I can't do this s*** anymore

Status
Not open for further replies.
If you've really managed to not do drugs for several weeks and currently have some kind of roof over your head then you actually have pretty good foundation to turn your life around. Things might not be quite as bad as you think. You're not living under a bridge blowing dudes for dope. That's a major plus.

You have an internet connection. You could use that to help yourself find a job. Minimum wage jobs are possible to score even if you fucked up a little, and if you can't find one right away then you could look up all of the job placement/day labor type places in your area. Those people are literally paid to recruit out of work people to do odd jobs. You earn a little money, get some job experience, get into the practice of having a productive routine. Once you have that going, I would advise taking up some kind of hobby or exercise. Physical exercise is great for mood and over all health. I personally like to lift weights. For me, nothing relieves stress/anger/tension like lifting heavy. If you don't have access to a gym right now, that's fine. Even just going on long walks or doing lots of push ups is helpful. Other than that, my advice to you would be to try and let go of some of your resentment/anger towards your family and the rest of the world for not being how you would like them to be. Even if they are wrong, it isn't going to get you anywhere to get upset and waste time thinking negatively about them.

There was this story about a Vietnamese Buddhist that asked an American who had been a prisoner of war in Vietnam if he forgives his former captors. The American soldier said no, and the Vietnamese Buddhist told him that he hasn't truly been set free then. That story always sticks out in my mind when I see people spend too much time being angry at the people that they perceive to have wronged them. It doesn't do you any good to have that kind of resentment.
 
Ts stop talking in absolutes. Nothing but death is permanent. Get your place. Get more time sober under your belt. Stop hating on your family, it gets you nowhere. Get sunshine and air every day. Get a job. Things will improve exponentially, but only if you want them to.
 
That209 said:
It's no secret that I have a lot of issues. I've posted a lot of personal things here and I guess today is just another one of those days. I don't trust many people because I've been stabbed in the back so many times over this kind of thing, but I honestly just don't even care anymore. I don't have anybody to actually talk to so whatever I'll write shit here.

Before people talk down on me about using drugs, I haven't had anything for a few weeks now and have no wish to go back to it again. I'm done with it because I've relied on it for nearly 7 years and it's truly the reason I'm such a fuck up. I started taking it years ago to cope with some other issues I had without understanding what I was getting into. I thought I had a problem and self-medicated to get my mind off of it, but in reality I was just creating a problem, a real problem and it made me lose almost a decade of my life. Having to rely on those stupid pills just to feel normal always pissed me off. I hated myself more every time I took something.

Today, I'm basically to the point where I don't really even care about being alive. I haven't lived in years, I've just existed. I hate having to sometimes contemplate stealing food to get by, sometimes actually doing it because I can't really ask anybody for help. I have no family. I've said that here many times. I've always been the black sheep of my so called family, long before I started taking pain pills, long before I dropped out of school, before I ever really had any problems. I can't even call to ask if I could get food off of literally any of my family members because apparently that's a problem and it's literally always been this way. Addicted to drugs or not, it never would've mattered because they were always against me for some strange reason. They're the same way with my dad and that's the worst part because he never did anything to anyone. Always helped them when they needed it but they can't ever help him out, always excuses from them.


I'm trying to get on ODSP right now so I can get my own place as soon as possible, then go work somewhere for a year and then get a job at the place my brother is at. Or maybe not go to where my brother is at because at the same time I honestly just want to disappear. I feel like cutting ties with every single person in my family, literally all of them. It's all my own fault and I know that. I'm not blaming other people for my problems, this is all because of my own bad decisions (besides my family treating me like shit from the get go, like I said, even before drugs and dropping out of school they always hated me). I'm hoping to finally get things in order at least a little bit within the next few months because these things take awhile. Once I can (somehow) get my own place no matter how shitty it is, I just want to fucking disappear. It's too much for me to handle anymore. It's become overwhelming for me.

I've always kept everything inside because like I said, I don't really trust anybody because I've been fucked over way too much, but I'm at the point of somehow getting everybody in my family together and finally telling them what I actually think. It's not like it'd make any difference to them, but I'd love to somehow be able to get them all together and tell them how fake they are. They'd rather have me out on the street than to even stay at one of their places for one single day. I hate them all. What really pissed me off about them was when my dad was in the hospital with pneumonia, very close to dying and they all showed up. Suddenly they care when he's on the verge of possibly dying. I so badly wanted to tell them all off because I knew that if he recovered, they'd all just fuck off again and act like they're better than us. One of these days I have to let them know. I'm tired of all the pretending.

