LIVE NOW: Rising Heavyweight prospect & LFA Heavyweight title challenger, Jared "The Mountain" Vanderaa stops by for a Q&A before he takes on Richard Odoms next Friday at LFA 15! Check it out: here!

Death Match: You vs. Adult Male Chimp (Below Average Sized)

Discussion in 'Mayberry Lounge' started by Arkridge, Mar 20, 2017.

?

Who Wins?

  1. I'd Kill That Stupid Chimp

    40.6%
  2. I'm As Good As Dead

    59.4%
  1. Arkridge Senior Moderator

    Arkridge
    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2010
    Messages:
    17,683
    Likes Received:
    16,439
    Location:
    San Jose
    Simple question. Do you think you could win in a fight to the death against a below average sized adult male chimp?

    The one kicker: You get a YOUTH sized aluminum baseball bat.

    The match takes place in the UFC but the fencing has been replaced with a hockey style plexi-glass so the chimp can't have the advantage of climbing shit.

    Who's gonna survive? You, or the chimp?
     
    #1
    Übermacht and TeTe like this.
  2. zieg Berserk

    zieg
    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2010
    Messages:
    3,403
    Likes Received:
    3,101
    Is the Chimp blood lusted or in character?
     
    #2
  3. Arkridge Senior Moderator

    Arkridge
    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2010
    Messages:
    17,683
    Likes Received:
    16,439
    Location:
    San Jose
    Average non blood lusted chimp, brah. I'm assuming having a baseball bat swung at his head may change this though.
     
    #3
    GSPSAKU and TeTe like this.
  4. Dr Hannibal Lecter Rogue

    Dr Hannibal Lecter
    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2008
    Messages:
    28,066
    Likes Received:
    11,456
    Location:
    Somewhere naughty
    First crush his balls then his skull.
     
    #4
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017
    cmw43 and ClubFoot like this.
  5. Brampton_Boy Douchey Mc Douche

    Brampton_Boy
    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2002
    Messages:
    6,353
    Likes Received:
    3,371
    Location:
    Brampton, Ontario
    I don't like my chances against a Gibbon, much less a chimp.

    Prediction: I swing the bat and the chimp absorbs the blow. He grabs my testicles and tears them out, then proceeds to rearrange my face.
     
    #5
    Jackie Blue, ClubFoot, RayA and 3 others like this.
  6. BisexualMMA Don't Put My Name in the Name of Steroids!

    BisexualMMA
    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2010
    Messages:
    25,783
    Likes Received:
    33,592
    Location:
    Super Fight League Corporate HQ
    Let's just say this is going to play out like The Untouchables.
     
    #6
    ClubFoot likes this.
  7. TeTe What a time to be alive!!!

    TeTe
    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2008
    Messages:
    31,647
    Likes Received:
    53,953
    Location:
    Chicago
    I wouldn't even need the bat. My left hook is deadly enough.
     
    #7
    bad seed, ssBaldy, Kraysla and 5 others like this.
  8. Arkridge Senior Moderator

    Arkridge
    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2010
    Messages:
    17,683
    Likes Received:
    16,439
    Location:
    San Jose
    We gotta photoshop a beta ass chimp into this. TeTe by first round KO, eh?
    [​IMG]
     
    #8
    PRIDEWASBETTER and TeTe like this.
  9. Hans Gercmiov Steel Belt

    Hans Gercmiov
    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2010
    Messages:
    31,027
    Likes Received:
    33,078
    Location:
    Texas
    I can't beat a chimp. I used to be the best power hitter on my team though when I was a kid, so if I catch him with that bat, he a dondada.
     
    #9
  10. Arkridge Senior Moderator

    Arkridge
    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2010
    Messages:
    17,683
    Likes Received:
    16,439
    Location:
    San Jose
    You don't think you'd be able to land 1-2 good swings before he closes the distance and gets those fangs on you?
     
