I have been dealing with depression for the past few years. It started out when I got sick. A bad cold, or influenza bouts would bring it on. Then, oddly enough, midnight shift would bring it on. Then I realized that it came on at night, regardless of whether I was working. Really cold weather and winter are also my triggers.
The last two years, it has been pretty bad. Never suicidal, since that is the topic in the op. Medicated and therapy have helped a little, but now we are examining that it is likely bi-polar type two, which is predominantly depression. When it lifts, I am energetic as hell, and like that just before a bout comes on. I can tell you that it sucks. It is also a physical pain. And dealing with a bunch of blown discs in my back, it is also possible that dealing with the pain for years brought this on. The worst part is that my kids see me like that. I sleep all the time and it affects my work(as in, I burn through leave like crazy). None of the guys at work(save the chief) are aware of this, and they just talk shit behind your back not knowing why you take leave, or can’t seem to come to work. Things really took a turn for the worse when 2016, we suffered the death of my father in law, my dog, and had two miscarriages. I never seemed to recover from that, despite having a wonderful three month old right now.
Another horrible aspect is that even when you are not in a bout of depression, all you think about is “when will it come back” which causes anxiety. My beautiful wife is a saint for dealing with me when I am in a bout, and she tries to get my ass of me the couch.
I will say that anyone that is dealing with this, physical activity, no matter how horrible the prospect is at the time, is a must. The medications suck, but are necessary. And finding the right therapist is tough. Cognitive behavioral therapy is helping, but it is a lot of work. And you have to face and talk about things that make you feel worse at first. And strangely, those that do commit suicide, often do so when they are out of a bout of depression because they don’t want to fall into another bout. Stick with the treatments and medication, get off your ass(easier said than done), and retrain your brain to get out of negative thought processes.