Relationship How attracted should be to person you marry?

[method115]

She was hot enough for me to see her in the office and say I really want to hit that.

one time my neighbor was leaving and said hello to my wife and started backing out of his drive way. She was mowing the lawn in some tiny ass booty shorts. I had come out at the same time and was trying to wave to him but he’s just staring at my wife’s ass as he backs out. The fucking idiot backs up into a car that was parked on the other side of the street across from his driveway. I saw the whole thing go down and I couldn’t believe it. I told my wife what happened but she didn’t believe me.

 

[ReligiousDiscipline]

In my opinion love is a practice more than a feeling, so if you see a person and think woah need to marry her, you're doing it wrong.
The only things to lead to marriage are:
- long relationship already
- have projects together than involve the other
- have the same opinion on the relationship, kids, household etc.

I'd never date someone I'm not attracted to but it's not the main thing, more like a threshold.
It's not like I'm really attractive myself so it's not like I can date VS models or some shit. I'm a huge nerd so we'd just bore each other to shit to be honest.

I decided to marry seeing how easy and effortless was to live with each other for like a year or so. If after staying cheek to cheek with someone for long you just love them more it's a great sign.

It seems like in a lot of cases, that is exactly what happens. It is rather common to hear: "I have never felt like this about someone before. I think he or she is the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with." The problem with getting caught up in such strong feelings is that your judgement gets clouded and you end up making stupid decisions like getting married to someone you shouldn't have.

I have read that it is a good idea to wait at least two years until even thinking about marriage because the infatuation stage can last as long as two years and after that time you start seeing things more clearly. My biggest concern isn't necessarily people being in bad relationships, but the children who are born and harmed because of those relationships.

 

[fingercuffs]

You don't agree that most people get married because they have a strong infatuation for each other? It is also referred to as a honeymoon stage.

Pull me up a survey or something.

 

[ReligiousDiscipline]

Well a successful marriage is where you have two people each putting their partners needs ahead of their own. That way you're not making life miserable for them. Not one person always winning. It has to be equitable.

In addition to what you are saying, it is important for an individual to become more familiar with who he or she is before committing to marriage. If you don't learn about yourself you will never know what you are able to bring to a marriage and what your limitations are. You also have to learn to love yourself before you can truly love others.

 

[Cpt Migraine]

I'd say 7/10 prime.. considering father time i'd say 8/10.. to explain that i'm turning 35 and she's 34 and we met 10 years ago.. she's 4lbs lighter than she was when we met, nothing is sagging etc..

Sure you'll run into some 19yo girl with all her hormones screaming for impregnation by the strongest male around but usually that doesn't last.. it's a very limited window..

While attraction is important that's not at all the reason we're still at it.. i'd push her around in a wheelchair and change her diapers if i had to..

she's loyal, fun, caring, wise, low maintainence, a fucking gangster and can entertain herself.. basically she'd help me bury a body and gives me complete freedom.. how can you not honor that..


That said i think you owe it to your partner to stay attractive.. attraction is not free..

 

[EndlessCritic]

Thread title misses the whole point.

Attraction is what starts the courting process. But the decision to get married should be based entirely on other factors.

 

[Kryptt]

If u have ta ask that question - move along to the next one.

 

[gluehuffer1776]

you need to be attracted to your mate since you will be having sex with that person for the rest of your life

 

[TheWobbler]

Well if you're with someone then obviously you found them attractive to go date but as time goes on there needs to be more than just attraction.

 

[ReligiousDiscipline]

Pull me up a survey or something.

Forget the infatuation idea. My bigger point is that most people (not everyone) get married for every reason except true love. They get married because of things like infatuation, romance, looks, sex, money, status, property, family pressure, social pressure, religious ideals, desperation, convenience, jealousy, possession, codependency, attachment, fear and so on. None of those things are love. They are very unhealthy things to bring into any relationship and issues that should be dealt with before committing to a serious relationship and should be dealt with even more so before having children.

 

[terrapin]

A discussion like this also needs to take into account the things that desensitize our attraction especially pornography and the unrealistic expectations that many men pull from watching 10's take penises all day long. lusting over women that are out of your league (and just women in general), longing for them, and feeding that desire with sexual fantasy are all choices that can damage and lessen desire for what you have or what you can actually get.

these are personal choices that are made and invested in and some personal accountability on this level would go a long way towards desensitizing a person and increasing their ability to be attracted to a person who is realistically in their league.

it would also be very helpful for many of these men to unplug from internet culture and social media (which is a toxic wasteland of the shallow and meaningless) and get deeply involved in a life of meaning and purpose. along the way to that they very likely could/would meet a person with similar values and shared interests and enter into a happy sexually fulfilling relationship.

So many men are unable to be attracted to a normal woman now because they have poisoned their minds with pornography social media and shallow popular culture. its very sad to see.

 

[GordoBarraBJJ]

Jesus, did Tito Ortiz write the thread title?

 

[A.S. Deep]

Jesus, did Tito Ortiz write the thread title?

TS has a cracked skull, so it's understandable

 

[TSO]

A discussion like this also needs to take into account the things that desensitize our attraction especially pornography and the unrealistic expectations that many men pull from watching 10's take penises all day long. lusting over women that are out of your league (and just women in general), longing for them, and feeding that desire with sexual fantasy are all choices that can damage and lessen desire for what you have or what you can actually get.

these are personal choices that are made and invested in and some personal accountability on this level would go a long way towards desensitizing a person and increasing their ability to be attracted to a person who is realistically in their league.

it would also be very helpful for many of these men to unplug from internet culture and social media (which is a toxic wasteland of the shallow and meaningless) and get deeply involved in a life of meaning and purpose. along the way to that they very likely could/would meet a person with similar values and shared interests and enter into a happy sexually fulfilling relationship.

