Death Match: You vs. Adult Male Chimp (Below Average Sized)

Discussion in 'Mayberry Lounge' started by Arkridge, Mar 20, 2017.

?

Who Wins?

  1. I'd Kill That Stupid Chimp

    40.6%
  2. I'm As Good As Dead

    59.4%
  1. Arkridge Senior Moderator

    Arkridge
    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2010
    Messages:
    18,010
    Likes Received:
    17,818
    Location:
    San Jose
    Simple question. Do you think you could win in a fight to the death against a below average sized adult male chimp?

    The one kicker: You get a YOUTH sized aluminum baseball bat.

    The match takes place in the UFC but the fencing has been replaced with a hockey style plexi-glass so the chimp can't have the advantage of climbing shit.

    Who's gonna survive? You, or the chimp?
     
    #1
    Übermacht and TeTe like this.
  2. zieg Big O, It's Showtime!

    zieg
    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2010
    Messages:
    3,625
    Likes Received:
    3,718
    Is the Chimp blood lusted or in character?
     
    #2
  3. Arkridge Senior Moderator

    Arkridge
    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2010
    Messages:
    18,010
    Likes Received:
    17,818
    Location:
    San Jose
    Average non blood lusted chimp, brah. I'm assuming having a baseball bat swung at his head may change this though.
     
    #3
    GSPSAKU and TeTe like this.
  4. Dr Hannibal Lecter Rogue

    Dr Hannibal Lecter
    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2008
    Messages:
    28,113
    Likes Received:
    11,811
    Location:
    Somewhere naughty
    First crush his balls then his skull.
     
    #4
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017
    cmw43 and ClubFoot like this.
  5. Brampton_Boy Douchey Mc Douche

    Brampton_Boy
    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2002
    Messages:
    6,359
    Likes Received:
    3,420
    Location:
    Brampton, Ontario
    I don't like my chances against a Gibbon, much less a chimp.

    Prediction: I swing the bat and the chimp absorbs the blow. He grabs my testicles and tears them out, then proceeds to rearrange my face.
     
    #5
    Jackie Blue, ClubFoot, RayA and 3 others like this.
  6. BisexualMMA Don't Put My Name in the Name of Steroids!

    BisexualMMA
    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2010
    Messages:
    26,389
    Likes Received:
    35,317
    Location:
    Super Fight League Corporate HQ
    Let's just say this is going to play out like The Untouchables.
     
    #6
    ClubFoot likes this.
  7. TeTe What a time to be alive!!!

    TeTe
    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2008
    Messages:
    32,001
    Likes Received:
    55,183
    Location:
    Chicago
    I wouldn't even need the bat. My left hook is deadly enough.
     
    #7
    bad seed, ssBaldy, Kraysla and 5 others like this.
  8. Arkridge Senior Moderator

    Arkridge
    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2010
    Messages:
    18,010
    Likes Received:
    17,818
    Location:
    San Jose
    We gotta photoshop a beta ass chimp into this. TeTe by first round KO, eh?
    [​IMG]
     
    #8
    PRIDEWASBETTER and TeTe like this.
  9. Hans Gercmiov Steel Belt

    Hans Gercmiov
    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2010
    Messages:
    31,369
    Likes Received:
    34,081
    Location:
    Texas
    I can't beat a chimp. I used to be the best power hitter on my team though when I was a kid, so if I catch him with that bat, he a dondada.
     
    #9
  10. Arkridge Senior Moderator

    Arkridge
    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2010
    Messages:
    18,010
    Likes Received:
    17,818
    Location:
    San Jose
    You don't think you'd be able to land 1-2 good swings before he closes the distance and gets those fangs on you?
     
    #10
    TeTe likes this.
  11. zieg Big O, It's Showtime!

    zieg
    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2010
    Messages:
    3,625
    Likes Received:
    3,718
    Ok. I see this going two ways.

    Scenario 1:
    Walk up casually to the unsuspecting Chimp. Chimp just waves and lays down. I bash it's head in with the bat several times pissing it off. Chimp is now raging. He goes for my face but I throw pocket sand in it's face and I shoot in for a single leg to the left side. Chimp is still blinded but easily whizzers out and gets out of the single. Chimp is closing in and I pick up the bat one last time. Desperation shot lands on the temple of the Chimp and I finish it with more blows to the head. Mazzagatti stops the bout on cue, too late.

    Scenario 2:
    Swing bat at Chimp and it gets pissed. Chimp grabs bat and beats me to death with it.
     
    #11
    ClubFoot, blopdak and Arkridge like this.
  12. Übermacht SON = GOD

    Übermacht
    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,836
    Likes Received:
    6,607
    Location:
    Platinum Nation = Trash Can Train Station
    Chimps are mean bastards but the average 6'6 lean 260 lbs Sherdogger should have a puncher's chance. You better not be missing those first shots tho.
     
    #12
    IAC, HunterAcosta and Arkridge like this.
  13. Secret Agent BOB SPONGE

    Secret Agent
    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2006
    Messages:
    37,204
    Likes Received:
    6,710
    You're asking whether I could beat an animal with a bat?
     
    #13
  14. Hans Gercmiov Steel Belt

    Hans Gercmiov
    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2010
    Messages:
    31,369
    Likes Received:
    34,081
    Location:
    Texas
    If he ain't in battle mode yet I'm sure I can get a good swing on him. And believe me, I can swing a baseball bat. And when I used to play I was like 140. Now I'm 220 with the same mechanics. I'd bet I can crush any skull in the land animal kingdom given a free swing.
     
    #14
    cmw43, Pwent and Arkridge like this.
  15. faustian THE LOOSE CANNON

    faustian
    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2012
    Messages:
    34,630
    Likes Received:
    48,564
    Location:
    Coral Gables
    Don't need the beisbol bat. Chimps are overrated
     
    #15
    Phlog likes this.
  16. Misfit23 Black Belt

    Misfit23
    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2007
    Messages:
    5,662
    Likes Received:
    2,211
    Location:
    Portland, OR
    I use to ufc with some friends in my backyard back in the summer of `08. I think I can handle some chimp.
     
    #16
    Arkridge likes this.
  17. Secret Agent BOB SPONGE

    Secret Agent
    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2006
    Messages:
    37,204
    Likes Received:
    6,710
    Words that should not be used in combination: "average-sized," "adult male chimp," and "fellatio."
     
    #17
    Jackie Blue likes this.
  18. Twelve75 Black Belt

    Twelve75
    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2015
    Messages:
    5,862
    Likes Received:
    3,639
    Location:
    Flat Earth
    The average sherdogger couldn't beat a gimp let alone a chimp ffs
     
    #18
  19. jeicex Tactleneck Enthusiast

    jeicex
    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2011
    Messages:
    20,495
    Likes Received:
    22,496
    Location:
    The Danger Zone
    No bat necessary, just gotta touch him with the jab and it's all over.
     
    #19
    Arkridge likes this.
  20. TheNinja Silver Belt

    TheNinja
    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2005
    Messages:
    11,794
    Likes Received:
    4,100
    Location:
    East Bay, Cali
    Yes. I could beat a chimp with a baseball bat. He's not used to having large object swung at him so he would either not move and I'd smash his skull or I'd break his arm with my first swing.
    Then again I've seen how fast those bastards can move.
     
    #20
    Jackie Blue likes this.

Share This Page

monitoring_string = "fd5733925866a04e50edd70f38dfaa35"
monitoring_string = "603ac9fff68f23709f2a42bf5e29272b"