Got the "lets be friends" talk (pretty long)

[Goonerview]

Ok so if you're one of those keeping up with my life with these girls as this is about my fourth thread about different situations, you know the deal, I've been talking to/seeing a few different girls with the end goal of sticking with one. Anyways, I seemingly picked one out, she seemed really into me, I got her number, she texted me often, asked me a bunch of questions, I asked her out, we went out and had a good time, found out we have a lot in common and I was really digging her, she held my hand, got a kiss goodnight, we hit it off, or so it seemed. She texted me right after the date reaffirming she had a good time and said she really likes me...etc.

We went out on the 1st of August, things seemed to be going well the next few days, I saw her at her work sometimes (where we met) because I tend to go there often to buy shit, but I didn't want to distract her and get her into trouble so I left after talking with her for about 30 mins, she always told me she wanted me to stick around more. Things seem to be going great right? Seems this might just be going somewhere! Except, all of a sudden she seems a bit more distant, doesn't text me as much, I would text her sometimes, but she would stop texting or give me shorter answers whereas before she was very open and you could tell wanted to actually talk.

Now I have known for awhile, even before she had become distant that she was worried about starting college soon, she majoring and minoring in 2 things (I forget) that she said she needed to Ace all her pre-qualification classes or at the very least get As and Bs in order to actually get accepted into the programs she wanted. She also is gonna be leaving the state for a week to go to some family event, so after we went out, I did try and go out with her again, but she told me she doesn't know when because she's gonna be really busy with her leaving and with school prep and school starting soon. OK so with that context, here's where it goes wrong.

I hadn't texted her for like 3 days because I wanted to give her space since I know she was busy and shit getting ready for her trip this upcoming week. Anyways, today I texted her and asked where she's been, just reaching out cuz I hadn't seen her in awhile. She one word replies and just says "everywhere", so I jokingly say "everywhere except with me huh?", she tells me to chill, I make a joke about it being too hot, she laughs, anyways, the convo continues, I seem to have gotten her attention and have her laughing as we text awhile. I tell her I want to go out again, she tells me she doesn't know when, anyways we end up concluding that after she comes back from her trip, before she starts school she'll make time for us to go out. Ok, that seemed to go ok, but pretty iffy.

She texts me about 3 hours later about how she doesn't want to be involved in anything right now (a relationship) and just wants to have friends (implying she doesn't want a bf at all right now, not just me). That she has a lot on her plate working full time and when she goes to school full time (later this month) she is not gonna have any time for anything and she just wants to be friends essentially. (I wasn't surprised by this revelation tbh), I tell her I'm not surprised and have felt her grow distant the past few days, but told her to tell me straight up what changed her mind, outside influence, another guy or just something she didn't like about me. She tells me its none of those things and she just rushed into things without thinking and she doesn't want to be with me if she's not gonna be giving it 100% due to school and work and she doesn't want to lead me on. She then goes on to say "please don't stop talking to me". I still don't believe that its school and work the reason she basically friendzoned me after we were seemingly getting along great.

Thoughts on this? Could her school and work thing be a valid excuse, as yes it can be overwhelming to be doing both at the same time and not having time for a relationship, especially if its as hectic as she says its gonna be. Or is that just wishful thinking on my part? I find it hard to believe because I think if you want to be with someone, you will find the time, even if its just for a short amount of time each week or something.

Also, should I talk to her at all or just cut ties? Though cutting ties completely is gonna be kinda hard since I frequent her work quite often. Seems its probably best to not be friends after something like this.

Cliffs for the lazy:

-Met a girl
- seemed really into me, so I asked for her #, got it, she texted me a lot and often
- she tells me about going to college full time and its gonna consume most her time as well as working full time
- went out, seemed to hit it off, held hands, got a kiss, texted me after telling me she really likes me
- She's going to a big family event for a week so she's using the days to prepare
- she grows distant, not texting much or just replying vaguely
- I give her space to deal with her stuff
- text her today asking where she's been, make her laugh a bit, tell her I want to go out again, she says she'll make time after she gets back from her family thing
- texts me later that day telling me she wants to just have friends right now because she doesn't want to half ass a relationship because she cant give me her full attention due to working full time and school full time

Thoughts on the validity of her excuse? Legit or something she didn't like about me after all?

