Holy shit OT. I had no idea you were in such a bad way. We've never met each other but we've interacted across these forums for years. I'm so very sorry to hear about your current situation. My man. I've been in some deep, deep holes. I've sat around thinking about how painful of a death it would be drinking bleach. I promise you that it can, and will get better. But you have to want it to first. Always here for you bro. Never hesitate to reach out.