Getting closer to your parents

Discussion in 'Mayberry Lounge' started by Pugilistic, Aug 9, 2016.

  1. Pugilistic

    Pugilistic Red Belt

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    I used to hold on to a lot of anger and resentment towards my parents for how they treated me since childhood and I don’t have that anymore, at least on an intellectual level. I know that they did their best with what they have while trying to deal with their own issues. Regardless of whether or not they were “good” parents, it isn’t healthy for me to hold on to any sort of anger or resent against them, or anybody.

    I still have some feelings I push down but I am trying to let all of it go. The most recent incident of these pent up emotions coming out was when my dad got really angry at me a few days ago. My dad has issues with anger and perhaps depression, which he addresses by getting wasted pretty much every other day. This time he was also drunk and he asked me something, which I didn’t answer because I was distracted by something and didn’t hear him. At this, he flew into a rage where he started screaming at me from the top of his lungs. I’m sure to bystanders he looked like an insane person. I was just there looking at him confused at why he was so angry and couldn’t express how he feels like a normal adult, while he’s screaming at me. It I was still a child, he would have grabbed the nearest object and started beating me with it but he knows I can defend myself now. There’s a part of me that wanted to see how far I can push him but I said I’m sorry and he calmed down.

    I grew up with so much anger and after episodes like this, I used to smash things and punch things out of frustration but I am much better at dealing with my emotions now. I did feel anger simmering inside me when I got home and I took a few deep breaths and let it go. A part of me wanted to cry or scream or punch something but I resisted doing that.

    Other than the rare moments like the above, I am for the most part “cool” with my parents. The relationship is purely functional. I talk to my parents whenever we need something from each other like when my mom needs to borrow my car or she wants to give me some food she made. Part of the reason I limit my interaction with them is to avoid situations like I mentioned, but mostly I realized I don’t find them interesting as people. If my friends were like my parents, I would stop hanging out with them for my own happiness and well-being even if I didn’t hate them. But they are my parents so cutting them off doesn’t seem right.

    I feel okay with the idea of maintaining the relationship as it is but some people tell me I may regret it later if I don’t try to become closer with them. I am unsure as I don’t like being around my parents’ negativity and narrow-minded views. As harsh as it sounds, I simply am not that interested in them as people and I don’t even know what a “close” relationship with them would look like as I have never had that with them. I can try to be compassionate and understanding with them, but do I need to be close with them? I am not sure if my subtle wanting to improve my relationship with them is something that I really want for myself, or I just feel this way because that’s what society tells me one should do.

    Cliffs:
    1. Would you regret having a dispassionate relationship with your parents?
     
  2. jabba the punk

    jabba the punk Purple Belt

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    My parents were abusive, physically and mentally. I wish a lot of the things I had to see and experience never could just be erased from my mind. I've suffered from anxiety, depression, and self doubt issues. My father would beat me so bad, I would have to lie in school about about the causes about my busted face. My mother would always tell me how I would never amount to nothing and would make me cry. Neither of my parents never went to any of of my high school jazz shows or water polo games. It was bad

    In old age, best thing I could have ever done is forgive them and move on. Deep down inside they always loved me, but because of their own personal issues, they were not ready to be parents. Now that I live on my own and have my own life, my relationship with my parents has never been better. I rarely see my father, but when I do, its always welcome. And my mother I see every time I go back to visit my home town. She lacks formal education and can barely speak English so I help her stay financially afloat. I love them both and I'd do anything for them.

    I say avoid regretting and don't hold grudges against your parents. They're humans just like you and I, and it goes with out saying that humans are flawed creatures. You, me, and everyone here can attest to that. Love, man.
     
  3. usfbrah

    usfbrah Chronic gambler

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    I don't really talk to my parents. Haven't seen my mom in almost 10 years and haven't seen my dad in 2. I talk to my mom on ththe phone but not my dad. I like it this way. I have no regrets. They are just so damn ignorant sometimes I can't stand them lol
     
  4. MC Paul Barman

    MC Paul Barman Gold Belt Platinum Member

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    My mom died when I was 24...
    There were rough times, but now the older I get the more I wish dearly she was back here.
    It would have been nice for her to see me get married or meet my son.
     
  5. MC Paul Barman

    MC Paul Barman Gold Belt Platinum Member

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    Give it some more years: you'll have regrets.
     
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  6. usfbrah

    usfbrah Chronic gambler

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    If they were dying I'd try to go to see them. Other than that, there really is no reason to. I don't don't need peopl that don't support or try to put me down around me.
     
  7. MC Paul Barman

    MC Paul Barman Gold Belt Platinum Member

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    Dont kid yourself: you need all types of people... Whether they support your decisions or not.
     
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  8. usfbrah

    usfbrah Chronic gambler

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    I'd rather be drunk
     
  9. brownfeet

    brownfeet Red Belt

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    for a while I didn't speak nor see my parents or any family but my youngest sister for 6+ years (forget the actual number), then I finally started talking to the rest of the family through my sister. now I've only visited them twice since then and it's been about 2 years now since I last saw them but every blue moon my mom calls and i'll have small chats w/her and my dad. I don't have any hard feelings towards any of them, now a days I'm just trying to make sure they're set up for retirement.
     
  10. DIABOLUS

    DIABOLUS Banned Banned

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    I had a pretty good childhood growing up (no abuse, verbal, physical, or otherwise) but went through a phase where I was angry at my parents for sheltering me so much and not giving me the social tools, confidence, and conditioning to make friends, have girlfriends etc. I was (and to a large degree, still am) living my life ruled by fears and insecurities. It was so bad there were times I wished I'd been born in an abusive household, because it seemed to me that people who were products of that upbringing had a stronger sense of identity, more backbone, etc.

