This is it - Starting Life Over

This is my go to song when I feel like giving up...

 
Hamm said:
When I was a much younger person the Mayberry was always there for me, as I was lonely, essentially a typical basement dweller. I got involved in Sherdog and started training BJJ, and found the more I got into that, got out of the house, got fit, got confident the less I needed Sherdog. The less I posted in the Mayberry. Well I got involved with a woman who just tore me down in a lot of ways and my mental illness, depression, anxiety, anti-social disorder, came raging back. I quit training to focus on her, she became the most important thing in the world to me. And well, you guys mostly know how that worked out.

Well, she finally left me as I posted not long ago. It took a while to get that situation sorted out. Her brother came and got all her shit. The divorce is uncontested. There was a pretty clear line between what was hers and mine, I gave her any of the little things she wanted. Papers are signed and in the courts hands now. She tried to come back 2 weeks after leaving. I told her to piss off, she is back in town now living with her brother, I guess her parents could not handle her.

I am sitting in my truck right now. Everything I own in the world is packed under the tano cover. My dog is on the seat next to me. It is overcast, and looks like it might start raining soon. I have an old friend, and by that I mean a friend who is an old man. He was a drifter most of his life. Has lived everywhere in the country. He rode his bike from Wisconsin to Homestead, Florida one winter. He told me when he turned 18 and finally left home he kept a coin in the ashtray of his truck and whenever the mood hit him he flipped it. If he was travelling south, then heads was east and tails was west and he would just change direction. There is a quarter set on the dash in front of me. It is a 1981 quarter that I kept in my watch box for a few years, because I was born in 1981.

I sold a lot of stuff. I had a $4,000 bike that I got $800 bucks for and a bunch of other stuff that I just firesold on Facebook. My wife and I split the savings account. I have $13,000 in a check box under my truck seat. I have a Remington 870 that my grandpa gave me and a box of 00 buckshot behind the seat, I am not supposed to have it. But I do. I am listening to the Jason Isbell album Southeastern and typing this post on my laptop. I am still connected to the wifi inside the house from the driveway. When I leave my ex wife will be moving back in.

I made a lot of fucking mistakes in my day, and I wonder if I can leave them behind. The hardest thing I ever did in my life was to tell that piece of shit woman that I did not want to be with her anymore. I told her to stay the fuck out of my life. Then I bawled like a fucking baby for an hour and hated myself. For (1) letting her go and (2) for being such a cuck that I cried for ditching her. My dog is whimpering and pawing at the door, he wants to go back inside, or in the back yard to play with his brother. Her dog. The one that aint coming with us.

I loaded the shotgun this morning and sat on the toilet with it between my knees for a few minutes. I knew the whole time that I was not going to pull the trigger. But I wanted to feel like I could. Like right there in that moment was the proof that I had control over something.

I am not a stupid guy. I guess that depends on how you define stupid. I have a Master's Degree in Urban Planning I finished it just before going away. But I have done a lot of stupid shit, so maybe I am. I have not been able to use it for anything, though. I am off parole, have been for a while, so if anyone was wondering that is not an issue.

Anyway my street connects to a highway that runs north for about a hundred miles to a major interstate. And south a little farther to another. When I hit the stop sign I am going to flip the coin. I could probably live off that 13 grand for quite a while.

Maybe I should use some of it to buy a camper for my truck? I dont think I really want to be a drifter though, I have always wanted to have roots.

I dont really have family, a sister in Arizona somewhere with 3 kids and a meth addiction. Parents are still alive, but they wouldnt roll out any welcome mat for me, so I am not running toward them.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Advice appreciated, as always.
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Hey man, listen up:
You've been through a lot of shit and there's a lot of pain attached to that. I get it. But you're in a position better than most. This woman didn't financially ruin you. You have your education done. You have a truck, and a loyal doggo and a stack of cash. You can go anywhere, and do anything you want right now. You're in the most ideal position possible to emotionally move on from all of that. Go wherever your heart desires. Make some memories. Have some wild adventures. When you're ready, pick any city you've always wanted to live in, get a place, and start your professional career. Fresh start, fresh city, fresh opportunities and a whole lot of fun. Enjoy!
 
Grassshoppa said:
Drive to Alaska, build your own small cabin in the woods by a lake, fish/hunt, live in peace?

Everything you need to know about how to live in the wilds of Alaska can be learned from The Last Alaskans and Life Below Zero. I think Andy Bassich from Life Below Zero takes on apprentices. He lives on the Yukon River near Eagle, Alaska.

There's another show called Edge of Alaska set in McCarthy, Alaska which looks like a cool place to live. I believe they're constructing a big tourist hotel there. Drive there, work at the hotel, build yourself a cabin in the woods, live in peace.

