My bar-crawling infancy was experienced in and around Western Pennsylvania. Being a keen observer of animal behavior, my buddies and I devised and/or co-opted a nomenclature for specific bar chick archetypes as shorthand for the always-impending 2am-lights-on dash for last minute trim. (Insert Species Name Here) at 9 o'clock, yo! Get some! Examples: 1. The Slam Hound: Subject is usually blonde or peroxide blonde, cropped spaghetti strap-style shirt, belly ring, optional choker-style necklace, flared jeans, face 3-6 out of 10, most likely a fan of Nickelback or Puddle of Mudd, 2nd or 3rd tier sorority sister, majoring in education or some other soft science. Pictorial reference: The Swamp Donkey: Usually a townie. Heavy makeup. The illusion or assumption of full body sweatiness is to always be assumed and can often be observed. Hair stringy and occasionally topped with a trucker hat. Subject may or may not be thicker than the Slam Hound, but more likely to wear tracksuit separates, spaghetti straps or just bras, Von Dutch shirts, wifebeaters, more often than not baring the midfrif etc. Then -recent discovery of push up bra gives the illusion of large to enormous breasts that offset potentially sloppy midsection. Tastes in music lean more toward the Nelly's and Christina Aguilera shit-pop. Pictorial Reference: What say you, boys? Got a classification system that got you through closing time?
