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Checking back in (Update and Thanks)

Discussion in 'Mayberry Lounge' started by Brampton_Boy, Aug 26, 2018.

  1. Brampton_Boy Douchey Mc Douche

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    Hi all,

    <<PREFACE: LONG POST>>
    I've been wanting to write this post for a while now, but truthfully, it's been difficult finding the emotional resolve (and time) to put virtual pen to paper.

    First and foremost, I want to thank everyone who left me words of condolence after my father's passing - while I couldn't bring myself to respond to any of them, they actually brought me a significant amount of comfort and solace during some really tough times.

    For those of you who don't know, in a 5 day period in June, my mother had a major surgery, my dog and my father passed away (the latter two unexpectedly). It felt like my ground was pulled out from under me - the aftermath of dealing with the funeral, his estate and other circumstances (which I will attempt to briefly explain) has been crushing.

    Loss is a part of life. I am 33 years old and recognize that my parents were slowing down with age. When my father passed suddenly, it felt like a crushing blow, but I also knew it was going to happen at some point. What kills me though is what I found out after the fact - this is difficult to write, as I had an enormous amount of love and respect for my father.

    To make a long story short, he was suffering from congestive heart failure for 14 years, and never told us. Since 2004, he had two heart attacks, a major heart surgery and was on a litany of medications. I know it sounds far fetched, but my family knew NOTHING of this. My parents lived separately (while still married) because he was a professor in another part of the province. We saw him twice a month and spent summers together, but he somehow managed to keep this part of his life completely hidden.

    He would often boast about never going to doctors and never missing a day of work. When he lost a significant amount of weight over a short period (in 2011), he told us he had a blood infection and barred us from visiting him in Windsor. He would routinely come up with excuses for having to rush back to home when visiting, and often blamed the demands of teaching/research for not staying longer.

    Apparently in the days before he died, he knew he was at his end. He had gone to the hospital, and they had sent him home in respite care. With that being said, he STILL didn't tell us he was sick - if I had known or suspected anything, I would have dropped everything to be at his side. Instead, my last memory of him is a 3 minute phone call where he told me to visit my aunt who was sick.

    I feel/felt cheated of spending more time with him. There is a tremendous amount of guilt, as I tell myself I should have seen the signs, or just showed up at his door. When we cleared out his house, there were literally garbage bags full of medication he had just never bothered to take. He could have saved his own life (or at least extended it significantly), but instead, he decided to take a slow burn death and ignore doctor's advice.

    Would you believe me that this isn't even the worst of how he lead his life? This is already an excessively long post, but the follow up will include his secret mistress of 27 years, drilling down a door with my lawyer to throw an elderly woman on the street, finding $50,000 wrapped in tin foil hidden in his house, as well as precious metals and long guns (keep in mind that this is an elderly professor who didn't even so much as drink in our presence).

    My life continues to be hectic and comically tragic. I am the estate's executor (as my mom is wrecked from finding out how my dad lived his life). I am now also an involuntary landlord to four rental properties, and trying to figure out taxes on a man that hid his money in more than 15 accounts scattered in different countries.

    I apologize again for the length of this post, and thank each and everyone for providing me support and kind words (both in this instance and over the years). I actually haven't told many people in my actual life, as there is an element of shame in admitting this stuff is happening to my family.

    Hope everyone is well. I miss Sherdog - it is a legitimately comforting outlet for dealing with the stress of everyday life.
     
  2. BisexualMMA Don't Put My Name in the Name of Steroids!

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    All I can say is good to hear from you and you shouldn't feel guilty about not spending more time with him during his last months. He made his own choice to keep that information to himself and give you no reason to feel any urgency.
     
  3. spin Gold Belt

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    @Brampton_Boy good luck and i hope you make it through all this and have good things ahead.
     
  4. HelloJapan Talking loud and saying nothing. Platinum Member

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    Wow. My condolences on your Fathers (and dogs) passing. I hope your Mom is feeling better as well (health wise).

    Secrets, we all have them. Learning about a loved ones after they're gone is shocking, of course. I do think in time that you will find peace with the choices he made, for his reasons. I'm more then sure he wanted to spare his family of concerns over his health...his heart was in the right place.

    It reminds me of that Six Feet Under episode, where Nate Jr learns about his Dad's alternate life, after his death. He had a secret room above an Indian restaurant, where he would go from time to time...to be by himself, whatever else. He smoked pot, and had a weird sense of humor...all things he never knew about his Father. If you haven't seen it, maybe it would help to watch.

    In the end, its all about love.
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2018
  5. Dogstarman Old man jiu jitsu

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    Damn dude that’s rough. As @BisexualMMA said, it’s not your fault, your father decided to keep this stuff secret. It’s a shame he did. Keep fighting the good fight. You will get through this difficult time. Although, figuring your fathers financial situation sounds like a tremendous headache. Good luck.
     
  6. ClubFoot Therapy can be a good thing; it can be therapeutic Platinum Member

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    Are you selling your dads meds?

    Sorry, just trying to shed a little humour.

    I’m sorry to hear about the above, ive always thought of you as a valued posters did someone very knowledgeable in areas which have enlightened me.

    You’re old man sounded as if he was a real character! What a life, and to have all those things hidden.

    I wouldn’t look at it as a negative, I would be chuckling at how wiley the old bugger was.
     
  7. IloveTHIS Humble Narcissist

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    You're a good poster and I can understand the pain you are feeling, having lost my father unexpected just over 3 years ago. I'd give anything to go back and have even just 1 more day with him. So much I took for granted. So much I didnt ask. So much I didnt say.

    Try as much as possible to use this pain to fuel you. Let it drive you to never take a loved one for granted.
     
  8. loyalyolayal Steel Belt

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    All I got from it was that your dad was a balling secret agent man. Or Isis. Rip.
     
  9. TheWorm Silver Belt

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    I’m sorry about your loss. I missed the thread in June when all this happened. I hope your mother’s surgical recovery is going well notwithstanding the passing of your father and the revelations surrounding his apparent secret side of his life.

    For what it’s worth your Dad’s situation seems eerily similar to my best friend’s Dad who like your family also happens to be East Indian. Growing up they seemed like an ordinary family, despite being one of the few Indian families in a very small Alberta city. The only thing that ever seemed amis to me was that my best friend’s parents had separate bedrooms.

    When we were about 20 my friend told me that his parents were getting divorced, that his dad had a second life in that he would do annual or semi annual trips back to India where he would drink his face off for weeks and just fuck as many prostitutes as possible during his stay.

    I’m not suggesting your dad did that, but the discovery of a mistress and hidden accounts and shit has to be just as shocking.

    Do you think it’s possible that your dad wasn’t taking care of himself out of guilt? That he felt he deserved to die for his secret transgressions?
     
  10. Todd Gack Dutch

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    Sorry to hear all of this B.B.

    A guy I used to work with went through something similar. Dad died unexpectedly. He was an only child, his mother had already died years earlier. Dad didn’t have a will. Then he finds out his dad had two kids with some chick in Calgary. Shitstorm ensued over the estate.
     

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