Breaking through a depression that lasted years.. Feels like the first day of school.

[AgonyandIrony]

If you know about me, you've seen a bit of my sporadic posts. Some written while drunk and depressed, others about career achievements, others about losing four friends in a year to drug overdose and worried I would be next.

Truth be told, I'm more stressed than I've been in years, but to be fair, this is the most excited I've been.. Not since a flight to Vegas in 2013 had I actually been excited for anything. I figured that was just what adulthood was, not being surprised or anticipating anything. Just getting drunk every night, sleeping with whoever, and doing drugs constantly to try and keep myself happy. Mostly I feel it was to try and project to the world I was happy. My friends think I'm someone to be admired, I sleep with many women, and many women desire me, but truthfully I feel like I fucked for validation, and to truly experience someone in their most honest being. I grew jaded of relationships. Women loved the party A&I, charming and funny, but of course, we all come with our baggage, and if there is one thing I've noticed since doing stand up comedy and meeting other comedians. Most of us aren't doing this for approval. We're doing this because we're socially anxious people who learned to be comfortable dictating a situation.. but I digress.

Lately I've noticed how far things have slipped, I haven't been to the bar I went to nightly and was notorious at in almost three weeks, I've been drunk twice in that period and only done serious drugs once. (Molly but it was involved in a threesome so.. C'mon.. you would too...) and cut back inviting girls over every single night.

The restaurant gets closer and closer to opening, and it's a revolving door with stress. Pick a food delivery company? Great. Finish a menu and cost it out in a week. Menu finished? Great, how will you store each ingredient, how will you you set up your reach in to cut out valuable seconds in getting an order to the table? How will you train your cooks? If you fail here, you wreck over a decade of dedication, you wrecked a job offer making 15k a year more in Los Angeles that you turned down for your chance to have your own menu and succeed based on your abilities alone.

I guess I made this because I'm having a hard time getting into the rhythm of being a functional adult. I'm used to working my ass off, getting off work, having drinks and maybe snorting a line and sleeping with some random girl looking for the same validation and warm bed I was looking for. I want to be successful, and staying up until 5:00AM isn't going to do it.

I also made this because, to those dealing with depression, those empty beer cans infesting your home like roaches are momentary, and when you have a moment of clarity, and you see the mess you've made for yourself.. you need to accept that what happened when you were down doesn't define you, and that if you keep going forward, even if it's blind and you feel like you're digging out of quicksand you will eventually find a light at the end of the tunnel. When nothing else seems to matter, make something out of the one thing that gives you a reason to breathe, and eventually you will find your way.

 

[M3t4tr0n]

Congratz

 

[Kardashians]

youre such a darling xx

 

[Kardashians]

good luck with your restaurant btw
hope its successful <3

 

[AgonyandIrony]

good luck with your restaurant btw
hope its successful <3

If it's not expect a relapse. It won't be a thread like this though, it would be a coked out binge about how owls are the coolest bird eva.

 

[Kardashians]

If it's not expect a relapse. It won't be a thread like this though, it would be a coked out binge about how owls are the coolest bird eva.

lol, well, all the more reason to hope its successful then
not because i wouldnt enjoy your owl thread
but would rather see you in a better place mentally, plus running your own joint and having it do well would be cool too ya know? lol

 

[EJAXXX]

Good for you man.

Tell us more about the threesome, thanks.

 

[Thurisaz]

How many meds are you on?

Liberals are such dysfunctional people.

 

[mmaelitefan000]

crystal meth is bad for you. quit now while u can.

 

[genecop]

Sounds like you need some quite time, meditate.

 

[InvertedCross]

Congrats still dealing with mine tho

 

[ShinkanPo]

If you know about me, you've seen a bit of my sporadic posts. Some written while drunk and depressed, others about career achievements, others about losing four friends in a year to drug overdose and worried I would be next.

Truth be told, I'm more stressed than I've been in years, but to be fair, this is the most excited I've been.. Not since a flight to Vegas in 2013 had I actually been excited for anything. I figured that was just what adulthood was, not being surprised or anticipating anything. Just getting drunk every night, sleeping with whoever, and doing drugs constantly to try and keep myself happy. Mostly I feel it was to try and project to the world I was happy. My friends think I'm someone to be admired, I sleep with many women, and many women desire me, but truthfully I feel like I fucked for validation, and to truly experience someone in their most honest being. I grew jaded of relationships. Women loved the party A&I, charming and funny, but of course, we all come with our baggage, and if there is one thing I've noticed since doing stand up comedy and meeting other comedians. Most of us aren't doing this for approval. We're doing this because we're socially anxious people who learned to be comfortable dictating a situation.. but I digress.