You probably came across as "too clingy", she texted you saying she is "not looking for a relationship". This tells me that maybe you were pushing the "relationship vibe" too much and not wanting to have fun and have sex.

Bascially, when she kissed you at the end of the date (BTW, it should be you going for the kiss, you are the man, right??), you should have made out with her PROPERLY and should have went as far as you could have gone (I don't know where she was kissing you).

You blowing up her phone afterwards confirmed in her mind that you are chasing the "relationship" and she's not feeling it. Women follow their feelings 99% of the time.

Do not chase her for "reasons" why she doesn't want to be with you. That's really weak ... would James Bond do that?? No way. Move on, bro.

 

[Goonerview]

Also possible X factor: I took out one of my female friends for lunch on sunday as a belated bday thing, she found out, but she knows about my female friend and I told her that I owed her lunch for her bday, also my friend has a bf already and a kid and she (girl from the story) knows this already. Could this have fucked up her perception? Like she thinks I'm playing with her or something?

Your female friend for lunch? You owed her lunch for her birthday? ......Then you are qualifying and making excuses to the girl you want for why you took this friend out for lunch? ... This female friend has a BF and a kid ....

You are acting more like a gay male-girlfriend and not like a MAN. Don't mean to be harsh, but from the woman's perspective, this is what she is probably thinking.

I don't think this f**ked up her perspective, but it probably turned her off, for sure. She probably wanted to just have fun and have sex.

 

[Kardashians]

@Kardashians for some reason thinks he's a ditzy blonde chick and probably wears a blonde wig when posting here. Not a woman but less of a man so maybe 99.9%? lol

hehe u so silly hun

 

[FightsFTW]

Yeah, back off a bit and let her do her thing, don't act clingy, but don't lose contact or put her off either. And if you plan on moving on and playing the field don't expect your feelings to be the same again, or hers either.

Yeah I plan on moving on, we'll see what happens.

You probably came across as "too clingy", she texted you saying she is "not looking for a relationship". This tells me that maybe you were pushing the "relationship vibe" too much and not wanting to have fun and have sex.

Bascially, when she kissed you at the end of the date (BTW, it should be you going for the kiss, you are the man, right??), you should have made out with her PROPERLY and should have went as far as you could have gone (I don't know where she was kissing you).

You blowing up her phone afterwards confirmed in her mind that you are chasing the "relationship" and she's not feeling it. Women follow their feelings 99% of the time.

Do not chase her for "reasons" why she doesn't want to be with you. That's really weak ... would James Bond do that?? No way. Move on, bro.

Well I kissed her first, briefly, we stopped and she returned it. Also she texted me right after, I didn't text her, she messaged me literally like 10 mins after once again telling me she had a really good time, but yes I do plan on moving on. Live and learn, like I've said before on here, I'm still fairly new to this and each time is a learning experience for me.

 

[MUSTKILL]

Honestly, why do you care? She's not interested, so move on. You will never get 100% truth from her and none of us can tell you what she's thinking.

Maybe she met another guy. Maybe she realized she wasn't that into you. Maybe you creeped her out. Who cares? This one isn't salvageable, so move onto the next one.

This all day.

There's plenty of fish (pof.com) in the sea.

 

[FightsFTW]

Edit

 

[Goonerview]

Yeah I plan on moving on, we'll see what happens.



Well I kissed her first, briefly, we stopped and she returned it. Also she texted me right after, literally like 10 mins after once again telling me she had a really good time, but yes I do plan on moving on. Live and learn, like I've said before on here, I'm still fairly new to this and each time is a learning experience for me.

That's the best attitude to have going forward. Trial and error, live and learn.

 

[TheRuthlessOne]

You probably came across as "too clingy", she texted you saying she is "not looking for a relationship". This tells me that maybe you were pushing the "relationship vibe" too much and not wanting to have fun and have sex.

