Relationship Drama: Just had fight with GF, what do I do? Update Post 185

[Kirin]

Cliffs:

Update (Warning, Long post):

After calling and apologizing, we get together on Saturday. It starts well, we have always enjoyed each other's company, and we spent the day running errands, but having a good time. However, it all started to unravel when I purchased her a piece of flan (the cake).

I buy the flan and put it in the back of the car. I guess I didn't put the bag down properly, and the syrup from the flan leaks out of the box and onto the container. She starts going off on me, and says that I should be more observant. I let it go and laugh it off.

We go back to my place where she immediately starts to complain about me not putting away my dishes. Keep in mind that we don't live together. Once again, I laugh it off and try to make a joke about being a man child. Admittedly, I should have probably been contrite, but I genuinely didn't think it was a big deal. She starts getting moody and says that she can't see herself living with someone who needs to be constantly reminded to do small domestic duties. She calms down, and we start dinner.

While I'm not going to go into ever detail, over the duration of a 30 minute meal, she told me what I could and couldn't eat, how to position a fork in my plate, and complained about the way I took the cover off of the salad (there is apparently a right and wrong way). In all fairness to her, I suppose I should know these things, but I felt like I was being nagged to death. She even went so far as ordering me to get a piece of paper and write down the cleaning supplies I needed. I still bite my tongue and concede that I am not a particularly functional adult.

Later in the evening, I go to make a move and she says she isn't in the mood because of my man-child behavior. I actually didn't mind and don't presume that my partner will always be in the mood, so we are just sort of lying down on the couch together. She changes her mind 30min later and we start to fool around. As we are kissing, she notices that I still have gum in my mouth and she freaks out. She literally starts yelling at me and tells me to go spit it out and brush my teeth (keep in mind that I am 32 years old and work as a university professor, yet I am being ordered around like a child).

At this point, I have concluded that I can't live like this. I am genuinely starting to dislike her, and I would rather part on good terms while there is still mutual respect and love. I tell her that I am worried I don't think I can change fast enough to meet her expectations of what a partner should be, and that I don't think we are compatible. She starts crying and begging forgiveness, and promises to change.

The thing is, I don't think she should have to change - her expectations of what a man should be are not unrealistic and I genuinely just fall short. I love her and treat her well, but I know we will end up hating one another because we fundamentally value different things in a relationship. For me, it isn't a big deal to have dirty dishes in the sink, but for her it is. I would have hoped she would be more understanding given that I am good at the grand gestures of love - I surprise her gifts, hold open the car door, plan romantic get-aways etc. But life is more than just grand gestures, it is mostly the small day to day stuff.

I feel awful in the sense she is devastated. She told me that she feels like was her last chance at finding love and having a family, and we really do have an amazing time together 99% of the time. However, I also feel a tremendous sense of relief - I was being controlled (from the way I ate/dressed, all the way to the point of telling me to stop bodybuilding). I would rather be an eccentric solitary scientist than be in a relationship where I lost my sense of identity.

Many thanks for the advice everyone. I will try and be less emo in the future.

Are you fucking serious? No wonder this girl was treating you like that. Every time she would shit on you, you just took it then apologized. What the hell is wrong with you?

 

[Halifax]

Cliffs:

Update (Warning, Long post):

After calling and apologizing, we get together on Saturday. It starts well, we have always enjoyed each other's company, and we spent the day running errands, but having a good time. However, it all started to unravel when I purchased her a piece of flan (the cake).

I buy the flan and put it in the back of the car. I guess I didn't put the bag down properly, and the syrup from the flan leaks out of the box and onto the container. She starts going off on me, and says that I should be more observant. I let it go and laugh it off.

We go back to my place where she immediately starts to complain about me not putting away my dishes. Keep in mind that we don't live together. Once again, I laugh it off and try to make a joke about being a man child. Admittedly, I should have probably been contrite, but I genuinely didn't think it was a big deal. She starts getting moody and says that she can't see herself living with someone who needs to be constantly reminded to do small domestic duties. She calms down, and we start dinner.