Lately I've noticed how far things have slipped, I haven't been to the bar I went to nightly and was notorious at in almost three weeks, I've been drunk twice in that period and only done serious drugs once. (Molly but it was involved in a threesome so.. C'mon.. you would too...) and cut back inviting girls over every single night.

The restaurant gets closer and closer to opening, and it's a revolving door with stress. Pick a food delivery company? Great. Finish a menu and cost it out in a week. Menu finished? Great, how will you store each ingredient, how will you you set up your reach in to cut out valuable seconds in getting an order to the table? How will you train your cooks? If you fail here, you wreck over a decade of dedication, you wrecked a job offer making 15k a year more in Los Angeles that you turned down for your chance to have your own menu and succeed based on your abilities alone.

I guess I made this because I'm having a hard time getting into the rhythm of being a functional adult. I'm used to working my ass off, getting off work, having drinks and maybe snorting a line and sleeping with some random girl looking for the same validation and warm bed I was looking for. I want to be successful, and staying up until 5:00AM isn't going to do it.

I also made this because, to those dealing with depression, those empty beer cans infesting your home like roaches are momentary, and when you have a moment of clarity, and you see the mess you've made for yourself.. you need to accept that what happened when you were down doesn't define you, and that if you keep going forward, even if it's blind and you feel like you're digging out of quicksand you will eventually find a light at the end of the tunnel. When nothing else seems to matter, make something out of the one thing that gives you a reason to breathe, and eventually you will find your way.

Thanks for sharing, and being open I have been suffering depression since like 1998, it started as just some sort of anxiety but in 2015 it got worst to the point that I was forced to stay home and quit my job because of rage attacks and panic attacks.

Apparently meds have helped me since then,

I have made improvements before just like in late 2014 I was really optimistic about my new Job to the point that I am convinced that my depression is over but little did I know in just a matter of six months I will be raging lunatic who just smashes furniture and hurling insults to other family members all day.

It seems over stress at work that was kept uncheck got to me and triggered a relapse so my advice to you is to keep a healthy schedule don't over do things even when you feel happy and motivated about it.

 

[AgonyandIrony]

How many meds are you on?

Liberals are such dysfunctional people.

Zero meds. I don't understand this logic. I'm a functioning member of society, my depression is all inward. I've been focused on my career for over a decade and I'm doing very well for my age. Granted it took a lot of work, but wouldn't you conservatives applaud this?

crystal meth is bad for you. quit now while u can.

LOL I've never done meth or heroin, besides, cocaine> meth and sadly legal addies< all if you're into uppers.

Sounds like you need some quite time, meditate.

I've been doing that a bit man, thanks. There's a great monastery in OKC I might spend a few days at.

Good for you man.

Tell us more about the threesome, thanks.

Eh, a cam domme who is a good friend of mine and a bi girl I fool around with. 10/10 would do again tho. Did more Molly than I wanted to, but the bi girl had never fucked around with MDMA and I was worried about her so I did half hers on top of mine.

Thanks for sharing, and being open I have been suffering depression since like 1998, it started as just some sort of anxiety but in 2015 it got worst to the point that I was forced to stay home and quit my job because of rage attacks and panic attacks.

Apparently meds have helped me since then,

I have made improvements before just like in late 2014 I was really optimistic about my new Job to the point that I am convinced that my depression is over but little did I know in just a matter of six months I will be raging lunatic who just smashes furniture and hurling insults to other family members all day.

It seems over stress at work that was kept uncheck got to me and triggered a relapse so my advice to you is to keep a healthy schedule don't over do things even when you feel happy and motivated about it.

I don't medicate the proper way. Self medicate with marijuana, LSD, and alcohol though. Honestly LSD has done wonders for me. I always felt like it makes you face yourself, all the issues you bury down surface and if you sit in front of a screen and just write you will work out a lot. Panic attacks are the worst, you push away the people who you care about.. but the benefit is you learn about the people whom you should care about.. and who to care about.