    After a while I just took responsibility for my own shortcomings in life and let go of my anger toward them. I know they did the best they could, and, by all accounts, it was a good childhood. I know people who went through much worse. My parents are in their 60's now. I see them growing older before my eyes, and I realize our time together is finite. I don't want to have regrets that I didn't have a relationship with them while they are still alive. So I try to keep in touch with them at least once a week, especially now that we all live in separate states. My mom is in Texas, and my dad back in Florida.

    My brother and sister are not the same way. My sister has anger issues toward my dad and almost never speaks to him. My brother has issues with everyone in our family but me. I'm the only one he talks to, and very rarely, at that. I've always been the even-keeled guy who tries to keep in touch with everyone. At the end of the day, I won't allow myself to have any regrets. Life's too short for that.
     
  11. Pugilistic

    Pugilistic Red Belt

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    For the most part, I have gotten rid of the grudges and I don’t think it’s their fault that they were and are the way they are. At the same time, I am not sure that I am obliged to tolerate other people’s issues and be around them so like in the case of my dad, I can serve as a target for his anger. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to do that, but it’s not my job to help him. On paper, I am a “normal” son. They don’t need my help with money but if they want it, I sometimes give a bit of money to my mom for groceries or pay for their gas. After all, they spent a lot of time and money on me so it’s right that I pay them back. If I was rich, I’d give them back all the money they spent on educating and clothing and feeding me. But in terms of love, I didn’t really feel that from them, and if I’m being honest I can’t have much love for them either, which is why I say it is a purely functional relationship. And I’m someone who detests that. I’m somebody who wants genuine interactions with people and see the world with love, but it’s so hard to do that with my parents.

    In what ways would the regret manifest? What is the thought process like? Is it like a “Oh they did love me despite all the shit they did to me and I should have loved them more while they were alive” type of thinking?
     
  12. Pugilistic

    Pugilistic Red Belt

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    Lol I have to give it to parents that no matter what they may do, it’s so hard to be perfect to their kids. It’s either too little love or too much. Not enough discipline or too much sheltering. I’ve had similar grievances about my parents as you had. I got both the abuse and sheltering where I got my ass kicked for reasons I didn’t understand but whenever I wanted to do something for myself, they either shut me down and told me I couldn’t, or had to hold my hand through every step out of fear that I would fail/get hurt. But no matter what they do, it’s hard for parents to win. I’ve seen parents who make my parents look like the most loving people in the world, and I’ve seen angry, resentful people with parents who seemed extremely loving and caring to me.

    I’ve seen people who say they don’t have issues with their parents but they obviously do as well. A girl I know was pretty much abandoned by her dad and left her to her own devices since she was 12 except for hiring a neighbor lady to give her some food on the weekends (since she could eat school food during the week). He put a restraining order on her mom so she couldn’t see her mom for most of her life and then he cut her out of his life as soon as she turned 18. She says she doesn’t have any anger or emotion at all toward her dad, but she starts breaking down and crying if she talks about it.

    It seems most people who have rekindled their relationship with their parents all live somewhat far from them. On a similar note, I’ve heard the happiest a married couples are the ones where at least one person goes on business trips a lot. Unfortunately for me, I live literally a 5 minute drive from my parents.
     
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  13. odog

    odog A cat trapped in a dog's body

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    My dad was a tool. Never cared for him. Don't have the time to explain it all, but didn't even go to his funeral.

    On the other hand, I now look after my Mom. We are very different people. She had me at 41 so we are two generations apart really and didn't always get along. But obviously she's family and since I have the time I took on the task of looking after her. It takes up a lot of my free time, but I don't regret it.
     
  14. ProBoxingInsidr

    ProBoxingInsidr Silver Belt

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    my father can rot in hell. i cant wish enough bad things on that pos. i am currently not speaking with my mother either. not the same level of anger, but she did me really wrong
     
  15. SherdogGoat

    SherdogGoat Platinum & Braco Belt Banned

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    It completely baffles me how parents can be assholes towards their own children and vice versa. I don't think I can do anything to repay my mother for whatever she's done for me throughout her life. And I dearly miss my dad who passed away like 15 years back, he was a bit tough with me and my brothers and sometimes slapped the fuck out of us but it pretty much kept us in check. I consider him being gone, the biggest loss in my life so far.
     
  16. EJAXXX

    EJAXXX "Not Bad for an Old Man" Platinum Member

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    I love my parents, they're supportive in every way, they might even be too cool.

    The only thing I could say that bothers me, is that my mother is almost too into everything I do and sometimes I feel like she worries a lot about me. Thats just the way she loves her kids though.
     
  17. ralphc1

    ralphc1 Steel Belt Platinum Member

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    I was lucky to have good parents who instilled good values and responsibility in my life. They were married for over 50 years until my mother died and my father 2 1/2 years later. I was always close to them.
     
  18. YoungBoyd

    YoungBoyd Maulana

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    Yeah, it never made any sense to me, but still there are literally millions of shithead parents out there.
     
  19. CatchOmega

    CatchOmega Hideous Disfigurement

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    Many people aren't given the option to inform other people that they're about to die. Sometimes it just happens. That's often times when regret sinks in.
     
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  20. ButtonMasher

    ButtonMasher Banned Banned

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    Nope.

    That's basically my brothers and my relationship with my parents.

    Instead of being real they spent their time trying to prop themselves up as infallible and over us.

    My brothers and I barely know anything about our parents, I can write everything I know about their pasts on one side of a sheet of paper with room to spare.

    Now that we're all grown and somewhat distant I suppose they're getting just what they asked for.
     

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