Jujitsu advice for my daughter...

[jack36767]

Yeah. I get the participation medal issue as it is a recurring problem in my country as well.

Kids at school are told that running a race and not winning winning is OK because everyone get a star to participate and you worry that it will make them a no achiever....etc..

It is a hard spot to be as a parent.

Or as a parent you can encourage them, let winning and losing happen and use it as a teaching moment when they get mad about losing

 

[Daveb]

She loves jujitsu. She has great attitude, has a lot of fun and wants to do well. I'm only rewarding her for working on the holes in her game. Giving someone a "participation medal" and a pat on the back just for "trying" isn't the path to greatness. I don't want a BJ Penn on my hands in the future.

Honest question do you train ? I've noticed this attitude in alot of dads who don't train but put all their hopes of athletic glory on their children

 

[Quebec Nick]

TLDR

My daughter made over $30 her last class...that will resonate with her far more than any "pep talk".

Let the coach and the kids do their stuff, go for a run or do some training during the classes and just come in from time to time, you'll be suprised at how much they can upgrade without you counting guard passes and mount positions.

And for the record, no good jobs gets financially rewarded by every good moves you make. I don't know where you found that dumb idea to give money for just doing what's she's supposed to do. Also how many kids do you know that had over the top involved parents that had fun doing sports and continued in their late teens.

For my kid, when we drive back home, I let him talk about how it went and I just give him some tips, when we get home sometimes he asks me to show him stuff and that's pretty much all.

I also talk a lot about how he shouldn't be intimidated about higher belts or bigger kids, that he can still attack and if they're really that good he will just lose and nothing bad can happen in class. That made him more aggressive and it cost me nothing.

 

[jack36767]

Honest question do you train ? I've noticed this attitude in alot of dads who don't train but put all their hopes of athletic glory on their children

In wrestling, almost every psycho dad I have met ends up being some dude who quit in middle school or high school, or was JV, almost always. It’s frankly gotten asinine how often I see it. And how they take shit this age too seriously

 

[Quebec Nick]

Yeah. I get the participation medal issue as it is a recurring problem in my country as well.

Kids at school are told that running a race and not winning winning is OK because everyone get a star to participate and you worry that it will make them a no achiever....etc..

It is a hard spot to be as a parent.

I think it's better to not make a big fuss about anything that comes from the ''outside'', good medals, bad results, meanless medals, promotions, good school grades, hockey team selection, gymnastics competition team selection...

Just make sure that they assess of the result they had, that they understand what went good and what they can do better. Your role as a parent is to show them a path and to give them tools. Not to whine about a lost, that the referee sucks, that they should have had first place if they did it right.

You also have to remember that kids have physical and cognitive attributes that make them better at some type of activities, an ADD kid will be a lot better at hockey or soccer than doing at martial arts.

 

[jack36767]

I think it's better to not make a big fuss about anything that comes from the ''outside'', good medals, bad results, meanless medals, promotions, good school grades, hockey team selection, gymnastics competition team selection...

Just make sure that they assess of the result they had, that they understand what went good and what they can do better. Your role as a parent is to show them a path and to give them tools. Not to whine about a lost, that the referee sucks, that they should have had first place if they did it right.

You also have to remember that kids have physical and cognitive attributes that make them better at some type of activities, an ADD kid will be a lot better at hockey or soccer than doing at martial arts.

Interesting. My experience is that ADHD kids (including myself lol) take to martial arts very well. In fact it’s one of the only things that can make them focus sometimes

 

[Quebec Nick]

Interesting. My experience is that ADHD kids (including myself lol) take to martial arts very well. In fact it’s one of the only things that can make them focus sometimes

There's other factors like the way they behave and authority issues, I see Dennis the Menace kids at my boy's BJJ class that just disrupt everything and always end up being put away in a corner. I can understand that a kid who's just having trouble focusing but know how to behave will do good in martial arts.

I see the same kind of kids in a hockey game and they are always in the game and on the puck, there's no time to fool around. They usually have that split second advantage because they don't waste time to think.

 

[jack36767]

There's other factors like the way they behave and authority issues, I see Dennis the Menace kids at my boy's BJJ class that just disrupt everything and always end up being put away in a corner. I can understand that a kid who's just having trouble focusing but know how to behave will do good in martial arts.