Before somebody says it - I'm not looking for help, I'm not looking for any sympathy or anything. Like I said, sometimes you need to get shit out. I have nobody to really talk to and for the most part this place is anonymous. There's quite a few people here that know who I am but I'm fine with that because the people that do know me, I trust them enough to tell them practically anything. Sometimes I just need to get it all out there, though. I'm tired of life even though I haven't actually lived for about 7 years. I destroyed myself and I'm finally at the point where I'm going to try to make things better for me. There's so much more I want to say but hey, this is already too long since people hate reading so much, understandably. I'm depressed to the point it's not just feeling oh so sad, it's to the point of not feeling anything at all anymore. I'm numb to pretty much anything. I have zero joy in life. I haven't been happy for as long as I can remember, ever since I was a little kid I've been this way, I don't know why.

Yes I do need help, but the help I need is really not out there. I've seen so many psychiatrists, therapists, whatever the fuck they're called and it never helped me. Ever since I was a kid, I've seen so many of them and it never helped. I'm just.. this way. I'm naturally just like this. Some of us are just unlucky and our brains don't work the way they should I guess.

I'm likely going to regret posting this later, but oh well. Hate away, Sherdog. I had to get it out.

In 3 months time, I will update this shit to show that I'm in a better spot. I promise that and I know some of you will remember that I said this, so feel free to bring it up when the time comes.
Click to expand...

There are many people here that are willing to help you. Stay strong my friend.
 
That209 said:
The issue with me is that I can't find any happiness in anything I do and nothing will ever change it. I could have my own family, actually be successful in terms of material objects, money, etc. I could have everything in the world but I will never have any real happiness. I've lost it for good. It's all meaningless to me. We're here and then we're gone. We're all slaves to a dollar. That's really what life has become about in this modern society. It's been that way for hundreds of years but more so than ever nowadays. You always hear that money doesn't buy happiness and that actually is true, just not for everybody. I could be a billionaire, I could have everything but the one thing I will never have is happiness. It's truly the one thing I lack. I'm the complete opposite of happiness and that's the reason I'm the way I am. I had a great childhood and had no reason at all to ever have any sort of issues like depression, but one day I guess it just came over me and I've been that way ever since. I still remember that day.
Click to expand...

If you read into the history of depression it is fascinating. The ancient Greeks called it "melancholia" and there are stories of noblemen or wealthy aristocrats in Japan, China, Rome, Greece, the middle ages etc. Scholars like Henri-Jacques Stiker do some good work on these kind of subjects. Historians mention how this or that aristocrat will be good looking, wealthy, have a harem and the respect of their peers - and yet are still just inconsolable and sad. Nothing to be done. Sometimes they hate their culture and make insightful judgement about it that they just can't get over... other times they're just "prone to fits of melancholy" - whatever.

Doctors have told me I have depression and I always doubted the diagnosis - felt it was either misdiagnosed, over diagnosed - or whatever, maybe Doctors and Pharma are just trying to sell us pills? I question it all the time.

But if you look at the history and get into the scholarship the diagnoses start making more sense. Global population goes up. People have more access to doctors and medicine than ever before - so yeah, it's perhaps depression is being accurately diagnosed and we just never realized how prevalent it was before - or perhaps it's on the rise. I, like you, think there is a real social factor at play. Chasing money is ultimately unfulfilling for most people and yet it is the only source of freedom and prestige that has any tangible benefit in our society. Which really leaves a lot human need for creative connection and discussion unanswered and skewered as unimportant.

I like this quote:

If you worship money and things — if they are where you tap real meaning in life — then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It’s the truth. Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you. On one level, we all know this stuff already — it’s been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, bromides, epigrams, parables: the skeleton of every great story. The trick is keeping the truth up-front in daily consciousness. Worship power — you will feel weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to keep the fear at bay. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart — you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. And so on.


And please know you're not alone.
There are a lot of people out there who feel exactly like you do.
I'm one of them and I know there are others.
I don't know if that makes things better or worse.
But I'm rooting for you just the same way I'm rooting for me.

tenor.gif
 
Life can be a real asshole, and so can people.

Are you decent looking? Move out to call if you are. Do something crazy. Hike the pct. Or, do the best thing, and find a fatish chick and start nailing her every day. You don' have to gaf about her, because if you don't, she will love you more.. Make sure she has a good looking brother or something, then maybe have a kid and get married.

