Last Question and Update. Dealing with a toxic family member

[greenocelot]

Thanks for all your help guys from before. It has been a weird couple of months. If you read my last thread, you know that last year was not so good, but it actually got a little worse. I was offered a job in Osaka in January, and the employer told me that they had applied for the Visa before I had arrived, but they liked about it, so I was forced to come home because I would've had to live in Japan for 2 months with no income. But now, working as a janitor for the past 2 months, and saving, there is light at the end of the tunnel, i was offered a job as an ALT in Fukoka or an AP economics teacher in Liaoning, China. I had put in my two weeks and my last day was this past Friday. I am a young man excited about the future.

One question I wanted to ask your guys' opinion on. And this will be my last post here, I really do appreciate your help and support.

I had to move in with my dad and his wife after Osaka, for two weeks. My dad's wife, in all honesty, has over the entire period of time I've known her, kind of mean and acts in a creepy behavior ways a lot of the time. Because of this, I have given her so many chances. And I stand up to anybody (last week I stood up to our regional manager for being belittling and talking down to my co-workers), but i won't to her because I don't want to do the same to her because I don't want to jeopardize my dad's relationship with her. I just gave up on having a family type relationship with her because how she has treated me, literally given up, not in a mean way, but because if someone is mean like this to me I am confident enough to see this behavior as inconsequential to me. So I've just been engaging in avoidance.

So, I am excited bc about my opportunities, so it doesn't bother me anymore.

But my question to you, when I am gone within a few weeks, I don't want to give up on my relationship with my dad, but I don't see my relationship with her getting better, because she has not engaged in self reflection, and probably won't. I really don't like feeling this way, because I don't like feeling bad about anyone.

But when I am gone in a few weeks, how should I continue to conduct my relationship with my dad? People tell me, when I am removed from the situation it won't bother me, and they've offered me sympathy. But it's hard to remove someone from your thoughts as being inconsequential, when that person is tied to a family member.

 

[Exi]

What kind of mean and weird behavior does she engage in?
Is your dad aware, or is this something that is done behind his back?
How long have they been together?
Why is she threatened by you? Aside from perhaps her perception that you are competition for Fathers affection and her insecurities what else is there?

 

[Mike]

Well I would say pput her out of your mind and just interact with your dad. Should be able to just cal, text, or otherwise communicate with your dad without even having to involve her. That will probably piss her off too, so bonus

 

[Exi]

Also, no matter what a persons status or station in life, you must always call people on their bad behavior. Often avoidance strategy's just make it worse, as they see you as submitting to their shit actions. You are your own person first and foremost, and must worry first about how you deal with your interpersonal relationships and not worry as much as to how it "might" effect your father. Relationships without understanding and respect are not worth being in for more then the most temporary of reasons.

The most powerful position is to be diplomatic and state clearly how you feel, and are effected by certain actions of others, and to do it in a non accusatory manor that allows for people to empathize with your position and to move towards a mutually beneficial and sustainable resolution. Keep it brief and too the point, and give them room to think it over and to come back to meet you in the middle. If they come back at you in a way that is conflict orientated try to hear out any valid points they make and address them while discarding any of their shame, blame and guilt language, then see if they will reciprocate on your earlier request, if the do not, re-state your first request and give them they impression that you are trying to handle this in the best way you can for the benefit of all involved and give them a vision of what a healthy relationship could look like. If they, or she is not willing to budge over the course of a few of these interactions, pack your bags and move forward with your life on your terms. And don't slam the door on the way out, or give them a shitty parting words. Let them then come to you, as they may reflect on the loss in your absence. Don't fear conflict, see it as an opportunity to strengthen yourself and others. Hell, most of the guy's I have shared e-beers with on Sherdog are people that I had a fight with first.

Let your dad know that you care for him, and desire a strong relationship with him, and let her know that the door is always open and wish them well. There is nothing to be gained by feeling justified in taking actions that are counter to that. Be the grown up if they will not be. Everybody has power, use yours well my friend.

 

[fightingrabbit]

Fuck her mom. Or uppercuts. Sorry, this is now the only way I know how to deal with any situation.

 

[greenocelot]

*Delete*

 

[Yellowking]

Yah that letter is pretty dramatic. Maybe your step-mom just wants to bang? Sounds like you're about to move up in the world a bit, and it's got her juiced up.

You need to lay some pipe in this ho. Get some respect around that house, so when you come back to visit, they don't think twice about putting your shows on the tv.

 

[minute bull]

Fuck her mom. Or uppercuts. Sorry, this is now the only way I know how to deal with any situation.

