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- Mar 14, 2007
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While I have occasionally heard tales of people publicly stopping a crime from taking place, I never thought I'd end up the hero of one of those stories. How wrong I was.
On my way out of the grocery store this afternoon, I heard two carts crash together. Not so crazy when one considers the setting of this story, yet still I was compelled to glance over, and did so just in time to see an old lady push her cart out of her way, then grab another old lady's cart and start yanking on it. (Now, when I say old ladies, I'm talking in their late 70s at my most generous guess; spiderwebs of wrinkles lined their faces, rheumatoid eyes glared out from hollowed, cavernous eye pits, clawed hands networked with blue veins clung to the grocery cart, hair like wire with colors not naturally occurring in our world stood wildly on end, the works.)
Being as I moonlight as something of a detective, I quickly pieced together that the first old lady was taking up the entire bagging area of the checkout, and the second old lady who had grabbed first old lady's cart was NOT HAVING IT. So when Grabby Granny's cart-pulling proved ineffective in creating space for both of them, she decided to employ an old judo tactic ("JU-DO ONE-OH-ONE !!!" to quote our dearly departed Mike Goldberg), used her opponent's force against her, and instead DROVE the cart into the first granny's midsection.
Well, Granny One was a tough old broad from way back (like.. WAY back. Probably learned directly from Kanō Jigorō) and no-sold the attack, then returned the favour by pushing the cart back into Grabby Granny's hip. Grabby Granny then yelled, "BE A HUMAN !!" a dis I'm pretty sure she stole from Blade Runner. But I digress.
Naturally, my first instinct was to get out my camera and yell "OH SHIT !!! WORLDSTAR !!! WORLDSTARRRRR !!!" but for once in my life the better part of my nature took over, and I instead walked over, put my hand on the cart, and said in a low voice, "Ladies, please, a little decorum." (Now, for the record this is not something I would normally say, and if pressed I don't think I could think of another time I've used the word "decorum". In fact, I had no idea at the time what the actual definition of decorum was, but upon getting home and checking an online dictionary, I'm happy to report that it was the perfect word to recommend to a couple old broads hitting each other with shopping carts. Again, I digress. My apologies.)
Naturally, they both turned their Old Lady Rage on me, as one said, "Excuse YOU !!" and the other, "MIND your own BUSINESS !!" with the same indignity and fury as they would have if I'd come over and copped a cheap feel on their leathery tits while lifting their wallets out of their purses. "RUDE !" Grabby Granny says to Granny One, meaning ME, and Granny One nods ascent, as they begin packing their groceries, side by side, united by their dislike of me.
Now, I know hero is a strong word, but as I walked out to my car, the sun shining brightly on me, I considered how I'd sacrificed myself to save two old ladies from hospitalizing each other with shopping carts, and I knew in my heart it was the right word. Christlike, even.. ? Well. Better to be the modest gentleman I am, and settle for hero.
On my way out of the grocery store this afternoon, I heard two carts crash together. Not so crazy when one considers the setting of this story, yet still I was compelled to glance over, and did so just in time to see an old lady push her cart out of her way, then grab another old lady's cart and start yanking on it. (Now, when I say old ladies, I'm talking in their late 70s at my most generous guess; spiderwebs of wrinkles lined their faces, rheumatoid eyes glared out from hollowed, cavernous eye pits, clawed hands networked with blue veins clung to the grocery cart, hair like wire with colors not naturally occurring in our world stood wildly on end, the works.)
Being as I moonlight as something of a detective, I quickly pieced together that the first old lady was taking up the entire bagging area of the checkout, and the second old lady who had grabbed first old lady's cart was NOT HAVING IT. So when Grabby Granny's cart-pulling proved ineffective in creating space for both of them, she decided to employ an old judo tactic ("JU-DO ONE-OH-ONE !!!" to quote our dearly departed Mike Goldberg), used her opponent's force against her, and instead DROVE the cart into the first granny's midsection.
Well, Granny One was a tough old broad from way back (like.. WAY back. Probably learned directly from Kanō Jigorō) and no-sold the attack, then returned the favour by pushing the cart back into Grabby Granny's hip. Grabby Granny then yelled, "BE A HUMAN !!" a dis I'm pretty sure she stole from Blade Runner. But I digress.
Naturally, my first instinct was to get out my camera and yell "OH SHIT !!! WORLDSTAR !!! WORLDSTARRRRR !!!" but for once in my life the better part of my nature took over, and I instead walked over, put my hand on the cart, and said in a low voice, "Ladies, please, a little decorum." (Now, for the record this is not something I would normally say, and if pressed I don't think I could think of another time I've used the word "decorum". In fact, I had no idea at the time what the actual definition of decorum was, but upon getting home and checking an online dictionary, I'm happy to report that it was the perfect word to recommend to a couple old broads hitting each other with shopping carts. Again, I digress. My apologies.)
Naturally, they both turned their Old Lady Rage on me, as one said, "Excuse YOU !!" and the other, "MIND your own BUSINESS !!" with the same indignity and fury as they would have if I'd come over and copped a cheap feel on their leathery tits while lifting their wallets out of their purses. "RUDE !" Grabby Granny says to Granny One, meaning ME, and Granny One nods ascent, as they begin packing their groceries, side by side, united by their dislike of me.
Now, I know hero is a strong word, but as I walked out to my car, the sun shining brightly on me, I considered how I'd sacrificed myself to save two old ladies from hospitalizing each other with shopping carts, and I knew in my heart it was the right word. Christlike, even.. ? Well. Better to be the modest gentleman I am, and settle for hero.
