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by Mayhem Miller
http://myspace.com/mayhemmiller
A lot of people ask me, "Hey Mayhem, why you so funny lookin?" to which I reply, "It's okay, 'cuz I get things cookin." But a few other people ask me "How do I get great cardio?" If I don't feel like putting any effort into my answer I say "Go run, lunchbox." Usually they come back and say, "I just ran 10 miles!" "Fantastic, run another 15 and you have a marathon."What people don't understand is that fighting isn't a marathon, its a sprint. Actually, its a fifteen minute series of sprints, and to get ready for that, what do you do? How about a fifteen minute series of sprints? Now you're learning, spanky.
As a cerified techno geek, I have a crack team of cardio trainers that hook me to machines and have me sprint on trampolines, and speak with fake russian accents, but it has occurred to me that not everyone has these special and unique opportunities, so what follows is the "I live in my van down by the river" cardio routine. Walk outside of your trailer and look around. Is there a patch of gravel that is flat enough to run on without losing your rubber slippers? Cool, this is where you are going to run, but first gotta warm up- don't wanna pull a hamby!
First, make like your sister and bend over. Seriously, bend over and touch your toes, just make sure your Uncle Richard isn't in town this week. Also, find a sturdy side of your single wide and push against it, with your lower legs at an angle stretching your calves. Next up, using the vinyl siding for support, grab your toes and pull your heel close to your butt- but not that damn close! Shake your legs out, and start a nice smooth jog, being sure to pick up the pace after about a half a mile (use your ford festiva's odometer). Run about a mile then take a breather, but don't go inside and start drinking kool-aid just yet, the real work hasn't begun yet.
Steal you cousins casio g-shock watch and go to that patch of gravel we talked about earlier. It should be about a hundred yards long, and doesn't have to be gravel, as long as you can sprint on it. Get psyched up, push the button on the side of the watch (the one that starts it, not the one that makes it talk), and sprint the 100 yards as fast as you can. When you get to the end, turn around, wait for the watch to hit 30 seconds then sprint again. When you start to get the hang of this, try sprinting up a hill then walking back down. This will get you into what we in the biz call "savage shape" hopefully enabling you to tear the head off of you opponents for at least 15 minutes.
The reason this works so well, is people mistake continuous, monotonous running for getting in shape. If you are running half speed for an hour you aren't blasting your heart rate, and that is a very squirrel neck method of training. Get crunk and do it high intensity style. Good luck and it doesn't count if you just read this over and over then download porn continously. That doesn't get your heart rate up for long enough. GOOD LUCK!
--Jason Mayhem Miller
http://myspace.com/mayhemmiller
A lot of people ask me, "Hey Mayhem, why you so funny lookin?" to which I reply, "It's okay, 'cuz I get things cookin." But a few other people ask me "How do I get great cardio?" If I don't feel like putting any effort into my answer I say "Go run, lunchbox." Usually they come back and say, "I just ran 10 miles!" "Fantastic, run another 15 and you have a marathon."What people don't understand is that fighting isn't a marathon, its a sprint. Actually, its a fifteen minute series of sprints, and to get ready for that, what do you do? How about a fifteen minute series of sprints? Now you're learning, spanky.
As a cerified techno geek, I have a crack team of cardio trainers that hook me to machines and have me sprint on trampolines, and speak with fake russian accents, but it has occurred to me that not everyone has these special and unique opportunities, so what follows is the "I live in my van down by the river" cardio routine. Walk outside of your trailer and look around. Is there a patch of gravel that is flat enough to run on without losing your rubber slippers? Cool, this is where you are going to run, but first gotta warm up- don't wanna pull a hamby!
First, make like your sister and bend over. Seriously, bend over and touch your toes, just make sure your Uncle Richard isn't in town this week. Also, find a sturdy side of your single wide and push against it, with your lower legs at an angle stretching your calves. Next up, using the vinyl siding for support, grab your toes and pull your heel close to your butt- but not that damn close! Shake your legs out, and start a nice smooth jog, being sure to pick up the pace after about a half a mile (use your ford festiva's odometer). Run about a mile then take a breather, but don't go inside and start drinking kool-aid just yet, the real work hasn't begun yet.
Steal you cousins casio g-shock watch and go to that patch of gravel we talked about earlier. It should be about a hundred yards long, and doesn't have to be gravel, as long as you can sprint on it. Get psyched up, push the button on the side of the watch (the one that starts it, not the one that makes it talk), and sprint the 100 yards as fast as you can. When you get to the end, turn around, wait for the watch to hit 30 seconds then sprint again. When you start to get the hang of this, try sprinting up a hill then walking back down. This will get you into what we in the biz call "savage shape" hopefully enabling you to tear the head off of you opponents for at least 15 minutes.
The reason this works so well, is people mistake continuous, monotonous running for getting in shape. If you are running half speed for an hour you aren't blasting your heart rate, and that is a very squirrel neck method of training. Get crunk and do it high intensity style. Good luck and it doesn't count if you just read this over and over then download porn continously. That doesn't get your heart rate up for long enough. GOOD LUCK!
--Jason Mayhem Miller