It's true. We took the SATs together.

He scored quite low but I have to call him dad now.

 

[greenocelot]

Also, no matter what a persons status or station in life, you must always call people on their bad behavior. Often avoidance strategy's just make it worse, as they see you as submitting to their shit actions. You are your own person first and foremost, and must worry first about how you deal with your interpersonal relationships and not worry as much as to how it "might" effect your father. Relationships without understanding and respect are not worth being in for more then the most temporary of reasons.

The most powerful position is to be diplomatic and state clearly how you feel, and are effected by certain actions of others, and to do it in a non accusatory manor that allows for people to empathize with your position and to move towards a mutually beneficial and sustainable resolution. Keep it brief and too the point, and give them room to think it over and to come back to meet you in the middle. If they come back at you in a way that is conflict orientated try to hear out any valid points they make and address them while discarding any of their shame, blame and guilt language, then see if they will reciprocate on your earlier request, if the do not, re-state your first request and give them they impression that you are trying to handle this in the best way you can for the benefit of all involved and give them a vision of what a healthy relationship could look like. If they, or she is not willing to budge over the course of a few of these interactions, pack your bags and move forward with your life on your terms. And don't slam the door on the way out, or give them a shitty parting words. Let them then come to you, as they may reflect on the loss in your absence. Don't fear conflict, see it as an opportunity to strengthen yourself and others. Hell, most of the guy's I have shared e-beers with on Sherdog are people that I had a fight with first.

Let your dad know that you care for him, and desire a strong relationship with him, and let her know that the door is always open and wish them well. There is nothing to be gained by feeling justified in taking actions that are counter to that. Be the grown up if they will not be. Everybody has power, use yours well my friend.

Hi sir.
I am leaving to teach Economics at an international school in China within a few weeks. Being so, should I just go, not tell anyone, and just not look back? Or should I just act nice, say my good byes to dad and stepmother, and then not look back?

Unrelated, I am the only one in the family that was not alienated by my stepmother, until now. The sad thing is that I actually stood up for my dad and stepmother's marriage. But although I don't care anymore, my dad has never stood up for me. If my mom was still alive, she'd stand up for anyone. Now I stopped trying to see my stepmother as family and just a person who is not nice, for my own mental health

 

[boingyman]

Maybe you should talk to a counselor/therapist instead of sherdog?

 

[weed]

bro, she's going to flips this shit on you & play the victim.

 

[Uptown Swinger]

 

[greenocelot]

Hahaha. If it was, it would make the situation a lot easier. The old harikari

 

[greenocelot]

Maybe you should talk to a counselor/therapist instead of sherdog?

It's funny, I was the last one in the family to be alienated by her, and give her the most chances.

It is sad, she has a strained relationship with all of her children. She also drove my brother and sister away. My aunt cried and said "I wish your mom was still alive, for your sake"

 

[greenocelot]

It's funny, I was the last one in the family to be alienated by her, and give her the most chances.

Should just leave him a written letter and not say anything face to face, saves all the bullshit and arguments

same goes for your jitsu instructor I guess, unless you really want to know why he treated you the way he did

Doubt you'll get any reasonable answers though

bro, she's going to flips this shit on you & play the victim.

It is sad, she has a strained relationship with all of her children. She also drove my brother and sister away. My aunt cried and said "I wish your mom was still alive, for your sake"

 

[weed]

my condolences.

I'd suggest you casually speak to your dad about this. not in the manner to expose her, but how you feel you're not able to get the most out of what little time you have left with him before you head on out, because of her.

 

[spin]

at first, i was gonna say this is just a common thing i noticed a lot from wives when they have an extra person in their nest. and after the person has left, they get nicer.




but then i read this shit

"Hi ******,

You asked me if I was mad at you. It happened on a day about two weeks ago. I was wondering why all the time I have been there, why you guys never asked me what I wanted to watch on TV, eat for dinner, etc, so I asked, "someday can we watch one of my shows on TV" and you said, "you can always watch TV when were gone on Friday", then afterward, 20 minutes later, you told me "what is it with you and violent movies". I know you probably did not mean anything by the second comment, but the first comment kind of let me know where I stood, just implicitly that I was not good enough to be considered. So, just over time, somethings that you've said to me, probably not meant to be mean, and how you've gotten short with me for little things. I had always liked you, but this has just wore me down over time. I am a weird person in the sense that I don't like to be mad at anyone or feel bad towards anyone, so since it kept happening over and over again, so since I don't like feeling bad about how someone treats me, I just decided to be friendly but use avoidance, because although though I'll stand up to anyone anywhere (within the past two weeks I stood up for co-workers twice to the regional manager), I know that you are dad's wife and don't want jeopardize your relationship by standing up for myself.