I see the same kind of kids in a hockey game and they are always in the game and on the puck, there's no time to fool around. They usually have that split second advantage because they don't waste time to think.

Oh I see your point, you just have to handle them correctly and keep it moving. They’re actually the most fun but you have to get them invested in the learning process

 

[007]

let her enjoy it and eventually the killer instinct inside will come out

 

[lechien]

Or as a parent you can encourage them, let winning and losing happen and use it as a teaching moment when they get mad about losing

I think you did not understand what I meant. ..

The problem is when the school system tell your kids that you do not need to win because everyone get a participation medal.

Kids don't even get mad because they don't know what is losing or winning.

It creates a generation of non achievers that expect society to provide them because they "participate".

Don't have to do that extra effort to be better ....so to speak.

 

[jack36767]

I think you did not understand what I meant. ..

The problem is when the school system tell your kids that you do not need to win because everyone get a participation medal.

Kids don't even get mad because they don't know what is losing or winning.

It creates a generation of non achievers that expect society to provide them because they "participate".

Don't have to do that extra effort to be better ....so to speak.

I work in education.. I’m well aware of what they tell kids.. still does not invalidate my point. I probably know better than you because I have to listen to or read the silly explanations they give for doing such things

I’ve also worked in education enough to know that the attitude you are talking about is installed by the parents and home life.. not the school. Kids know exactly what winning and losing is and are naturally competitive especially if once again.. at home they are raised to be so. The attitudes kids have in the classroom reflects their home life and more importantly the stability of that home life

And to bring it back to the thread. Letting kids win and lose and not being ok with participation medals does not justify taking youth sports too seriously

 

[Foppa21]

No...I'm confident she could do better.

I've decided to reward her financially based on her performance.

$2 for full mount

$3 for taking an opponents back

$5 per submission

1$ dollar bonus for each if it's against a boy

You're kidding right?

On the off chance she gets stomped, she just hops into the car you're going to give her the silent ride home? Or is it out the back of a woodshed?

 

[Foppa21]

late to the thread, but as someone who's dated a few gymnasts and cheerleaders, if you push her into competition she's gonna have a ton of injuries and joint problems later in life...

And potentially a side of alcohol/drug dependency

 

[Foppa21]

She loves jujitsu. She has great attitude, has a lot of fun and wants to do well. I'm only rewarding her for working on the holes in her game. Giving someone a "participation medal" and a pat on the back just for "trying" isn't the path to greatness. I don't want a BJ Penn on my hands in the future.

What's wrong with BJ Penn? Black belt in 3 years, first non Brazilian black belt world champion. Won UFC titles in two weight divisions and in his prime, was considered top 3, if not #1 P4P mixed martial artist in the world.

His nickname was also "The Prodigy".... yep, definitely don't want a BJ Penn in the future...

 

[Foppa21]

Let the coach and the kids do their stuff, go for a run or do some training during the classes and just come in from time to time, you'll be suprised at how much they can upgrade without you counting guard passes and mount positions.

And for the record, no good jobs gets financially rewarded by every good moves you make. I don't know where you found that dumb idea to give money for just doing what's she's supposed to do. Also how many kids do you know that had over the top involved parents that had fun doing sports and continued in their late teens.

For my kid, when we drive back home, I let him talk about how it went and I just give him some tips, when we get home sometimes he asks me to show him stuff and that's pretty much all.

I also talk a lot about how he shouldn't be intimidated about higher belts or bigger kids, that he can still attack and if they're really that good he will just lose and nothing bad can happen in class. That made him more aggressive and it cost me nothing.

The best lesson would be if she learned to say to the team "let me do this and I'll split my earnings with you". Nothing like a bit of Game Theory as a life lesson lol

 

[Foppa21]

Interesting. My experience is that ADHD kids (including myself lol) take to martial arts very well. In fact it’s one of the only things that can make them focus sometimes

I would agree with you but it depends on where on the spectrum they are. In my limited dealings, team sports potentially too much chaos.