You aren't happy w your life alone? Ok, maybe don't be alone. Trade drugs for using a girl you don't find that attractive. She will love you, and that can be your thing.
 
Jkillah said:
If you've really managed to not do drugs for several weeks and currently have some kind of roof over your head then you actually have pretty good foundation to turn your life around. Things might not be quite as bad as you think. You're not living under a bridge blowing dudes for dope. That's a major plus.

You have an internet connection. You could use that to help yourself find a job. Minimum wage jobs are possible to score even if you fucked up a little, and if you can't find one right away then you could look up all of the job placement/day labor type places in your area. Those people are literally paid to recruit out of work people to do odd jobs. You earn a little money, get some job experience, get into the practice of having a productive routine. Once you have that going, I would advise taking up some kind of hobby or exercise. Physical exercise is great for mood and over all health. I personally like to lift weights. For me, nothing relieves stress/anger/tension like lifting heavy. If you don't have access to a gym right now, that's fine. Even just going on long walks or doing lots of push ups is helpful. Other than that, my advice to you would be to try and let go of some of your resentment/anger towards your family and the rest of the world for not being how you would like them to be. Even if they are wrong, it isn't going to get you anywhere to get upset and waste time thinking negatively about them.

There was this story about a Vietnamese Buddhist that asked an American who had been a prisoner of war in Vietnam if he forgives his former captors. The American soldier said no, and the Vietnamese Buddhist told him that he hasn't truly been set free then. That story always sticks out in my mind when I see people spend too much time being angry at the people that they perceive to have wronged them. It doesn't do you any good to have that kind of resentment.
Click to expand...

Excellent post! @That209 the bolded is important. It's only relatively recently that I realized you have to take things one step at a time, and be willing to give yourself credit for the small victories even if you're not where you want to be. You're a young guy still, and it seems like you're really disappointed in yourself but at least that means you realize you need to make changes. Truly shitty human beings revel in it instead.


 
BearGrounds said:
Contrary to popular belief, there's nothing wrong with despising life; it's worth despising. Just don't do it in a way that brings you to ruin, or in a way that brings upon you more suffering than is necessary.

If you do that, life wins, in a manner of speaking.

We all die and turn to dust regardless. The self righteous optimists along with the drunks and drug abusers - all become dirt. And the world moves on, without a single fuck given. Just like it did when the dinosaurs were obliterated.

In short, don't fret. You'll be dead soon.
Click to expand...
Sounds harsh but true. Life truly sucks when you really think about it.
 
Money can certainly buy happiness. But being rich doesn't necessarily makes someone happy. Just look at some Hollywood and sports celebrities and how money ruined their lives. Mike Tyson is a prime example. There is certainly something that will make you happy, you just haven't found it. Have you done any volunteer work with people or animals? I also think that if you are having suicidal thoughts, you should see a doctor. Are you a veteran? Keep your mind busy, eat well, exercise, and get some good sleep. Good luck...
 
Life is a struggle for a lot of us till the very end. Just keep pushing till something gives.
 
Quit lurking Dapsy
 
That209 said:
Not sure exactly what part you're getting at, but I think you're getting mixed up when I said I haven't actually lived for most of my life, I've just existed. Yes, Speeity, I know it's all on me. I know my life isn't very good because I made stupid decisions. I already said that in the OP. I'm not blaming anybody else except for myself for my addiction and for why I fucked a lot of things up for myself for the time being. Long before drugs, before I actually had any real problems I was always fucked up. I was always depressed. It apparently runs in my family according to one of my aunts (the only aunt I have that actually cares about anybody besides herself), but I guess I got it worse than everybody else for some reason and always did. Like I said, I've always naturally been this way. Some of us just don't have the strength to do the things most other people in the world do and it's not a physical problem, it's something else.
Click to expand...
Bro youre really not fucking listening or paying attention at all because despite your moping, your ego is so damn huge that you have this shit figured out. Like, that's the sinister part of what's going on with you: you say all of the "right things" but deep down you really think you're smarter than everyone and no one is intelligent enough to grasp you by your neck and tell you what's up.

This "it's on me" shit only works when it IS on you. What I am telling you right now, is that you have to, i mean you have to, shut the fuck up for 5 seconds and drop your ego long enough to surrender yourself to people who can actually help you.

"I've seen tons of therapists and..." and fucking what dude? What? These trained professionals don't know how to deal with you? You are so special and unique and one of a kind that these people who have dealt with dozens, possibly hundreds of people just like you have no clue what to do?