Good luck and keep posting.
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Alone in the wilderness is the goat Alaska living off the land documentary
 
While to you it may seem like your life has fallen apart, I think this is actually a great opportunity for you. Clearly that woman was not healthy for you, and this is a chance for you to redefine your life on your terms rather than hers.

Use this time to seriously reflect on yourself and what you want in life. Is there something you were too scared to do but always wanted to, or a dream you thought was dumb and never pursued it.

A bad relationship is extremely powerful. It has the power to literally kill the soul of a person, and you did the most difficult and courageous part in severing it from your life. Now is the time to reevaluate yourself and what you want from your life independent from anyone else.

5 years ago I did something corny where I was watching how I met your mother and in one episode marshal found a letter he wrote to himself in the future, and during a rather depressing (and drunk) moment of my life I did the same thing and dated it to read 5 years in the future.

That 5 years comes up next year for me and realized I haven't done what I set out to do in that letter. Now I'm in a situation where I can and I plan on doing that in the next year as hard as I can to meet that goal. And if I fail, I'll write another and keep pushing. Failure isn't even what I'm afraid of, it's finding out what I want to do isn't obtainable and losing the comfort of the dream, and that's no way to live. You just end up living in fantasy land.

That's what I recommend bc it focuses on rebuilding you, and imo that's what you need. You need to find value in yourself and be able to shake off the pessimism and negativity of the world. It all sounds corny I know, but I find a lot of truth in this.

So good luck man, you'll find a way to a good place eventually. Just keep the faith in yourself.
 
You may not see it now, but you have some great opportunities in front of you. That house, those possessions, are tied to her, so good thing they're gone. You have YOU again, that's the best gift...trust me. Go have some fun...go live in Thailand for 6 months, live like a king...it actually doesn't matter where, just a new scene, new possibilities. Oh, put that cash in the bank, and put the gun away.
 
Get on your truck and come down to Mexico, great food, great people, sexy señoritas, and your US$13k will go a long way here. Mexican chicks will love you, they like gringos.

Leave that shotgun somewhere though, you can't bring any guns or ammo into MX.

Good times.
 
Head west, to the beaches. Try to train under Eddie Bravo. Got nothing to lose.
 
I don't know why it's necessary to move across the country for you to start over. You have some savings. Stay where you can while you get a job. Then move into your own place and rebuild. Don't kill yourself and leave your dog to fend for himself. That's fucked up.
 
Grassshoppa said:
Okay, so if you don't like the winters of Alaska then San Diego is a good place. Averages about 72 with a breeze all year. Plenty of places where you can literally pull over right next to the beach and you can sleep in your camper.
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Is that a real thing?
 
Der Eisbar said:
Hey man, listen up:
You've been through a lot of shit and there's a lot of pain attached to that. I get it. But you're in a position better than most. This woman didn't financially ruin you. You have your education done. You have a truck, and a loyal doggo and a stack of cash. You can go anywhere, and do anything you want right now. You're in the most ideal position possible to emotionally move on from all of that. Go wherever your heart desires. Make some memories. Have some wild adventures. When you're ready, pick any city you've always wanted to live in, get a place, and start your professional career. Fresh start, fresh city, fresh opportunities and a whole lot of fun. Enjoy!
Click to expand...

latest

We don't get many chances in life to wipe the slate clean. You can either dwell on the bullshit - which will be very tempting - or you can get charged up by the freedom and possibilities. If you do that latter, you will forget what she looks like sooner than you think.
 
Jack Reacheround said:
I don't know why it's necessary to move across the country for you to start over. You have some savings. Stay where you can while you get a job. Then move into your own place and rebuild. Don't kill yourself and leave your dog to fend for himself. That's fucked up.
Click to expand...

When there are too many bad memories attached to a place, it can be hard to move on. When I split with my wife, everywhere I went reminded me of her. Not to mention bumping into people asking where she was, how we were doing etc.

Like a fresh cut every time I left the house. I couldn't even begin to think straight until I just packed all my shit and moved as far away as I could. I think a road trip and some quiet time for reflection can be a good thing.
 
This is a huge problem. Why is it that every time a man kills their self, or is severely depressed, you can always trace the reason back to a women? It's because guy's depend too much on women to fill their desires and happiness. Us men need to socially condition ourselves to not rely on this.
 
Vagabonding around the country sounds awesome honestly. If I weren't married that's exactly what i'd be doing. Let the wind take you wherever and get in some adventures.
 
follow icp around and go to the gathering of the clowns in whatever state they are in
 
Wow reading this made me feel a lot better about my current situation and so happy I never married the stupid bitch I was with.

I hope you find your way on your new chapter in life. Sorry that happened .
 
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