I recommended a workmate to take bjj over kickboxing. a) I'm a bit biased b) kickboxing has a bit more movement (in my view) c) the subtlety of some of the movements would probably encourage a person with ADHD (I feel) d) we have Ryan Hall as our shining example

 

[Foppa21]

I work in education.. I’m well aware of what they tell kids.. still does not invalidate my point. I probably know better than you because I have to listen to or read the silly explanations they give for doing such things

I’ve also worked in education enough to know that the attitude you are talking about is installed by the parents and home life.. not the school. Kids know exactly what winning and losing is and are naturally competitive especially if once again.. at home they are raised to be so. The attitudes kids have in the classroom reflects their home life and more importantly the stability of that home life

And to bring it back to the thread. Letting kids win and lose and not being ok with participation medals does not justify taking youth sports too seriously

Again, in my uneducated mind, at 6 we should be looking to teach life skills. Whether OP likes it or not, learning to lose is a life skill. We don't have to like it but losing with a bit of grace and learning from it is a skill in itself.

Taking it back to BJJ, what happened to the good old mantra of "You either win or you learn"?

 

[esteven]

late to the thread, but as someone who's dated a few gymnasts and cheerleaders, if you push her into competition she's gonna have a ton of injuries and joint problems later in life...

Excellent subtle brag. 10/10, and congrats!

 

[irc]

My daughter is 6 years old and excelling at BJJ. She has been in gymnastics since she was 18 months old so she's very strong and has been able to overpower older bigger sparring partners.

The problem I'm having is that she is timid. She is competitive but not aggressive by nature. If she would be a little more explosive from the get-go I know she could perform better. Instead she starts out slow and gives her opponents too much advantage from the start. She consistently allows herself to get in dangerous positions at the beginning, she's usually able to power her way out of it but that's not going to happen as she faces stronger more experienced opponents.

What can I say to her to help her understand this shortcoming and fix it? I don't want to come across as being overly critical or make her feel like she's somehow failing...but I just don't know how to go about instilling the idea that she's not performing to the best of her ability.

Advice from any coaches out there, or anyone who has experience with training kids, would be much appreciated.

What belt are you?

People are going to express themselves through BJJ differently. At 6, she's not going to have a game yet. As others have said, she needs to have fun doing BJJ. That's the most important thing right now. Pressure from you is going to set her up to ultimately quit, because whats she's going to be doing on the mats will not be her own thing, it will be something you pressured her into. Her confidence will come, but give her room to find it on her own. In a few years she'll be easily destroying other kids her age, on her terms, and she'll be more confident and capable than you could have hoped for...or she won't. And that needs to be ok too. The best thing I think you can do for her is to give her room, and encourage her to enjoy it. Help make it fun. I'm a black belt and have been coaching for years, and I believe the thing with BJJ is it has to come from the person doing it, and that's going to look different for different people. But at 6 she isn't going to have that kind of development, and you can't make her have it. Be patient, be supportive, and let her develop on her own.

 

[RJ Green]

Excellent subtle brag. 10/10, and congrats!

I really didn't mean for that to come off as braggy or douchey as it does. But yeah, I dig smaller athletic women. I've known a few. While none of them regret cheer or gymnastics, they do end up with a lot of debilitating injuries that they have to deal with on a daily basis, and end up admitting they regret the toll it took on their body, especially those who focused on doing those activities competitively.

Gymnastics seems especially cruel given what it does to their joints, body composition, and self-esteem. The impact is so harsh and the competitive bar is set so high that you really are much better off being as tiny as possible. I've never personally known a gymnast who hadn't dealt with an eating disorder.

I'm not saying little girls shouldn't have role models, and I'm not saying that it's an inherently bad sport, but I think the competitive drive at such an early age ends up breaking a lot of young women in myriad ways. It's like how boys can't just have fun in little league because too many never-was high school hero dads are trying to groom their snowflake for a nonexistent shot at MLB or college ball.

Football's another good example - grown-ass adults encouraging children to bludgeon each other into brain damage for vicarious enjoyment, yet addressing or even recognizing the faults somehow 'softens' the game.

I think sports are wonderful for kids. I think there's a lot to be learned in terms of grit, handling loss, and incremental improvement within a growth mindset.

I also think that they can royally fuck kids up, both mentally and physically.

I guess that's what I was trying to get at - it's okay to let kids have fun, pick their hobbies, and it's okay to push them to aspire for better things, but there's a level where *best* still isn't good enough, and i think teaching kids to view life in terms of what they lack is a great way to produce a dysfunctional adult.