So I can't sleep, thought maybe venting some of this would help. You've been warned twice now, so I don't want to hear any comments bitching about wading through all of this. Please feel free to leave your own quasi or complete life story about failure, bitterness, or a Rocky montage of how you turned it all around. Here's a cliffs notes of the last 10 years or so for me: Take a pill for the migraines, for the anxiety, for the depression, for the nerve pains, for the aches and pains, for the indigestion. They got pills for all kinds of shit now. Where's the pill to make me stop hating myself so fucking much? For making me not feel so ridiculously sad or angry all the time? That will show me how to interact with people like a normal human being again, how to make friends, how to get a girlfriend, how to sleep through an entire night without waking up wanting to kill myself every night. They don't seem to have a good pill for that yet.When I was in my teens I just thought this would magically get better some day, don't ask me why. Guess I'm just not very bright. In my early 20s I thought having a girlfriend would make it better. In my mid 20s I just gave up completely. Spent years fucking up everything I touched and just running full tilt into a brick wall every day. Just tried to stay drunk or high every single second I wasn't at work, until I lost everything I had over and over again. In my late 20s I woke up one day and realized I lived in a room I had rented off of Craigslist, I had lost my latest shitty job. Had no career. Burned bridges with all of my family and 95% of my friends. I thought I was going to die in that cramped little room, surrounded by all of my shit in boxes. I wish I had. Instead I started dating my ex-wife, and got motivated to do more than just scrape by and do the bare minimum for the first time in about a decade.Got a new shitty job just in time, as I was completely broke and behind on the rent for the first time in my life. A buddy had an uncle with some land that needed manual labor done, I went out there and busted my ass for enough cash under the table to survive until my first check came in. The new job was work I was completely wrong for, everyone in my life thought I would hold it for a few months tops. I worked hard, harder than I'd ever worked at anything I think. I knew from months of searching if I failed again there were no other jobs, ot even fast food.I got really, really good at my job. Doubled my pay in about a year and a half. Got my girl and I out of our shitty rented rooms, got us a place, a car, stuff etc. Paid off a bunch of her debt, started working on mine. Woke up one day and realized I was actually happy, for probably the first time in my life ever. Didn't really know how to deal with it. Proposed to my girl, spent a year clocking overtime to pay for a wedding and a honeymoon. My ex and I had a cute When Harry Met Sally thing going on when we first met, where we were trying to be friends but just had this incredible chemistry that everyone else saw but us. Anyway we got married, about a month after my company cut my entire departments pay in half. A couple months after that, my wife left me for someone else. I was so shell shocked I actually tried to get her back. I figured marriage vows are srs bsns and we should at least try to work it out. Yeah I said I'm not so bright. Anyway she made it clear between trips to get her stuff she didn't have any interest in being with me. She saw me more as a friend now, it was totally her and not me, etc bullshit bullshit, but thanks for spending the thousands of dollars on her and whatnot. So then I drifted around for a couple years again, slowly sinking back into drugs and alcohol, etc. And now, I'm trying to get my shit together again. Seeing a therapist, lots of little pills for all the fun things that are wrong with me and etc. I never really got over any of it. It's been about 3 years now, plenty of time to get over it, but it just isn't nappening. I'm still chuggin along, trying to plan for a future that isn't so fucked up, where maybe I'll have friends again or a girlfriend or some social interaction of some kind. Where I'll feel happy and like my life has some value to it, like it actually matters if I live or die. I've pretty much given up on the idea of ever being in a relationship again, and am just absurdly lonely. I miss having hope, that shit is just gone. I'm in my mid 30s now and still a fuckup in pretty much every way possible, hoping to one day piece together the bare minimum for a happy existence. The same way I felt when I was 18 and moved out on my own for the first time. I've literally accomplished nothing my entire life, and am a complete waste of human life. Feels good man. Because of the fucked up way I grew up I based my entire life on everyone else around me instead of my own happiness. I'm paying the price now for not knowing how to build a life around myself.To anyone that actually endured all of that, thanks for listening I guess. I've been starting to seriously rethink the idea of suicide lately, everything just feels very bleak. I'm trying to get through it the best I can, but I honestly just don't see the point in living any more, other than not wanting to hurt people by killing myself. Anyway I'm probably not going to kill myself I just don't want to live anymore. I'm just rambling now, so I'm gogoing to try to go back to sleep.