    #10
    TeTe likes this.
  11. zieg Berserk

    zieg
    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2010
    Messages:
    3,403
    Likes Received:
    3,101
    Ok. I see this going two ways.

    Scenario 1:
    Walk up casually to the unsuspecting Chimp. Chimp just waves and lays down. I bash it's head in with the bat several times pissing it off. Chimp is now raging. He goes for my face but I throw pocket sand in it's face and I shoot in for a single leg to the left side. Chimp is still blinded but easily whizzers out and gets out of the single. Chimp is closing in and I pick up the bat one last time. Desperation shot lands on the temple of the Chimp and I finish it with more blows to the head. Mazzagatti stops the bout on cue, too late.

    Scenario 2:
    Swing bat at Chimp and it gets pissed. Chimp grabs bat and beats me to death with it.
     
    #11
    ClubFoot, blopdak and Arkridge like this.
  12. Übermacht Platibum Bless

    Übermacht
    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,811
    Likes Received:
    6,210
    Location:
    Islamic Republic of Deutschistan
    Chimps are mean bastards but the average 6'6 lean 260 lbs Sherdogger should have a puncher's chance. You better not be missing those first shots tho.
     
    #12
    IAC, HunterAcosta and Arkridge like this.
  13. Secret Agent BOB SPONGE

    Secret Agent
    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2006
    Messages:
    36,705
    Likes Received:
    5,542
    You're asking whether I could beat an animal with a bat?
     
    #13
  14. Hans Gercmiov Steel Belt

    Hans Gercmiov
    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2010
    Messages:
    31,027
    Likes Received:
    33,078
    Location:
    Texas
    If he ain't in battle mode yet I'm sure I can get a good swing on him. And believe me, I can swing a baseball bat. And when I used to play I was like 140. Now I'm 220 with the same mechanics. I'd bet I can crush any skull in the land animal kingdom given a free swing.
     
    #14
    cmw43, Pwent and Arkridge like this.
  15. faustian THE LOOSE CANNON

    faustian
    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2012
    Messages:
    33,519
    Likes Received:
    44,764
    Location:
    Coral Gables
    Don't need the beisbol bat. Chimps are overrated
     
    #15
    Phlog likes this.
  16. Misfit23 Black Belt

    Misfit23
    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2007
    Messages:
    5,628
    Likes Received:
    2,148
    Location:
    Portland, OR
    I use to ufc with some friends in my backyard back in the summer of `08. I think I can handle some chimp.
     
    #16
    Arkridge likes this.
  17. Secret Agent BOB SPONGE

    Secret Agent
    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2006
    Messages:
    36,705
    Likes Received:
    5,542
    Words that should not be used in combination: "average-sized," "adult male chimp," and "fellatio."
     
    #17
    Jackie Blue likes this.
  18. Twelve75 Black Belt

    Twelve75
    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2015
    Messages:
    5,522
    Likes Received:
    3,192
    Location:
    Flat Earth
    The average sherdogger couldn't beat a gimp let alone a chimp ffs
     
    #18
  19. jeicex Tactleneck Enthusiast

    jeicex
    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2011
    Messages:
    20,135
    Likes Received:
    21,307
    Location:
    The Danger Zone
    No bat necessary, just gotta touch him with the jab and it's all over.
     
    #19
    Arkridge likes this.
  20. TheNinja Silver Belt

    TheNinja
    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2005
    Messages:
    11,723
    Likes Received:
    3,975
    Location:
    East Bay, Cali
    Yes. I could beat a chimp with a baseball bat. He's not used to having large object swung at him so he would either not move and I'd smash his skull or I'd break his arm with my first swing.
    Then again I've seen how fast those bastards can move.
     
    #20
    Jackie Blue likes this.

Share This Page

monitoring_string = "fd5733925866a04e50edd70f38dfaa35"
monitoring_string = "603ac9fff68f23709f2a42bf5e29272b"