Getting closer to your parents

Forgiveness is freedom. Holding onto that resentment and anger is so taxing, it takes A LOT of energy that you don't even realize you're wasting.
 
Forgiveness is freedom. Holding onto that resentment and anger is so taxing, it takes A LOT of energy that you don't even realize you're wasting.
Thats the shit that causes cancer
 
Guys, if it's any consoltation, I had damn near perfect parents, and I still royally fucked my life up.

My folks have been married for 45 years, and I've never seen them in a serious argument. Mostly my mom nagging my dad about irrelevant bullshit.

Amazing to say, but I almost feel like a freak amongst my peers growing up because I heard how some parents were divorced, abused their kids, were alcoholics, were unemployed and couldn't provide for them... the list goes on.

Yet, I had a shitload of problems with learning disabilities when I was little, social problems with other students at school, anger and depression, and escaped my problems through videogames. I played a shitload of them and missed out on alot.

But... all my problems as a kid or as an adult, I could never put on my folks. Not one. I had my complaints, but I was between a troubled kid or a good kid on a constant basis, but my folks were never the problem, I was.

Realising this helped me gain the independent mindset I needed to get over shit from the past, to get over my anger and self-hatred for past mistakes.

I'm not posting this to brag about having great parents. It was about self-reflection that if I fail in this life, it's 0% on them, 100% on me, and I'd be dishonoring them and all they did for me growing up.
 
TS first of all, congratulations for dealing with your anger, understanding that your parents are just flawed people like you and I and everybody else and not responding anger with more anger which can only lead to things getting worse

As far as your question, you ask if its ok to keep a distant relationship with your parents or if you should try to get closer.... well the answer only depends on YOU. You are very right, you should not only do it because society tells you to do it, thats not reason enough, you should do it because you FEEL deep inside that you want to do it.

You say that you dont want a closer relationship because you feel it is better for everybody and you feel more at peace with it, but I ask you then... why did you take the time to write that long post then? is it because you are seeking validation from a a bunch of unknowns on sherdog? It seems to me that just by the act of writing that post on sherdog it shows that you are not completely comfortable with your take on the relationship, it tells me that you have doubts and you want to hear others so you can explore those doubts within yourself.

The more that you "resist" something in the universe, the more than you will attract it, this universe doesnt work in negatives, we attract and match same vibrational frequencies and by the mere fact that you always have "that relationship" in your mind you are matching that vibrational frequency and you are attracting it, thats why you think about it all the time and thats why you wrote this post.

It is possible to peacefully let go of a relationship (with a parent, a brother a son or a friend) but by the human family bonds that we have created in this reality its very hard to do so, and just by reading your post I dont feel you are "letting go" of it, you are RESISTING it, and you wont be able to live peacefully like that.

You dont have to force yourself, you dont have to be uncomfortable but I think it would be emotionally healthy for you to try to get even closer to your parents, understand them better and just see and realize that we are simply all flawed, there is really no right or wrong, good or bad, we are just different and ultimately part of the same source. Good luck my friend!
 
You say that you dont want a closer relationship because you feel it is better for everybody and you feel more at peace with it, but I ask you then... why did you take the time to write that long post then? is it because you are seeking validation from a a bunch of unknowns on sherdog? It seems to me that just by the act of writing that post on sherdog it shows that you are not completely comfortable with your take on the relationship, it tells me that you have doubts and you want to hear others so you can explore those doubts within yourself.

The more that you "resist" something in the universe, the more than you will attract it, this universe doesnt work in negatives, we attract and match same vibrational frequencies and by the mere fact that you always have "that relationship" in your mind you are matching that vibrational frequency and you are attracting it, thats why you think about it all the time and thats why you wrote this post.
For sure mate, the reason I made this thread is evidence enough that there is something nagging within me. I have these two conflicting thoughts pulling me and sometimes I wonder which pull is the resistance and which is not. If I try to get closer to my parents, is it because it’s something I really want deep inside? I feel more comfortable maintaining the current status quo, but is it because I’m scared of what I really want? The only way for me find out is to really try, and I guess I am, kind of, ever so slowly. I try to interact with my parents with bit more warmth and kindness but I have trouble opening up to them, which is something I’m good at with chicks I barely know. My parents barely know me and I barely know them, but being genuine with them is terrifying for some reason.

One time when my dad had one of his outbursts of anger, he yelled at me that I have no fucking goals in life and live without thinking, to which I replied in frustration that I think about killing myself. That made him pause and he has been treating a bit differently since then. Perhaps it will be a catalyst for more open honesty between us. Although one time I told my mom that to which she said she doesn’t give a shit lol. Kind of funny in retrospect. I wonder how they would react if I talk about all the chicks I’ve fucked and how I cheated on exes and shit. They want me to get married and have kids in the foreseeable future and how they’ll be disappointed about how much of a man-whore I can be.
 
No one is saying you have to hang out with your parents every weekend or something. Just more often than once a month...

The fact that you already are trying to be nicer and warmer towards them is enough imo
 
Yeah, it never made any sense to me, but still there are literally millions of shithead parents out there.
Why is it baffling? There are no qualifications to become a parent and some people I wouldn't trust to watch my goldfish for a week.

I am about as close to my parents as I want to get. That means talking on the phone or maybe going to dinner every week or so, but otherwise not letting them control my life any more than they have. By most respects they were pretty good parents, but the whole clingy overprotective routine didn't do me any favours.

I'm still working on the not holding grudges thing, but it's tough when the behaviour you begrudge continues to persist.
 