While I'm not going to go into ever detail, over the duration of a 30 minute meal, she told me what I could and couldn't eat, how to position a fork in my plate, and complained about the way I took the cover off of the salad (there is apparently a right and wrong way). In all fairness to her, I suppose I should know these things, but I felt like I was being nagged to death. She even went so far as ordering me to get a piece of paper and write down the cleaning supplies I needed. I still bite my tongue and concede that I am not a particularly functional adult.

Later in the evening, I go to make a move and she says she isn't in the mood because of my man-child behavior. I actually didn't mind and don't presume that my partner will always be in the mood, so we are just sort of lying down on the couch together. She changes her mind 30min later and we start to fool around. As we are kissing, she notices that I still have gum in my mouth and she freaks out. She literally starts yelling at me and tells me to go spit it out and brush my teeth (keep in mind that I am 32 years old and work as a university professor, yet I am being ordered around like a child).

At this point, I have concluded that I can't live like this. I am genuinely starting to dislike her, and I would rather part on good terms while there is still mutual respect and love. I tell her that I am worried I don't think I can change fast enough to meet her expectations of what a partner should be, and that I don't think we are compatible. She starts crying and begging forgiveness, and promises to change.

The thing is, I don't think she should have to change - her expectations of what a man should be are not unrealistic and I genuinely just fall short. I love her and treat her well, but I know we will end up hating one another because we fundamentally value different things in a relationship. For me, it isn't a big deal to have dirty dishes in the sink, but for her it is. I would have hoped she would be more understanding given that I am good at the grand gestures of love - I surprise her gifts, hold open the car door, plan romantic get-aways etc. But life is more than just grand gestures, it is mostly the small day to day stuff.

I feel awful in the sense she is devastated. She told me that she feels like was her last chance at finding love and having a family, and we really do have an amazing time together 99% of the time. However, I also feel a tremendous sense of relief - I was being controlled (from the way I ate/dressed, all the way to the point of telling me to stop bodybuilding). I would rather be an eccentric solitary scientist than be in a relationship where I lost my sense of identity.

Many thanks for the advice everyone. I will try and be less emo in the future.

Been there. The sense of relief is a dead on sign you did the right thing.

Either person forcing the other to change is going to make one resentful and these little passive aggressive digs(or by the sounds of it, her making a mountain out of a molehill dramatically) were all neon flashing warning signs.

Getting out as soon as you can is the best thing you can do. I tried prolonging it hoping things would get better(because like you, much of the time was good), but they really only get worse. As it is, i gave a lot of my best years(Age 26-30) trying to constantly placate her and putting up with passive aggressive digs and moody abuse.

In the end, 2 years later (A lot more stories in those two years than the previous 4), I ended up with my now Fiancee, have 2 kids and a house. In 5+ years together we have never had a fight yet and we get along about everything and still have a healthy sex life.

 

[blaseblah]

Are you fucking serious? No wonder this girl was treating you like that. Every time she would shit on you, you just took it then apologized. What the hell is wrong with you?

I do wonder how this type of woman would be in a relationship with a guy who doesn't take her shit. TS isn't that guy though.

 

[freaky]

Cliffs:

Update (Warning, Long post):

After calling and apologizing, we get together on Saturday. It starts well, we have always enjoyed each other's company, and we spent the day running errands, but having a good time. However, it all started to unravel when I purchased her a piece of flan (the cake).

I buy the flan and put it in the back of the car. I guess I didn't put the bag down properly, and the syrup from the flan leaks out of the box and onto the container. She starts going off on me, and says that I should be more observant. I let it go and laugh it off.

We go back to my place where she immediately starts to complain about me not putting away my dishes. Keep in mind that we don't live together. Once again, I laugh it off and try to make a joke about being a man child. Admittedly, I should have probably been contrite, but I genuinely didn't think it was a big deal. She starts getting moody and says that she can't see herself living with someone who needs to be constantly reminded to do small domestic duties. She calms down, and we start dinner.

While I'm not going to go into ever detail, over the duration of a 30 minute meal, she told me what I could and couldn't eat, how to position a fork in my plate, and complained about the way I took the cover off of the salad (there is apparently a right and wrong way). In all fairness to her, I suppose I should know these things, but I felt like I was being nagged to death. She even went so far as ordering me to get a piece of paper and write down the cleaning supplies I needed. I still bite my tongue and concede that I am not a particularly functional adult.

