Dealing with toxic mentally ill friends

I have friends like that who I don't really enjoy being around, but whom I still feel a deep, abiding bond with because we grew up together and suffered good and bad together.

Over time we've sort of drifted apart without ever severing ties completely. I still love those guys, but sometimes wish I'd been better at picking my friends as a teen. We just sorta fell in with each other and that was that. Saddled with negative bs 4 life.
 
You cannot help people who aren't willing to help themselves. I've dealt with a few like that over the years and the sad truth is that while they are in the grip of addiction you are just another mug for them to leech off of. After a while you just have to accept that these cunts will most likely never change and if they are dragging you down spiritually and mentally which they inevitably do, all that's left is to move on.
 
Compassion my friend...you don’t have to be there in a capacity that compromises your health and well being, but don’t turn your back on an old Bro in trouble...Sometimes shit is hard and you gotta stay in the good fight..Peace.
 
I don't know. I've had friends with addictions or untreated mental illness and I guess they're really not themselves, or I hate to say but hardly even people -- it's like they're part demon where part of their soul used to be, while in the grip of it. Like it's hard to even carry on a conversation. But it's gotta be different case by case.
 
Tell him straight, get your shit together (or at least pretend to) or take a walk. I have pretty much had a complete mental meltdown recently, and I know how erratic and dangerous people like that can be.
 
I would say not to abandon this person but to restrict your interactions with them. If you are constantly saving them from getting into fights then stop going places with them where they are likely to get into a fight. No bars, clubs, etc. Only agree to hang out with them if they stay clean and sober.
 
You just need to move on bro. I mean all you can do is offer support and help, but there's only so much you can do. My 2 best friends from high school have gone through unfortunate paths. One got schizophrenia among heavy drug usage and other mental illness. He is partially conserved by the state now. Luckily he is 100% service connected veteran so he is taken care of and gets disability money. We have lost touched for over a decade, but a few years back I was able to get into contact with him and would talk to him about once a week for a few months until his cell phone stopped working. My other best friend basically became homeless due to drug/alcohol abuse. Became estranged to his family. Everytime I visited home (Hawaii) I would see him on the streets. Tried to talk to him, but he would purposely ignore me. Last time I saw him was a little over 5 years ago in Waikiki. Gave him $20 and he said thanks and walked away. A year prior to that he saw me first in Waikiki. Tapped my shoulder and walked by saying "take care of your friends next time." Tried to talk to him, but he just kept going. It's been 5 years since I last saw him. No one I know has seen him around over the past few years. I have no clue if he is dead or in jail. I always hope I bump into him everytime I go back home to visit, but it has yet to happen.
 
biscuitsbrah said:
... I would feel really guilty if this dude killed himself and I wasn’t there for him.
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Can you talk about this some more? Let's start on a scale of one to ten. How guilty would you be if he killed himself and you weren't there? Do you think you'd be at that level for how long? Would it ever diminish, or do you think it would be level 9000 for the rest of your life? Either way, could you cope with that?

Then, what are possible alternatives? Again, apply the 1-10 scale, but this time towards realistic contingencies. For instance, most of us want our problems to magically go away without effort. This would usually rank a 1 on the scale of probability, being the least likely resolution. Your options cannot be limited to 1) he kills himself and 2) you must bear his responsibilities forever; you can't think of anything in between those two realities?
 
biscuitsbrah said:
I’m stating facts. I’m probably the most patient person to him ever. I know it’s hard to believe from a random stranger over the internet but yeah. He’s probably really close to clinically mentally retarded so calling him retarded isn’t an insult. Pretty sure the legal definition is iq < 80
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Idk man. I really don't know. It sounds like you're rationalizing the really mean things you said in the first post.

I know people that do talk like that and a lot of their friends end up in shitty places but the common factor in those situations is them. They are a bad influence on peoples lives. That guy I'm referencing is a lawyer now and it's literally his job to be a bad influence on peoples lives now and he has it all rationalized in his head. I don't know if you're like him or not but it does sound like it.
 
Jack Stevonovich said:
Idk man. I really don't know. It sounds like you're rationalizing the really mean things you said in the first post.

I know people that do talk like that and a lot of their friends end up in shitty places but the common factor in those situations is them. They are a bad influence on peoples lives. That guy I'm referencing is a lawyer now and it's literally his job to be a bad influence on peoples lives now and he has it all rationalized in his head. I don't know if you're like him or not but it does sound like it.
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Biscuits is cool bra. I know where he's coming from. I'm the crazy person that no one wants anything to do with, and I don't blame them.
 
superpunch said:
I don't know. I've had friends with addictions or untreated mental illness and I guess they're really not themselves, or I hate to say but hardly even people -- it's like they're part demon where part of their soul used to be, while in the grip of it. Like it's hard to even carry on a conversation. But it's gotta be different case by case.
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That’s funny you use the word demon. I used the word monsters to describe their alternate personalities
 
blaseblah said:
I would say not to abandon this person but to restrict your interactions with them. If you are constantly saving them from getting into fights then stop going places with them where they are likely to get into a fight. No bars, clubs, etc. Only agree to hang out with them if they stay clean and sober.
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A.A. Riggs said:
Can you talk about this some more? Let's start on a scale of one to ten. How guilty would you be if he killed himself and you weren't there? Do you think you'd be at that level for how long? Would it ever diminish, or do you think it would be level 9000 for the rest of your life? Either way, could you cope with that?

Then, what are possible alternatives? Again, apply the 1-10 scale, but this time towards realistic contingencies. For instance, most of us want our problems to magically go away without effort. This would usually rank a 1 on the scale of probability, being the least likely resolution. Your options cannot be limited to 1) he kills himself and 2) you must bear his responsibilities forever; you can't think of anything in between those two realities?
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Yeah I guess very limited interaction is better than nothing. It’s hard to find a balance between ignoring a guys phone calls and not though
 
Cole train said:
By your stories literally everyone wants to be involved with you lol
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I actually have heaps of friends, it's not hard to get people to like you, but when they get to know what I'm really like they are like "oh shit" exit stage left. Did I tell you about the time I had a scooter chucked at me. Also the local police think I'm a bit of a legend and i get on ok with them. It's not my fault I have "self defenced" a heap of scumbags. Did I tell you about the time I broke someone's jaw and the judge and prosecutor were practically laughing about it. I escaped with a non conviction...
 
biscuitsbrah said:
I’m stating facts. I’m probably the most patient person to him ever. I know it’s hard to believe from a random stranger over the internet but yeah. He’s probably really close to clinically mentally retarded so calling him retarded isn’t an insult. Pretty sure the legal definition is iq < 80
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Well if he. a danger to himself or others he should be hospitalized...

You in the USA?
 
biscuitsbrah said:
Man that’s sad, don’t say that about yourself. You seem really cool on these forums.
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Not really I have been having a minor mental melt down with this covid shit, among other things. I have also punched out half the local football team, which tends to create a certain "stigma". I live in a small country town, and I was a nerd in high school, the major problem was I became a fight nerd. When I got older they tried to continue their shit and got fucked up. It's a lose lose situation really. That is why I laugh some much when people start talking self defence on the street. Violence can be a very dark path and nearly all dangerous situations can be avoided. And when shit really goes down a weapon and some training or petrol and a lighter are vastly superior to any martial art skill. The thought of a chick using bjj against a rapist always bemused me.
 
biscuitsbrah said:
Yeah I guess very limited interaction is better than nothing. It’s hard to find a balance between ignoring a guys phone calls and not though
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Refuse to go out drinking with him. If he wants to hang out then insist on doing it somewhere he won't cause trouble.
 
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