I think your problem was that when confronted with a new job, you became infatuated with perceived happiness instead of reality. So basically (in my opinion) you thought the new job would take away all of your problems so when you hit a wall or the old feelings crept back you relapsed into those old thoughts. A healthy schedule is very important. I've started to get back into yoga and trying to schedule out every hour of my day to help. With this new job I'll be able to afford more than I've ever had before which will help. Nice car, nice suits, able to afford BJJ again, and I'll be able to actually go to therapy which I think will help alot.

 

[AgonyandIrony]

lol, well, all the more reason to hope its successful then
not because i wouldnt enjoy your owl thread
but would rather see you in a better place mentally, plus running your own joint and having it do well would be cool too ya know? lol

I don't see why it won't be successful. I might be putting unrealistic expectations on myself.. but I truly feel like I'm one of the best there is. I take every bit of sadness I've felt, and I cook with that. Pain is important. It's what we do with the pain that defines who we are imo.

 

[Thurisaz]

Zero meds. I don't understand this logic.

It's not logic, it's rhetoric, and thus of no real importance. Good to hear you're on no meds.

I'm a functioning member of society, my depression is all inward.

Why do you have a depression at all?

I've been focused on my career for over a decade and I'm doing very well for my age. Granted it took a lot of work, but wouldn't you conservatives applaud this?

I'm no conservative. Conservatism is a complete failure that managed to conserve nothing.

 

[AgonyandIrony]

It's not logic, it's rhetoric, and thus of no real importance. Good to hear you're on no meds.


Why do you have a depression at all?


I'm no conservative. Conservatism is a complete failure that managed to conserve nothing.

I would be a hypocrite to talk about people who are medicated, since I self medicate but granted, many people do. That's what has always worried me about medication. I'm very very good at what I do, and it's because of who I am. I feel like the drugs would diminish who I am.. Although I've always wondered, is our true path to adulthood accepting our own mediocrity?

As to the depression. Shit childhood, joined the military to get out, took a shit job. Loved my ship, loved Hawaii, but hated being the bilge rat. Left Hawaii, moved back to Oklahoma, left Oklahoma and moved to California, grandfather died, left California to help out family and they've been bleeding me dry ever since. I wake up every day knowing there are people out there in NOLA, Tokyo, LA, and NYC living the life I always wanted.. Shit way to start a day.

Then why are you talking shit about me being a leftist? I'm not a whiny SJW saying "I CAN'T DO THIS BECAUSE I'M ____) Quite the opposite. In my mind.. "I have done this despite ___)

 

[Thurisaz]

Although I've always wondered, is our true path to adulthood accepting our own mediocrity?

Only if you're mediocre. Then again, there are a boatload of things about being "normal" that is really good. Getting married and having kids are pretty much the greatest joys life can offer, and that really doesn't take a genius - only time and dedication. And some career sacrificing for the 5 first years or so of their life.

I wake up every day knowing there are people out there in NOLA, Tokyo, LA, and NYC living the life I always wanted.

Well, of what kind is the life you always wanted?

Then why are you talking shit about me being a leftist?

I don't call observing reality "talking shit". You're a leftie and you're miserable. There are few leftists that aren't.

 

[AgonyandIrony]

Congrats still dealing with mine tho

I'm sorry to hear that man. It's truly the worse feeling. We don't appreciate what we have and no one understands why we feel the way we do. It's a terrible feeling of isolation. You seem like a good guy, you'll be okay. You cook? I suggest cooking. Anyone can cook.

I made a beautiful baked pasta tonight with rigatoni with mozzarella, herb and roasted garlic compound butter poached chicken and a light tomato sauce. It's all about the little victories when you suffer from depression.

Is your bed made right now? As silly as it sounds, making my bed every morning, getting the edges as tight as I did in the military helps a lot. It's good to have a victory when you wake up, and start with a good breakfast. I would be happy to share some recipes that are quick and easy, and better than any restaurant not charging $10-15 a plate that cost less than $5.

Force yourself to wake up, put on some Cafe Du Monde coffee, jump into the shower and put on whatever music you need to get yourself up. Drink the coffee. Eat a stuffed poblano with a sunny side egg really easy to prepare ahead of time, very fulfilling) and take a walk, take a walk anywhere, just make sure it's not your usual walk, make sure it's not your usual gait, and make sure you aren't counting the lines in the cement.

