UFC fighter Brendan Schaub: "I shut down your government" That's right, in an incredible turn of events, it turns out that legendary BJJ Phenom Brendan "Helio" Schaub has been discovered as the true source of the current ongoing U.S. Government shutdown. Above: Metamoris Grand Champion Brendan Schaub, addresses his new nation of slave minions. Unfortunately, not many more details are known at this time. When asked for comment, Schaub simply kept repeating, "I shut down your government. I shut down your government." Above: Brendan Schaub reacts to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's attempts to reach a resolution. There is no word yet on what will happen next, as it is widely agreed that even all of the jiujitsu forces in the world combined would not be enough to stand up to the mighty powers of Schaub's ground-breaking BJJ game. Democrats & Republicans alike, desperate for a solution, finally united & turned to Master Sensei Steven Seagal for help; but he has declined, admitting that even his deadly stuff is no match for the Mundials, ADCC, & Metamoris Grand Champion Brendan Schaub. "Unfortunately, Brendan Schuab's BJJ is the one thing I didn't invent." Asked for a comment on this story by CNN, The New York Times, & The Wall Street Journal, UFC President Dana White put together a special press conference, where he had this to say: "Fuck." Dana White: "All of Zuffa's bases are belong to Schaub." We will follow this story closely as it develops.