Anyone with any funny flatmate or horror share house stories

[pinger]

Just finished reading "He died with a Felafel in his Hand" which is a collection of short share-house stories written by John Birmingham. Pretty funny.

Given that most people in here either shared rooms in college, or in share houses, figured this might be a good idea for a thread.

So share the funniest, grossest stories of the social retards you have been forced to co-habit with.

About the only one I have is when I was in Sydney, sharing with 3 other people in a terrace. The Kiwi in the group lost his job as a used car salesman, and then basically gave up on life and spent all his time, sitting on the couch, playing computer games and smoking bongs. Made it difficult to do anything in the shared spaces as he was always there, doing nothing. It all came to a head when Michelle (one of the other flatmates) ducked home to go to the toilet (she was a retail sales rep (Coca Cola) always in her car visiting customers) so finding a clean toilet sometimes was difficult) and the Kiwi was mid-fwap on the couch when she burst through the door busting for a piss.

I guess he had some remaining self esteem and was gone within a few days back to NZ.

 

[SuperiorHands]

Real hittas don't say flatmate.

 

[Scerpi]

I had a roommate (long time ago), who worked at the jolly rancher factory.

I could always tell what flavor they were making that day

 

[Hogey]

So getting caught jacking off is embarrassing? News to me.

 

[Kardashians]

nothing funny but living with sloppy girls makes going for a shower a nightmare
they make such mess with hair in the sink, on the counter, all over floor, all over shower n the shampoo bottles, etc
doesnt help that im terrified of hair either so
i have to be prepared to clean bathroom before showering
makes me wanna cry ):
long black hairs everywhere i feel like im in the grudge n cant cope

 

[pinger]

So getting caught jacking off is embarrassing? News to me.

He was keen on Michelle and thought no one knew.

My guess is that the view of his pasty white naked body, hand furiously pumping his mini dick with anal porn blaring away on the TV may not have enamoured him to the object (one of anyway) of his lust.

 

[Lights Out 101]

A couple of years ago I used to live in a house with my cousin, his girlfriend, their baby, a 19 year old bipolar mother with her baby, and my girlfriend. Not many "funny" stories as it was basically hell living there, which caused a major falling out with my cousin because of it.

When I first moved in it was just me, my cousin and his girlfriend and everything was all sweet. His girlfriend always seemed like a snobby bitch to me but I never thought twice about it. After they had their kid they turned in to total assholes. Always thought they were better than everyone, made obnoxious and pretentious remarks all the time. They always left dishes on the kitchen counter with mouldy food on it days at a time. I was cleaning everyday and mopping the house, even after a long day of work I would clean, yet they had the nerve to call me messy and that I don't clean enough, it actually perplexed me that they would have the nerve to say that. They also stole my food, broke some of my things which they denied, my cousin also put a stack of dirty tyres in MY living room and not his own.

The incident that pushed me over the edge was when my cousin threw my bottle of wine in my bedroom because he didn't want it on the kitchen counter, keep in mind the kitchen counter was filled nothing but his tools from work, which is an odd fucking place to keep your work tools.

The bipolar mother was an absolute cunt to her newborn baby. Always swearing at him and calling him a piece of shit and every name under the sun. I always thought my cousins gf should say something to her since they were "best friends", but she never did. They did like to bitch about her behind her back and play nice when they talked to her though.

When I finally decided to move out with my gf, they made a Facebook post about how we are dirty cunts because there was mould on the wall in our bedroom. The mould was caused by a leaky pipe in the wall because THEIR ensuite bathroom is directly adjacent our bedroom. The plumber told them that, my cousins dad told them that, everyone told them that. Yet they still made the Facebook post. They also kept my bond money and never gave it back.

Cliffs;
- I used to live with the worst housemates in the world and now I have my own place. Life has never been better.

 

[Goonerview]

too many to tell.

Now live on my own

 

[odog]

My friend Jim used to share a house with 3 other guys. There were two bathrooms in the house, one upstairs, one downstairs. While everyone used the toilet downstairs sometimes, only one guy used the downstairs shower. So Jim goes to use the downstairs bathroom one day and sees on the edge of the bathtub a giant buttplug.