So many men are unable to be attracted to a normal woman now because they have poisoned their minds with pornography social media and shallow popular culture. its very sad to see.

There's no such thing as being out of someones league. If you have standards, there's at least one person out there that meets them and would want you, you just have to grab their attention.

 

[terrapin]

There's no such thing as being out of someones league. If you have standards, there's at least one person out there that meets them and would want you, you just have to grab their attention.

im not sure how to relate this post to what i said friend.

 

[ReligiousDiscipline]

A discussion like this also needs to take into account the things that desensitize our attraction especially pornography and the unrealistic expectations that many men pull from watching 10's take penises all day long. lusting over women that are out of your league (and just women in general), longing for them, and feeding that desire with sexual fantasy are all choices that can damage and lessen desire for what you have or what you can actually get.

these are personal choices that are made and invested in and some personal accountability on this level would go a long way towards desensitizing a person and increasing their ability to be attracted to a person who is realistically in their league.

it would also be very helpful for many of these men to unplug from internet culture and social media (which is a toxic wasteland of the shallow and meaningless) and get deeply involved in a life of meaning and purpose. along the way to that they very likely could/would meet a person with similar values and shared interests and enter into a happy sexually fulfilling relationship.

So many men are unable to be attracted to a normal woman now because they have poisoned their minds with pornography social media and shallow popular culture. its very sad to see.

That is a very good point. A lot of relationships are based on creating images of others rather than seeing the actual person. For example, a person will watch a movie, fall in love with a scripted character and then look for a person who they believe is similar to the character in the movie. We don't even have to go that far. A lot of us even create an image of someone we are close to. I would go so far as saying most people's relationships are built around images they have created of each other in their mind. This has been more recently reinforced through constant exposure to social media and entertainment where everything is about image. We aren't focused enough to really get to know someone because that would take a lot of awareness on our part. Awareness of what is going on in our own minds and awareness of who the other person actually is.

 

[terrapin]

That is a very good point. A lot of relationships are based on creating images of others rather than seeing the actual person. For example, a person will watch a movie, fall in love with a scripted character and then look for a person who they believe is similar to the character in the movie. We don't even have to go that far. A lot of us even create an image of someone we are close to. I would go so far as saying most people's relationships are built around images they have created of each in their mind. This has been more recently reinforced through constant exposure to social media and entertainment where everything is about image. We aren't focused enough to really get to know someone because that would take a lot of awareness on our part. Awareness of what is going on in our own minds and awareness of who the other person actually is.

thats right friend. reducing a person to their image is terribly reductionist and that is made worse by that image being a thumbnail of the person on an internet screen.

i was thinking of a french woman i dated and lived with for about a year. she was the leaste physically attractive person i have dated BUT her personality combined with a certain something that i am tempted to call witchcraft made her the most sexually desirable person i have every been with in my life.

our chemistry and what happened between us was phenomenal on the sexual level (but ultimately lacking in depth for the long haul) but she is not someone i would have chosen had i been going mostly on looks or body either frankly.

we are multidimensional beings and if we are blind to or ignoring many of those dimension we miss so much when assessing a person.

 

[ReligiousDiscipline]

thats right friend. reducing a person to their image is terribly reductionist and that is made worse by that image being a thumbnail of the person on an internet screen.

i was thinking of a french woman i dated and lived with for about a year. she was the leaste physically attractive person i have dated BUT her personality combined with a certain something that i am tempted to call witchcraft made her the most sexually desirable person i have every been with in my life.

our chemistry and what happened between us was phenomenal on the sexual level (but ultimately lacking in depth for the long haul) but she is not someone i would have chosen had i been going mostly on looks or body either frankly.

we are multidimensional beings and if we are blind to or ignoring many of those dimension we miss so much when assessing a person.

I was listening to a Buddhist Monk, Ajahn Amaro, talk about relationships and the title of his talk was "Don't Create Me." He talked about all of the ways we reduce the people around us to the subjective experiences, creations, images, ideals, fantasies, inventions, expectations, judgements and limits of our own minds. It is hard for us to truly connect with another person because our minds are too caught up with creating who we think and feel a person is and should be. His conclusion was that we cannot truly love someone if our perception of who they are is distorted by our minds.

 

[terrapin]

I was listening to a Buddhist Monk, Ajahn Amaro, talk about relationships and the title of his talk was "Don't Create Me." He talked about all of the ways we reduce the people around us to the subjective experiences, creations, images, ideals, fantasies, inventions, expectations, judgement and limits of our own minds. It is hard for us to truly connect with another person because our minds are too caught up with creating who we think and feel the person is. His conclusion was that we cannot truly love someone if our perception of who they are is distorted by our minds.

that is a very powerful teaching man. and it really puts social media and porn and all of that stuff into a context.....

 

[ReligiousDiscipline]

that is a very powerful teaching man. and it really puts social media and porn and all of that stuff into a context.....

Yes! Social media and porn creates more images and distortions for us to work on overcoming. As you already said, porn creates an image of how a woman should be sexually and some men absorb that image into their minds and then view the women around them in the context of women in porn. In other-words, they expect the women they meet to behave like pornstars and all kinds of problems arise when a woman doesn't match the pornified image he has created of her in his mind.