dragging my feet, about to go to her wake

firtst off guys, thanks for the kind words, all of you. and for those who have also lost someone and this brought back memories, im sorry if they upset you, and hope what peopel says is true and amybe tyhey made you happy. the funeral/service was today. it was nbright and sunny when it began, then i noticed it was snowing once her dad started reading his eulogy, i thought it was fitting. i pretty much just spaced out and stared at her protrait, which is this picture i posted, but was made into a nice painintg im sure her dad will hang up next to the one of her mom. i wrote her a letter than i read to her the day before she was creamted, which is what i would have considered my eulogy to her. but i did not speak today, i thought about it, but my thoughts and words in this case were only for her, and i read them to her a few days before. i am going to get a nice shrub, or tree or something to plant in her dads back yard and place some of her ashes in the soil before i place the tree or plant. also, soon we will go up to well beach in Maine to spread her ashes, we went there every summer and it was when she was her happiest. that wont be for a while.
once it was all over i drove my mom back to boston to the prudential where she is staying witha friend, who has maybe the nicest appartment ive ever seen, being wealthy must be fun. peopole in boston cannot drive btw. anyway that was the last obligation i needed to fufill in this whatever u call it. my cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, siblings, friends, are all back at their homes. i told each and every one of them i loved them too, and even though i did not speak about it, i know ill be doing this for all of them, or most of them at some point down the road, my pov is changed. i dont mean their funerals, i mean being there for them when death sneaks up on them, and that was ripping me apart as well. im sure i havent been the easiest person to be around altely, they all deserve something nice for their efforts. now im sitting here eating a slaad with soem chicken, first meal of the day and im starving. tomorrrow i go back to work, which im somewhat happy about. i cant sit around all day forever rotting away alone. it would be easy to though, but i cant. the few friends i have locally are still checking in on me, inviting me palces. ill do some shit soon, but i need to get my school work in order, i have a month lef tin the semester and grad school has taken a very distant backseat last week and a half. i cant fuck that up, i cant. i need to get that shit done, professors have been accomodating and i appreciate that, i need to do my work though so that starts back up tomoorow. then the next thing is find new place to live.
also i keep hearing noises in the house, but its not scary im hoping its her or something i dunno, that probably sounds crazy.
thanks sherbros.
 
it starts at 6, i know shes already gone. going to see so many people i havent seen in decades. they will cry, i will cry, i dont know if i have any tears left. 7 years, we met on our birthday, we both were born on may 15. she was the sun and i revolved around her. i miss her, even the things that used to drive me crazy. she told me this would happen,s aid she would die young, and she did. 30 years old, pulmonary embolism, just like her mom. i ran upstairs when she fell, at the bottom of a flight of stairs. she looked so scared, was unresponsive just staring out into space. i slapped her because in the movies people wake up, in real life it doenst owrk. i called 911 immedaitely, began cpr, nothing. the emts took over within 3 minutes of the whole thing, brought her to ER. 15 doctors and nurses, intubated her, broke her sternum doing cpr. administered everything they could, hit her with the paddles. nothing. at one point when i first ran to her we locked eyes for a split second, she gasped for air, the last breath she ever took. no pulse, no breathing, she urinated and i kneeled in it doing crp. i screamed at her, i begged her to wake up. she never did. she left behind so many peop[le who are all just here and shes gone. she didnt take care of herself, the last 2 years she was basically in bed or at her computer. there were a hundred warning signs and red flags, ill regret not making her get healthy. the details are irtrelvant in that regard, when its ur time to go its ur time to go. she was my everything, and i think i also died that night. now i have to go to a fucking meet and greet with hundreds of people that also will feel some form of pain, but not like mne. i know they also need a time to grieve, but im just dead inside at this point. the tears stopped coming days ago, even when i cry. its true what they say u do run out. i have to remind myself to do the most basic things. in the bl;ink of an eye it can all go away sherbros, literally. i made so many plans for us, and i was getting things done, working to make a better life for us. i never planned for a life without her and thats on me. i took her for granted, every time she got sick and stayed in hospital she always got better. when someoen dies slowly, its easy to not notice the small signs over along period of time. she looked so scared even though she was already pretty much gone. she left so many unanswered questions that will haunt my soul to the day i join her and cross over. i just hope she is with her mom now, she never really got over that. tell the people you love that you love them. really and truly tell them even if it feels awkward. not a day wen by i didint tell her how much she meant to me, she was literally my world. from the moment we met until the moment i helf her when she left i can say for sure she knew love, even when it wasnt good, she knew and for that im thankful. now i have to go stand next to her dad who burried his wife 4 years ago almost to the day, and now is in the same funeral home saying goodby to his only daughter, i dont know how he is still standing. i dunno bros, send prayers and wish me luck. im about to go do the hardest thing ive ever done. that night will haunt me, and when someoen dies its not a one and done kind of thing. each little change in my life without her a little shread of what is left of her essence dies again. my house is emptied out, but i still dont have anywhere to go. her material items are mostly gone, im keeping only a few things because its too hard to see them. i now have to embark on a lifetimne without the person who made me , me.
Kristen, it will never be the same without you. you knocked me on ym ass when i met you, and knew we would have a story. i wish we had a million more years together, it went in teh blink of an eye.
IM sorry for everything babe i miss you and i love you to the moon and back cutie pie.