And a further thing that led to avoidance, rather than talking about, because over time I was just skeptical about it getting better, was a pattern of behavior that made me feel weird. It has been kind of a constant, and I've never been a person like this, but over time, you, probably not doing it consciously, have made me feel weird when I'm around you and Dad. For example, late last summer, you got mad at me because I really just needed 30 minutes of dad's time to discuss something that was really important to me, but you got mad at me for asking dad for the time. This type of behavior, probably not directed in a mean way, has been a constant since you and Dad were together. For example, when I am talking in the car you literally talk over me about something completely unrelated. And also, when I try to talk to you when dad is not around, you ignore me, but always talk to me dad when dad is around. So, because of this behavior, and the above behavior, rather than feeling bad, because I hate feeling like the way those behaviors make me feel, I have just been engaging in avoidance. That way I did not make you, or dad, feel bad. But even though I had always liked you, all these behaviors over time just made me lose hope that it would get better, so I just gave up, and started to avoid those things that made me feel bad or weird.

I'm sorry. This is not an attack. I just wanted to explain when you asked me on the phone. Just over time it has led me to the mindset of the behavior been inconsequential, so as I don't feel bad about it any more. I hope that you understand I not writing this to be mean, it's just because you asked.



*******"

and the complaint about your dad not sticking up for you


dude



they gave you a fucking roof over your head and you complain about this petty shit??????

oh, you dont get asked what you'd like to watch on the tv he pays for in the house he pays for, while you're there interrupting the life they were having together? Oh, does she sometimes seem unwelcoming with someone she never wanted living in her home ever?

breaks my fucking heart.




how about you stop thinking about your goddamn self and realize they're people with lives and feelings too, say thank you for everything, and move the fuck on because they're fucking family. and they were fucking there for you.

 

[Exi]

Hi sir.
I am leaving to teach Economics at an international school in China within a few weeks. Being so, should I just go, not tell anyone, and just not look back? Or should I just act nice, say my good byes to dad and stepmother, and then not look back?

Unrelated, I am the only one in the family that was not alienated by my stepmother, until now. The sad thing is that I actually stood up for my dad and stepmother's marriage. But although I don't care anymore, my dad has never stood up for me. If my mom was still alive, she'd stand up for anyone. Now I stopped trying to see my stepmother as family and just a person who is not nice, for my own mental health

Greetings, It sounds like life is about to become a great adventure. I left a life behind once, and told nobody that I was about to up and leave, but my situation was much more extreme than yours own, and I would in any other scenario have preferred to make my exit addressing everyone with eye contact, words exchanged, and hopefully handshakes and embraces. It doesn't have to be a big production, but it would be wise to leave those closest to you with the opportunity to demonstrate their parting expressions to you, and you the same. It can be easier for them to express themselves better knowing you will be gone and that this is the only chance they have to get things right. Many people feel the need to rise to the occasion to resolve tensions in times like these. Perhaps as an economist you may best understand it as social/political currency that will have a return on investment no matter if the social market is hot or cold. Capitalize.

 

[Exi]

As for your instructor that won't give you the black belt you feel you have earned...when you go to shake his hand, hit the flying armbar and go Paul Harris on his ass.

 

[greenocelot]

at first, i was gonna say this is just a common thing i noticed a lot from wives when they have an extra person in their nest. and after the person has left, they get nicer.




but then i read this shit





and the complaint about your dad not sticking up for you


dude



they gave you a fucking roof over your head and you complain about this petty shit??????

oh, you dont get asked what you'd like to watch on the tv he pays for in the house he pays for, while you're there interrupting the life they were having together? Oh, does she sometimes seem unwelcoming with someone she never wanted living in her home ever?

breaks my fucking heart.




how about you stop thinking about your goddamn self and realize they're people with lives and feelings too, say thank you for everything, and move the fuck on because they're fucking family. and they were fucking there for you.

Hi Spin, thanks for your response. I do not think you read the caveat in my post, i.e. I mentioned to her the absolute nicest things she has said to me.

But I do have an answer for your question. Please search Youtube for AbroadInJapan and search for and watch any of the hate comment videos, wait for the part of the videos where Natsuki speaks, he has the answer for you. Just as a hint, the phrase he says starts with the word "go" or to save you some time search Google for "1 minute Natsuki".