Existence Is Punishment: Grappling Strong

Discussion in 'Training Logs' started by Obscure Terror, Apr 29, 2012.

  1. Dan O

    Dan O Purple Belt

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    Holy shit OT. I had no idea you were in such a bad way. We've never met each other but we've interacted across these forums for years. I'm so very sorry to hear about your current situation.

    My man. I've been in some deep, deep holes. I've sat around thinking about how painful of a death it would be drinking bleach. I promise you that it can, and will get better. But you have to want it to first.

    Always here for you bro. Never hesitate to reach out.
     
  2. Obscure Terror

    Obscure Terror ................................. Platinum Member

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    Still kicking Legio. One day at a time.
     
  3. KotovSyndrome

    KotovSyndrome Blue Belt

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    Hey mate, how are you holding up?
     
  4. MilkManUK

    MilkManUK Brown Belt

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    You'll do anything to get out of meeting me in Reading!

    Jokes aside, hope you're hanging in there.
     
  5. Obscure Terror

    Obscure Terror ................................. Platinum Member

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    I'm ticking over. Just doing my rehab and physio and staying busy, or trying. I am on the waiting list for CBT and back at work.
     
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  6. Obscure Terror

    Obscure Terror ................................. Platinum Member

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    Just a heads up as I probably won't update this again. You can follow me on Instagram @danthegrappler where I post any and all training footage. Currently in month 6 of rehab. I've squatted 140kg, deadlifted 150kg and benched 105kg without any knee sleeves, belt or wrist wraps but progress is slow. Neck pain has gone and strength is slowly, slowly returning, and am trying to rebuild atrophied muscle in my left pec, lat and tricep. Still have residual numbness in my left index finger, I have maybe 75% sensation. I managed to get in with the head physiotherapist at Manchester Utd; he has a private practice and is an expert in manual therapy and musculoskeletal injuries so has done a lot for me, he is currently trying to get as much feeling back in the finger as we can get. I may have numbness in it for life and it may effect my ability to play guitar, but at the minute I have no music equipment anyway so it's not on the priority list. Also BJJ has been off the table due to injury, it's something I may go back to but would have to be very, very protective of my neck. Would just be nogi and no competing, I have no interest in progressing through the belts but feel I have a responsibility to go back to it as I spent so many years dedicating myself to it.

    In other news my landlord sold the flat I was living in with friends, one of whom I've lived with for 6 years. He was going to buy it on our behalf but then the other housemate decided to move in with his GF instead, so my friend pulled out of the sale and moved in with his GF. I tried to find somewhere to live and got close but the two places I saw declined me and rented to other people, so I am currently living back at my mum's place, moved in on Thursday. Got more house viewings to arrange but moving back home at 33 was not something I would have chosen for myself and was very upsetting to go through.

    Mental health wise I am out of the worst I would say, I have bad days but suicidal thoughts have pretty much gone completely. My GP wouldn't give me antidepressants as she didn't think I would commit to taking them regularly. I got a referral through for CBT but because I'd moved home I was out of the catchment area and they discharged me, I would need to go through the referral process again. Due to the house move I don't see the point doing this as depending on where I end up living I'll need to sign up with a new doctor anyway. When that happens I'll discuss these things with them on the first appointment. I honestly don't think therapy would be of any benefit to me, my depression is aligned with my moral values and no therapy is designed to re-align them so medication may be the best method I have for coping. Symptom wise I have constant anhedonia and was occasionally suffering some de-personalisation but that seems to have stabilized at least, anxiety isn't really a thing except when I was trying to find a new place to live and then it kicked hard, but I think that was a natural stress response.

    In summary, life is pretty rough right now, but I'm doing slightly better than I was. I haven't got any life goals except to move out and rebuild a bit of a life, and try and get healthy enough to train properly again. Ideally getting back to 100% health, and maybe do a powerlifting meet of some kind in the future. It's not much but it's what I've got.
     
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