Stay up brother. Thanks for sharing. Even if it doesn't last, you gave us all a little perspective for now.

The love we all show after reading this is because of yours. It never dies. It's in the universe forever.
 
you know fora group of 275 pound bad ass street fighters with 500-0 records you guys are wise and actually pretty nice folks. who would have guessed it.
 
not a day wen by i didint tell her how much she meant to me, she was literally my world. from the moment we met until the moment i helf her when she left i can say for sure she knew love, even when it wasnt good, she knew and for that im thankful..

Of everything you wrote-read this part every day.

You did right by this woman. The grief that is harder to recover from is the grief you carry from not doing right by someone.

But you did right by this woman. Let that lift you.
 
I don't know what to say. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. If my wife or one of my kids go before I do, I'm not sure how I would continue. You've been incredibly strong. As someone else said, continue to be the man she knew you as, and day by day it will slowly get easier to deal with. Find peace and happiness soon brother.
 
You found a love stronger than most of us have found, and managed to hang on to it for decent amount of time.

In that regard you have my envy.

In the other regard you have my sympathy. Hang in there broseph
 
This is unquestionably the most a forum post has ever fucked me up, far and away. Strikes close to home as my lovely wife has been having some serious health issues as well. My deepest sympathies.
 
Takes a real man to pour out his soul like that to his Sherbros. Respect & my sincerest condolences. RIP Kristen
 
This is unquestionably the most a forum post has ever fucked me up, far and away. Strikes close to home as my lovely wife has been having some serious health issues as well. My deepest sympathies.
all i can say is she told me all thje time that the moments when she wasnt feeling well and i got up to do the most meaningless crap, like work out or clean the house or go to the store and she asked me to stay with her, just for a little while and sometimes i did, but sometimes i didnt i regret each one of those times. if ur woman needs you and you feel compelled to take care of real ife shit, and its not absolutely necessary for your surivival, which includes your sanity (*thats a lot of weight to carry to when ur caring for someone who isnt well), just be with her my man, just be with her., Hoping she feels better bro, even now when im a wreck im still praying for others who are hurting.
 
Sending love, peace and blessings your way TS.

So sorry to hear about this fucked up shit.
 
My condolences, man. That’s horrible. Just don’t blame yourself. If you had tried harder to get her to take better care of herself, she likely would have died at the same time anyway, but your last memories would be full of the two of you fighting over whether or not she was taking good enough care of herself. You did the right thing to just let her do what she wanted. Genetics plays a much larger role in a person’s lifespan than doctors want to admit.
 
all i can say is she told me all thje time that the moments when she wasnt feeling well and i got up to do the most meaningless crap, like work out or clean the house or go to the store and she asked me to stay with her, just for a little while and sometimes i did, but sometimes i didnt i regret each one of those times. if ur woman needs you and you feel compelled to take care of real ife shit, and its not absolutely necessary for your surivival, which includes your sanity (*thats a lot of weight to carry to when ur caring for someone who isnt well), just be with her my man, just be with her., Hoping she feels better bro, even now when im a wreck im still praying for others who are hurting.
I thank you for the consideration and kind words. I’m sure the grief is crippling at times, but you seem to be handling it well. Often times, writing messages like your opening post, or even to or about the person can be therapeutic. Your brain goes a bit haywire in heavy grief, and putting thoughts to an organized format brings some order to the chaos. I’m sure most of it will be private ramblings, but any time you have something you’d like to share about her, come back and update the thread. Again, I’m very sorry for your loss.
 
My condolences, man. That’s horrible. Just don’t blame yourself. If you had tried harder to get her to take better care of herself, she likely would have died at the same time anyway, but your last memories would be full of the two of you fighting over whether or not she was taking good enough care of herself. You did the right thing to just let her do what she wanted. Genetics plays a much larger role in a person’s lifespan than doctors want to admit.
Analyzing all the little particulars one could have done a little differently is a natural part of grieving the death of a loved one. It’s also one of those things that can really lead to extra stress and obsessive worrying (for some) if left unchecked. It’s important to surround yourself with as much positivity as you can.
 
Analyzing all the little particulars one could have done a little differently is a natural part of grieving the death of a loved one. It’s also one of those things that can really lead to extra stress and obsessive worrying (for some) if left unchecked. It’s important to surround yourself with as much positivity as you can.

Don’t I know it.
 
Sorry for the loss brother. I know that’s it’s of little comfort, but your sherbros are here man. Sending prayers
 
I cannot think a good song for this occasion. I only know a good one for general death, father and mother.

But sorry for your loss

I guess these will have to do



 
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