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GNN BREAKING NEWS: Cubo de Sangre Team Hires Controversial Campaign Consultant Russler
GNN has learned that the @Cubo de Sangre campaign has hired controversial campaign consultant James Russler.
A seasoned grifter, Russler has multiple convictions for Unauthorized Practice of Law (UPL) after repeatedly holding himself out as a licensed attorney in his previous political dealings. In reality, the Russian-born Russler (also known as or having reportedly gone by the names Igor Incel, Sergei Schittferbranes, Larry Limpdik, and Ned Schneebly) is not a licensed attorney and has not been gainfully employed since being discharged from conservative news outlet WhitesOnly.com in 2014 for having "lacked the romantic courage to meet the company's internal sexual harassment quota." Although lacking in remote political talent, Russler has made a name for himself with his sheer shamelessness and willingness to smear political opponents with false information.
Having reviewed Russler's latest smear against political rival @luckyshot, GNN has confirmed that the allegations contained therein are all false, with the exception that Russler was correct in his claim that Vice Presidential candidate @Fawlty is in fact a Brony.
News of the hiring comes at a tumultuous time in de Sangre's campaign, less than a week after GNN broke news that a sex tape depicting de Sangre and his campaign manager Lord Coke engaged in lewd and visibly smelly sexual acts had been circulating across local pee pee fetish websites. The Breaking News report of this tape can be found included below.
Only time with tell if Russler's bold campaign strategy will assist the ticket in reforming its public image.
GNN has learned that the @Cubo de Sangre campaign has hired controversial campaign consultant James Russler.
A seasoned grifter, Russler has multiple convictions for Unauthorized Practice of Law (UPL) after repeatedly holding himself out as a licensed attorney in his previous political dealings. In reality, the Russian-born Russler (also known as or having reportedly gone by the names Igor Incel, Sergei Schittferbranes, Larry Limpdik, and Ned Schneebly) is not a licensed attorney and has not been gainfully employed since being discharged from conservative news outlet WhitesOnly.com in 2014 for having "lacked the romantic courage to meet the company's internal sexual harassment quota." Although lacking in remote political talent, Russler has made a name for himself with his sheer shamelessness and willingness to smear political opponents with false information.
Having reviewed Russler's latest smear against political rival @luckyshot, GNN has confirmed that the allegations contained therein are all false, with the exception that Russler was correct in his claim that Vice Presidential candidate @Fawlty is in fact a Brony.
News of the hiring comes at a tumultuous time in de Sangre's campaign, less than a week after GNN broke news that a sex tape depicting de Sangre and his campaign manager Lord Coke engaged in lewd and visibly smelly sexual acts had been circulating across local pee pee fetish websites. The Breaking News report of this tape can be found included below.
Only time with tell if Russler's bold campaign strategy will assist the ticket in reforming its public image.
GNN BREAKING NEWS: INTRA-TICKET SEX SCANDAL ROCKS POLL-LEADING CUBO DE SANGRE/GUTTER CHRIS TICKET!
In an unprecedented scandal, the President of the War Room race has been rocked by revelations of nepotism and buggery in the @Cubo de Sangre ticket. Late Friday night, GNN received tips that an explicit sex tape picturing Cubo de Sangre and his campaign manager @Lord Coke engaged in lewd and inexplicably moist acts had been posted to a local fetish website.
While speculation had been afoot for weeks that the presidential hopeful and his conspicuously close manager had been dipping their pens in campaign ink and campaigner stink, such rumors were unsubstantiated until the raunchy videos made their way through local precincts.
In an even more shocking turn of events, the 76-minute video showed that, while rumors of ass play were well-founded, the direction of the injection was inaccurate. As it turns out, it was Lord Coke putting his Lord Cock into his running mate's presidential cabinet. A silver lining to his unprecedented scandal is that worries about Cubo's resilience have been put to rest, as he was shown enduring a near-hour-long butt beating the likes of which have never been seen before.
The current frontrunners were unavailable for comment, but de Sangre's wife spoke briefly with GNN's @Gandhi, saying she was "not surprised" and that she and de Sangre's marriage had only been improved and spiced up by addition of Lord Coke into the mix.