This is exactly what I thought

She said she was going to college so obviously she doesn't have time for a boyfriend. Maybe she still wants to fuck tho.

 

[Goonerview]

Yeah, I don't buy my friends presents or someshit, I usually just take em out to eat, lunch or dinner depending on their schedule. It was a bit late as her bday was like 2 weeks ago, but she asked me where her lunch was and we went.

I edited the post. Please read, but note, this is constructive criticism of your game.

You may feel disappointment and maybe even anger (we've all been there), but live, learn and move on my brother.

If I were you, I would try to hang out with my man friends more often, leave the lunch dates with "female friends" for other women to do. You don't want to be the man in this picture:

 

[MUSTKILL]

I said it jokingly, but yes I do suspect that could be a reason why, the problem with text is that people interpret it completely differently than you mean it a lot of times. I'm not saying I didn't make mistakes, of course I could have said or done shit differently.

One thing I have noticed is that when I talk to girls in person I usually have them at attention, smiling and laughing, her for example I had her laughing and blushing a lot, because they can see when I'm joking or serious, in a text people interpret shit the way they want. Which is why in these threads a lot of stuff gets misinterpreted as well. I come off one way, when in reality that's not how I meant it.

As for the work thing, that's not really the case since she's usually super busy at work, she usually just talked to me as she was doing stuff.

Ha! The text game is real my brotha. If you don't get that shit on point, you're gonna wrek yourself before you even get the chance to do it in person.
I got plenty of examples of how to deal with the passive aggressive texting game. It's more technical than you'd imagine.
Unfortunately, you made the mistake of being too clingy.
It's the fastest way to get yourself disqualified for that ass. If you want to recover, play cool and move on to other prospects like she didn't mean shit.
Real talk.

 

[FadeLess]

Threads like this remind me why im not made for serious relationships!
TS , you need to start valuing yourselfe, be assertive , you cant just go out of your way to please anyone.
One shouldnt generalize , and one has to know how to balance the recipe , but girls generaly like a guy that in a way seems unattainable ... so dont be a d!ck but also dont be a petboy.
If i were you , i would continue to talk with her , yet i would remain distant while within reach, but focusing more on my personal goals and other interests.
Good luck

 

[Goonerview]

This is exactly what I thought

She said she was going to college so obviously she doesn't have time for a boyfriend. Maybe she still wants to fuck tho.

It's a missed opportunity for the TS, but we've all been there. I've been there sooooo many times, lol

 

[FightsFTW]

Your female friend for lunch? You owed her lunch for her birthday? ......Then you are qualifying and making excuses to the girl you want for why you took this friend out for lunch? ... This female friend has a BF and a kid ....

You are acting more like a gay male-girlfriend and not like a MAN. Don't mean to be harsh, but from the woman's perspective, this is what she is probably thinking.

I don't think this f**ked up her perspective, but it probably turned her off, for sure. She probably wanted to just have fun and have sex.

Replying to the edit.

I take all my friends out to lunch or dinner instead of buying them presents or something, she asked me where it was so I took her.

What's funny is she was actually giving out the relationship vibe first, I just obliged and went with it cuz I liked her. Before we even went out, hell when I barely got her number, she told me that a guy from work invited her to go bowling with a group of friends and they all went, the guy was trying to be slick and put the moves on her but she rejected him and said it wasn't like that. I would have never found out, but why did she feel the need to tell me? Most likely because she didn't want to ruin the potential with me if I did find out imo.

Hell, she held my hand and interlocked her fingers into mine on our date, she was talking about how when she has kids this and that, she was telling me how I need to be a gentleman and walk on the side closest to the street among some other shit, doesn't seem like casual fun and sex vibes to me.

 

[FightsFTW]

I edited the post. Please read, but note, this is constructive criticism of your game.

You may feel disappointment and maybe even anger (we've all been there), but live, learn and move on my brother.