Later in the evening, I go to make a move and she says she isn't in the mood because of my man-child behavior. I actually didn't mind and don't presume that my partner will always be in the mood, so we are just sort of lying down on the couch together. She changes her mind 30min later and we start to fool around. As we are kissing, she notices that I still have gum in my mouth and she freaks out. She literally starts yelling at me and tells me to go spit it out and brush my teeth (keep in mind that I am 32 years old and work as a university professor, yet I am being ordered around like a child).

At this point, I have concluded that I can't live like this. I am genuinely starting to dislike her, and I would rather part on good terms while there is still mutual respect and love. I tell her that I am worried I don't think I can change fast enough to meet her expectations of what a partner should be, and that I don't think we are compatible. She starts crying and begging forgiveness, and promises to change.

The thing is, I don't think she should have to change - her expectations of what a man should be are not unrealistic and I genuinely just fall short. I love her and treat her well, but I know we will end up hating one another because we fundamentally value different things in a relationship. For me, it isn't a big deal to have dirty dishes in the sink, but for her it is. I would have hoped she would be more understanding given that I am good at the grand gestures of love - I surprise her gifts, hold open the car door, plan romantic get-aways etc. But life is more than just grand gestures, it is mostly the small day to day stuff.

I feel awful in the sense she is devastated. She told me that she feels like was her last chance at finding love and having a family, and we really do have an amazing time together 99% of the time. However, I also feel a tremendous sense of relief - I was being controlled (from the way I ate/dressed, all the way to the point of telling me to stop bodybuilding). I would rather be an eccentric solitary scientist than be in a relationship where I lost my sense of identity.

Many thanks for the advice everyone. I will try and be less emo in the future.

Is she your first GF? Dude, this is how all girls are. At first, they try to be perfect. But as soon as they feel comfortable, they show their true colors. They will start to micro manage you, change you into their perfect image of a man. Don't let them dictate you. They don't know what they want. In truth, they want an alpha male.

You need to take charge of the situation right away. The cake for example, "Do you want to hold it next time?" Or "why don't you hold it?"

The dishes, "It's cool, I'll wash it later" DO NOT lower yourself to satisfy her. If you feel ballsy, you can say "Yea...I need a wife to clean the dishes for" *wink wink*

I mean, you can do what you're doing by lowering yourself to satisfy her every needs wants. but you're just cucking yourself and one day she will find a real alpha male and cheat on you. She sounds like a nutcase. you have 2 option imo.

1) dump her bitch ass and find someone new
2) turn into a real man and show her what's up. - Seriously, you are the man and you need to take charge of the relationship. You can tell that she just wants to control you. These are all small problems and she blown it out of proportion. She is fighting for the alpha role. Notice how she calmed down after accidentally saying she don't think she can live with someone like you and how she cried and begged for your forgiveness after you threaten to dump her bitch ass. All girls are emotion creatures who don't know what they want. They always say they want a gentleman but in reality they want a bad boy. They love your messiness but they try to turn you into a good boy. Just be yourself, and if she can't handle it, then she is not for you.

Mind expanding the part where she said "this is my last chance at finding true love". Sounds like this happened multiple times in the past. You have to either tame her or let her go. I know because all girls are like this. I been with a few and they're always like this. The moment you give in to their wants and spoil them is the moment you're cucked and beta in the relationship.

I do wonder how this type of woman would be in a relationship with a guy who doesn't take her shit. TS isn't that guy though.

Read the above. I seen many of these chicks. You have to tame them. You have to be smart in how you do it also. If you fight fire with fire, it will backfire. They need/want a real alpha male who can tame them. I once had a girl who admitted that to me and said I was the only one who was able to tame her.

It depends on who needs who more. You know the "I'll break up with you" threat? It only works if they want you more. If they call your bluff, then you lost. And if they're able to call your bluff, you're best to actually break up. If you go back in and apologize, you'd be cucked and I rather be single than be someone's bitch.