Not a small one. Not a novelty item. But a humongous "oh my fucking god how the fuck does that even exist" size butt plug. So he grabbed some tongs and placed the offending item under the communal chat board with a note saying "who the fuck brought this into our house?"

While the culprit seemed obvious, the mystery was never truly solved. Jim moved out shortly afterwards but has nighmares to this day (presumably, based on the the intensity with which he told me this story.)

 

[pinger]

Remember another one a cricket mate told me.

He was in a share house in London when he first left university and was a real party house. He used to wake up in the night and the toilet was upstairs so rather than getting out of bed like a normal person he used to piss in a bottle.

As behaviour in the house degenerated over time, this habit morphed to an even lazier level, where he just used to roll over and piss over the edge of his mattress onto the floor.

I never asked whether it was carpet or floorboards, which seems to be an issue to me. Boards you could at least mop in the morning. Not that he probably would have.

 

[facePuncher7]

Ive had a lot of horrible housemates in the past (guys, dont ever live with females).

This indian girl i used to live with was a compulsive lier. Toward the end of my time there it became apparent to me that she was fabricating bills.. As in, id give her the money for a bill, then a month later she'd present me withthe same account which was now bigger because she hadent payed it.

Upon telling her i was leaving she imediately began on a rant about how much money i owed her and how i had to keep paying for the next 3 months even if they find someone else. Nonsense stuff.

I left unannounced one day soon after while she was at work, i took the day off and moved everything at once.

She went ballistic, called the police and told them I'd stolen her jewellery, called my work (dont know how she got the number) and caused trouble asking to speak to me etc.

The final thing she did was call my father, whose number i think she got from the emergency contact on my rental application.
The was the last i heard from her.
My father is a very intimidating man, he wouldnt tell me what transpired but reassured me "she wont be an issue anymore".

Anyway thats one story.

Edit: forgot to mention, she used to leave blood on the toilet seat all the time and never cleaned anything

 

[Lights Out 101]

Ive had a lot of horrible housemates in the past (guys, dont ever live with females).

This indian girl i used to live with was a compulsive lier. Toward the end of my time there it became apparent to me that she was fabricating bills.. As in, id give her the money for a bill, then a month later she'd present me withthe same account which was now bigger because she hadent payed it.

Upon telling her i was leaving she imediately began on a rant about how much money i owed her and how i had to keep paying for the next 3 months even if they find someone else. Nonsense stuff.

I left unannounced one day soon after while she was at work, i took the day off and moved everything at once.

She went ballistic, called the police and told them I'd stolen her jewellery, called my work (dont know how she got the number) and caused trouble asking to speak to me etc.

The final thing she did was call my father, whose number i think she got from the emergency contact on my rental application.
The was the last i heard from her.
My father is a very intimidating man, he wouldnt tell me what transpired but reassured me "she wont be an issue anymore".

Anyway thats one story.

Edit: forgot to mention, she used to leave blood on the toilet seat all the time and never cleaned anything

Yeesh. That sounds horrid.

 

[AgentSmecker]

Caught a flatmate/"friend" stealing cash from me. Even worse than that I discovered he had been wearing some of my clothes including my underpants. Frogmarched him to the nearest cash machine and made him withdraw everything he had, needless to say I also kicked him out but let him keep my pants as a little going away gift.

 

[DaDamn]

After finding change in the dryer I went to my roommates and told them we should have a rule about keeping change that we find in the washer/dryer. After they agreed I then pulled out five 20’s and said “great, I just found change for 100!”

 

[Slobodan]

Caught a flatmate/"friend" stealing cash from me. Even worse than that I discovered he had been wearing some of my clothes including my underpants. Frogmarched him to the nearest cash machine and made him withdraw everything he had, needless to say I also kicked him out but let him keep my pants as a little going away gift.

I would have kicked his ass right then and there, wtf man!