For sure mate, the reason I made this thread is evidence enough that there is something nagging within me. I have these two conflicting thoughts pulling me and sometimes I wonder which pull is the resistance and which is not. If I try to get closer to my parents, is it because it’s something I really want deep inside? I feel more comfortable maintaining the current status quo, but is it because I’m scared of what I really want? The only way for me find out is to really try, and I guess I am, kind of, ever so slowly. I try to interact with my parents with bit more warmth and kindness but I have trouble opening up to them, which is something I’m good at with chicks I barely know. My parents barely know me and I barely know them, but being genuine with them is terrifying for some reason.

One time when my dad had one of his outbursts of anger, he yelled at me that I have no fucking goals in life and live without thinking, to which I replied in frustration that I think about killing myself. That made him pause and he has been treating a bit differently since then. Perhaps it will be a catalyst for more open honesty between us. Although one time I told my mom that to which she said she doesn’t give a shit lol. Kind of funny in retrospect. I wonder how they would react if I talk about all the chicks I’ve fucked and how I cheated on exes and shit. They want me to get married and have kids in the foreseeable future and how they’ll be disappointed about how much of a man-whore I can be.
I feel that you are seeking validation from your parents (which is normal for every human being) and it hurts you that you dont find it. As I said we have to start from the point of view that your parents are flawed and the more you accept that the better you will feel. It doesnt mean they are bad people they are just flawed like you and I are, but its important that you grow and expand from it, not feel victimized by it

Also I feel you are trying to show negative aspects of yourself to your parents in order to feel attention from them, stop doing that man, you are not hurting them, yo are hurting yourself.

I dont know your parents man but by the things you wrote I dont think you should approach them trying to find "understanding" or validation from them, I dont know how old you are either but you seem to be a mature independent person, maybe at this moment in life its not them who are supposed to "understand" and validate you, but instead YOU are the one who is supposed to "understand" and validate them, maybe they need more emotional help than you do man, and by your awareness it seems like you are more than capable of doing that task.

Its going to feel weird at the beginning but maybe stop feeling like a kid in front of them but become the adult, when your father gets angry instead of getting scared, go to him, hug him and say "I understand you, its ok"

I dont know all the detals about your relationship man, and I dont even know if this would be the right approach but I dont think its healthy for you to feel powerless and victimized about the whole relationship, I think you should use the situation to grow and expand. Good luck man
 
Rough reading this stuff. I feel for you guys.

My parents had a ton of problems and wound up getting divorced and delved into drugs and alcohol at different points in their lives.

The one thing they did that I can't thank them enough for is hide it from the kids. They never pushed any of their problems on us and they kept everything hidden. Their priorities were kids first and themselves second and it really worked wonders in raising us. Sounds like a lot of your parents took their own problems out on you and that obviously leads to a ton of resentment later on in life. When friends do this, you stop being friends, never talk to them again and that's that. With parents you can't really do that and if you do it's really hard. Just a shame that they couldn't keep their own demons away from you guys.
 
I used to hold on to a lot of anger and resentment towards my parents for how they treated me since childhood and I don’t have that anymore, at least on an intellectual level. I know that they did their best with what they have while trying to deal with their own issues. Regardless of whether or not they were “good” parents, it isn’t healthy for me to hold on to any sort of anger or resent against them, or anybody.

I still have some feelings I push down but I am trying to let all of it go. The most recent incident of these pent up emotions coming out was when my dad got really angry at me a few days ago. My dad has issues with anger and perhaps depression, which he addresses by getting wasted pretty much every other day. This time he was also drunk and he asked me something, which I didn’t answer because I was distracted by something and didn’t hear him. At this, he flew into a rage where he started screaming at me from the top of his lungs. I’m sure to bystanders he looked like an insane person. I was just there looking at him confused at why he was so angry and couldn’t express how he feels like a normal adult, while he’s screaming at me. It I was still a child, he would have grabbed the nearest object and started beating me with it but he knows I can defend myself now. There’s a part of me that wanted to see how far I can push him but I said I’m sorry and he calmed down.

I grew up with so much anger and after episodes like this, I used to smash things and punch things out of frustration but I am much better at dealing with my emotions now. I did feel anger simmering inside me when I got home and I took a few deep breaths and let it go. A part of me wanted to cry or scream or punch something but I resisted doing that.

Other than the rare moments like the above, I am for the most part “cool” with my parents. The relationship is purely functional. I talk to my parents whenever we need something from each other like when my mom needs to borrow my car or she wants to give me some food she made. Part of the reason I limit my interaction with them is to avoid situations like I mentioned, but mostly I realized I don’t find them interesting as people. If my friends were like my parents, I would stop hanging out with them for my own happiness and well-being even if I didn’t hate them. But they are my parents so cutting them off doesn’t seem right.

I feel okay with the idea of maintaining the relationship as it is but some people tell me I may regret it later if I don’t try to become closer with them. I am unsure as I don’t like being around my parents’ negativity and narrow-minded views. As harsh as it sounds, I simply am not that interested in them as people and I don’t even know what a “close” relationship with them would look like as I have never had that with them. I can try to be compassionate and understanding with them, but do I need to be close with them? I am not sure if my subtle wanting to improve my relationship with them is something that I really want for myself, or I just feel this way because that’s what society tells me one should do.

Cliffs:
1. Would you regret having a dispassionate relationship with your parents?

You're response to the situation seems on point.

My dad's pretty emotionaly distant being old school Irish, working with him the last few years has got us closer. He's a good dude so that's all good.

I got no interest in getting a closer relationship with my uncle tho, he's an arse.

A closer relationship does not make a relationship good or bad but maybe improves or degrades the quality.
 
I come from a very emotionally distant family. I got hugs and all that when I was a child, but not anymore and that's fine.

I have more of a business relationship with my parents now. They only live a few minutes away and help out with my daughter if I need them to, but we aren't affectionate towards each other and I've just gotten used to it over the years.
 
Back
Top