To save my marriage I had to "find God". Somehow I'm now held with a level of respect I've never seen before...

    All because I'm lying
     
  20. Zer Steel Belt

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    I have my pin number tattooed on my arm and people keep thinking I'm a holocaust survivor. Obviously I don't want people to know it's my pin or think that it's disrespectful anti-semitism or anything, so it's been easier to just pretend to be Jewish. I still gotta read the bible and shit, these Wheel of Time books are taking forever, but circumcision gags kill any religious conversations. They love that shit. They want me go onto ancestry.com because I've been calling myself Ari Spielberg but I've got distant relatives who were in the Luftwaffe and shit. No way am I searching for 'how to get Jew blood' on google
     

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