If I were you, I would try to hang out with my man friends more often, leave the lunch dates with "female friends" for other women to do. You don't want to be the man in this picture:

Yeah that ain't me, lol. I don't hang out with my female friends like that, its either in groups with guys and girls or on special occasions like the bday thing which was 2 weeks late and I only did it because she asked. 99% of the time I hang out with friends its with my boys.

Also worth noting that I would smash said friend if given the chance.

 

[MUSTKILL]

Replying to the edit.

I take all my friends out to lunch or dinner instead of buying them presents or something, she asked me where it was so I took her.

What's funny is she was actually giving out the relationship vibe first, I just obliged and went with it cuz I liked her. Before we even went out, hell when I barely got her number, she told me that a guy from work invited her to go bowling with a group of friends and they all went, the guy was trying to be slick and put the moves on her but she rejected him and said it wasn't like that. I would have never found out, but why did she feel the need to tell me? Most likely because she didn't want to ruin the potential with me if I did find out imo.

Hell, she held my hand and interlocked her fingers into mine on our date, she was talking about how when she has kids this and that, she was telling me how I need to be a gentleman and walk on the side closest to the street among some other shit, doesn't seem like casual fun and sex vibes to me.

Based on what you're describing to me, she probably just recently got out of a relationship. Once you started to advanced into a relationship, it probably triggered something from a previous relationship to get her to push away. Either that or she met Tyron that night. Dick too bomb.

 

[Goonerview]

Replying to the edit.

I take all my friends out to lunch or dinner instead of buying them presents or something, she asked me where it was so I took her.

What's funny is she was actually giving out the relationship vibe first, I just obliged and went with it cuz I liked her. Before we even went out, hell when I barely got her number, she told me that a guy from work invited her to go bowling with a group of friends and they all went, the guy was trying to be slick and put the moves on her but she rejected him and said it wasn't like that. I would have never found out, but why did she feel the need to tell me? Most likely because she didn't want to ruin the potential with me if I did find out imo.

Hell, she held my hand and interlocked her fingers into mine on our date, she was talking about how when she has kids this and that, she was telling me how I need to be a gentleman and walk on the side closest to the street among some other shit, doesn't seem like casual fun and sex vibes to me.

Holding hands isn't neccessarily relationship vibe, it's more of a lover vibe IMO ... talking about exclusivity after you have boned, booking a holiday together, talking about you to their parents ... is more relationship vibe.

 

[FightsFTW]

Based on what you're describing to me, she probably just recently got out of a relationship. Once you started to advanced into a relationship, it probably triggered something from a previous relationship to get her to push away. Either that or she met Tyron that night. Dick too bomb.

Now that you mention it, I do think I heard something about her breaking up with some dude earlier this year iirc, somewhere around february. It's possible, but meh its whatever at this point.

 

[Goonerview]

Yeah that ain't me, lol. I don't hang out with my female friends like that, its either in groups with guys and girls or on special occasions like the bday thing which was 2 weeks late and I only did it because she asked. 99% of the time I hang out with friends its with my boys.

Also worth noting that I would smash said friend if given the chance.

You would smash said friend? ... Even though, she has a kid and a BF ... dude, you need to get your priorities straight ... and meet more single, hot women. There are plenty out there. No need to get yourself blue-balled over women you can't be with.

 

[FightsFTW]

Holding hands isn't neccessarily relationship vibe, it's more of a lover vibe IMO ... talking about exclusivity after you have boned, booking a holiday together, talking about you to their parents ... is more relationship vibe.

None of the other ones, but I will say she did talk about me to her parents, her mom works in the same place and approached me to say hi and said "oh you're the guy who took out my daughter?". She did admit to leading me on when she told me she wanted to be friends, so there's that. No use pondering it too much now though.

 

[FightsFTW]

You would smash said friend? ... Even though, she has a kid and a BF ... dude, you need to get your priorities straight ... and meet more single, hot women. There are plenty out there. No need to get yourself blue-balled over women you can't be with.

Lol, I said I would smash, not saying I'm trying to smash, lets be real most single men would have sex with their hot friends if given the chance.