I can't offer much, but these are the things that saved my life. I spent my years working days that bled into nights, getting black out drunk, and waking up at 3:00PM and doing it all again.

The hardest part of the day is waking up, and trust me I understand, when it's easier to go back to sleep to deal with your worst of nightmares, than deal with the easiest of days.

Hopefully that made sense.

 

[ShinkanPo]

Zero meds. I don't understand this logic. I'm a functioning member of society, my depression is all inward. I've been focused on my career for over a decade and I'm doing very well for my age. Granted it took a lot of work, but wouldn't you conservatives applaud this?



LOL I've never done meth or heroin, besides, cocaine> meth and sadly legal addies< all if you're into uppers.





I've been doing that a bit man, thanks. There's a great monastery in OKC I might spend a few days at.



Eh, a cam domme who is a good friend of mine and a bi girl I fool around with. 10/10 would do again tho. Did more Molly than I wanted to, but the bi girl had never fucked around with MDMA and I was worried about her so I did half hers on top of mine.





I don't medicate the proper way. Self medicate with marijuana, LSD, and alcohol though. Honestly LSD has done wonders for me. I always felt like it makes you face yourself, all the issues you bury down surface and if you sit in front of a screen and just write you will work out a lot. Panic attacks are the worst, you push away the people who you care about.. but the benefit is you learn about the people whom you should care about.. and who to care about.

I think your problem was that when confronted with a new job, you became infatuated with perceived happiness instead of reality. So basically (in my opinion) you thought the new job would take away all of your problems so when you hit a wall or the old feelings crept back you relapsed into those old thoughts. A healthy schedule is very important. I've started to get back into yoga and trying to schedule out every hour of my day to help. With this new job I'll be able to afford more than I've ever had before which will help. Nice car, nice suits, able to afford BJJ again, and I'll be able to actually go to therapy which I think will help alot.

Yeah I think you are correct with that part " you became infatuated with perceived happiness instead of reality " I am happy with the fact that I feel I am more of an important person its like It feels good to be needed the company hired me as sort of a trouble shooter they are losing employees due to bad management and they need some one who have good interpersonal skill and some one who is used to speaking to foreign people and has good experience in customer relations

Its that feeling that I am an accomplished and important person because of my Job and that I am part of a serious business but with all the stress and all the overtimes I have renedered it has taken to much time away from me to the point that my only outlet is drinking.

At first I only drink during weekends then I started eating fatty foods and started drinking mid week. I stopped working out I just go to the bar instead of the gym at the office.

The fatter I got the lazier I got and then boom Diabetes ,High blood pressure and Asthma, my boss told me to take a sick leave for a week after that my mental state got worst to the point I am even contemplating suicide all day to the point that I have to be prevented from leaving the house for fear that I might really do it,

Then one day I was rushed to the hospital for treatment.

I have been improving since then though.

 

[AgonyandIrony]

Only if you're mediocre. Then again, there are a boatload of things about being "normal" that is really good. Getting married and having kids are pretty much the greatest joys life can offer, and that really doesn't take a genius - only time and dedication. And some career sacrificing for the 5 first years or so of their life.


Well, of what kind is the life you always wanted?


I don't call observing reality "talking shit". You're a leftie and you're miserable. There are few leftists that aren't.

You talk about being a leftist and being miserable, but I know plenty of parents who are miserable as well. They got married and had children way too young. They tell me how envious they are, how they wish they could be like me, going home with a different girl every night and getting to do what I want.

I think we're all mediocre in the end. You'll never cook like me, even if you started now and I gave up this very instant. You'll never have my ability. That's not a brag, there are things you do I could never hope to. That would absolutely baffle me if I attempted them. That is our mediocrity. That is what we must accept.

I want to live as many lives as possible before I die. I want to see everything. Do everything. My greatest sorrow is that I won't see every part of this world. I've seen a bit mind you, and I yearn for the ocean every day, I want to do it all. I want to leave an impact on this world. It's just that food is the best way.

Have you ever seen my stand up? I feel like a lot of it is evident when you see my set. This is a set from my first ever ACTUAL show. Which was an incredible moment for me. I wasn't miserable then, but perhaps it's a problem. I live for singular moments instead of the broader existence? Watch this and let me know what you think please.


I don't feel that it's my leftist ideology that makes me miserable though. I read Hemingway and Shakespeare when I was probably 11 and I jokingly blame everything on that.

But...