There are people who know how to help you. You are lucky enough to have access to the proper channels to truly honestly get a fresh start, but you are too lazy to just follow through because have no doubt, it's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, and your ego is too big to admit that you have re-program, despite you, for years now, saying you have to reprogram.

You know the answers and solutions, and those are way harder than whining about how hard you have it. I know this is going to piss you right off and the pain you're feeling is 100% real, i don't doubt it, but you need to wake up for a second and consider that there are thousands of people out there who don't have the access to the proper channels like you do and think about what a prick you would be to not take advantage of those.

The people you see who are truly at rock bottom, i mean levels below how you feel, are the egocentric ones who kept saying "I got this, no one understands me, no one wants to help anyway, have to do this on my own i guess, but i'm too weak" with all of that circular logic that feels really good to indulge in.

Listen here, bro, if you really "Didn't want to live" you wouldn't be living right now. Period. You can repeat things that sound all dramatic and cool all you want, but a part of you, a bigger part than you are willing to admit, obviously wants to be alive, so lets use that as your groundwork.

At this point we know:
@That209 wants to be alive
He doesn't want to continue destructive habits while being alive
He knows he needs help
He is "not strong enough to help himself"

Hmmm, sounds like to stay alive, he needs the proper help. But most of all, he needs to be willing to actually receive said help, which means that he should listen to his own inner dialogue, the one that says "I have no clue what the fuck i'm doing" and go to people who can give him the proper blocks to build that up.

I'm not doing that fake "Tough love" stuff either, i'm being honest with you and being as objective as possible here. It sucks to see a friend hurt, online, offline, whatever, i consider you a friend and your feelings matter, but i'm also not going to let you get away with constantly whining about not knowing what to do then spitting at the feet of the people that do. You're a boat in the ocean and you can second guess that lighthouse all you want, but there's only one way to shore; not gonna sit here and listen to complain about being wet if you're not gonna steer the boat, sailor.

<3
 
That209 said:
I'll be 25 on the 28th of this month. Hooray.
Click to expand...
You're 24 and you're talking as if your life is over!?!
You're still a fucking kid. Your life has barely begun. How the hell have you already established that you can "never be happy", and that 17 was last time you felt alive?
You need to sit down and put things in perspective.
You are young. You have the internet. I assume you have an electronic device that you're posting threads from. You have the time to post on a mixed martial arts forum. You have had the resources to see multiple therapists. You ain't doing that bad, dude. Your life is not destroyed at the age of 24.
Older people with bigger problems put themselves back together with far less.

It starts with you. You have to want to change. You're just talking and not acting. Lol you think all those therapists didn't know what they were talking about and couldn't help you?
There is NOTHING that the best therapist on the planet can do for somebody that DOESN'T WANT HELP. If you won't listen, if you won't help yourself, how the hell is someone supposed to help you? You think you have it all figured out, but you don't. Im 10 years your senior, and i learn new shit about myself and the world everyday.

Stop thinking negatively. You won't get anywhere with a negative attitude.
Get your ass in a gym. Exercise. Eat well. Go outside for a walk. Build a strong body, and that will help you to build a strong mind. Do shit that will make you feel good(not drugs obviously), and then you will start to think positively.
Find what you want to do with your life, and stop blaming others for where you are in life. At the end of the day it doesn't matter whose fault was what. You're not getting any money for winning a dumb 10 year old argument
Focus on the future.
If you want something in this life, you take it. No one is going to hand it to you.
 
Jkillah said:
There was this story about a Vietnamese Buddhist that asked an American who had been a prisoner of war in Vietnam if he forgives his former captors. The American soldier said no, and the Vietnamese Buddhist told him that he hasn't truly been set free then. That story always sticks out in my mind when I see people spend too much time being angry at the people that they perceive to have wronged them. It doesn't do you any good to have that kind of resentment.
Click to expand...
Reminds me of a quote, "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die "
You get nothing out of being bitter towards people. It only hurts you.
The person you're bitter towards isn't thinking about you, or hates your guts too. You're walking around with all of this pent up negative energy for nothing, and all it does is make you look like an asshole.
Let it go.
 
Oh man...

“Youth is wasted on the young”

As I get old, it’s sad how true this saying becomes...
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

Bornstarch
You can barely talk to doctors anymore
3 4 5
Replies
95
Views
3K
jx820
jx820

Latest posts

Forum statistics

Threads
1,236,928
Messages
55,455,394
Members
174,786
Latest member
Gladiator47

Share this page

Back
Top