Death Match: You vs. Adult Male Chimp (Below Average Sized)

Discussion in 'Mayberry Lounge' started by Arkridge, Mar 20, 2017.

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Who Wins?

  1. I'd Kill That Stupid Chimp

    40.6%
  2. I'm As Good As Dead

    59.4%
  1. Arkridge Senior Moderator

    Arkridge
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    Simple question. Do you think you could win in a fight to the death against a below average sized adult male chimp?

    The one kicker: You get a YOUTH sized aluminum baseball bat.

    The match takes place in the UFC but the fencing has been replaced with a hockey style plexi-glass so the chimp can't have the advantage of climbing shit.

    Who's gonna survive? You, or the chimp?
     
    #1
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  2. Lavitz Gust of Wind Dance

    Lavitz
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    Is the Chimp blood lusted or in character?
     
    #2
  3. Arkridge Senior Moderator

    Arkridge
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    Average non blood lusted chimp, brah. I'm assuming having a baseball bat swung at his head may change this though.
     
    #3
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  4. Dr Hannibal Lecter ẖry-ḥb.t ḥry-tp

    Dr Hannibal Lecter
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    First crush his balls then his skull.
     
    #4
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017
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  5. Brampton_Boy Douchey Mc Douche

    Brampton_Boy
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    I don't like my chances against a Gibbon, much less a chimp.

    Prediction: I swing the bat and the chimp absorbs the blow. He grabs my testicles and tears them out, then proceeds to rearrange my face.
     
    #5
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  6. BisexualMMA Don't Put My Name in the Name of Steroids!

    BisexualMMA
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    Let's just say this is going to play out like The Untouchables.
     
    #6
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  7. TeTe Keeping the inmates in line

    TeTe
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    I wouldn't even need the bat. My left hook is deadly enough.
     
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  8. Arkridge Senior Moderator

    Arkridge
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    We gotta photoshop a beta ass chimp into this. TeTe by first round KO, eh?
    [​IMG]
     
    #8
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  9. Hans Gercmiov Steel Belt

    Hans Gercmiov
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    I can't beat a chimp. I used to be the best power hitter on my team though when I was a kid, so if I catch him with that bat, he a dondada.
     
    #9
  10. Arkridge Senior Moderator

    Arkridge
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    You don't think you'd be able to land 1-2 good swings before he closes the distance and gets those fangs on you?
     
    #10
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  11. Lavitz Gust of Wind Dance

    Lavitz
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    Ok. I see this going two ways.

    Scenario 1:
    Walk up casually to the unsuspecting Chimp. Chimp just waves and lays down. I bash it's head in with the bat several times pissing it off. Chimp is now raging. He goes for my face but I throw pocket sand in it's face and I shoot in for a single leg to the left side. Chimp is still blinded but easily whizzers out and gets out of the single. Chimp is closing in and I pick up the bat one last time. Desperation shot lands on the temple of the Chimp and I finish it with more blows to the head. Mazzagatti stops the bout on cue, too late.

    Scenario 2:
    Swing bat at Chimp and it gets pissed. Chimp grabs bat and beats me to death with it.
     
    #11
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  12. Übermacht USFC champion

    Übermacht
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    Chimps are mean bastards but the average 6'6 lean 260 lbs Sherdogger should have a puncher's chance. You better not be missing those first shots tho.
     
    #12
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  13. Secret Agent MANNY DIXON-DIÁZ

    Secret Agent
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    You're asking whether I could beat an animal with a bat?
     
    #13
  14. Hans Gercmiov Steel Belt

    Hans Gercmiov
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    If he ain't in battle mode yet I'm sure I can get a good swing on him. And believe me, I can swing a baseball bat. And when I used to play I was like 140. Now I'm 220 with the same mechanics. I'd bet I can crush any skull in the land animal kingdom given a free swing.
     
    #14
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  15. faustian THE LOOSE CANNON

    faustian
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    Don't need the beisbol bat. Chimps are overrated
     
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  16. Misfit23 Yellow Card

    Misfit23
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    I use to ufc with some friends in my backyard back in the summer of `08. I think I can handle some chimp.
     
    #16
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  17. Secret Agent MANNY DIXON-DIÁZ

    Secret Agent
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    Words that should not be used in combination: "average-sized," "adult male chimp," and "fellatio."
     
    #17
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  18. Twelve75 Black Belt

    Twelve75
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    The average sherdogger couldn't beat a gimp let alone a chimp ffs
     
    #18
  19. jeicex Tactleneck Enthusiast

    jeicex
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    No bat necessary, just gotta touch him with the jab and it's all over.
     
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  20. TheNinja Silver Belt

    TheNinja
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    Yes. I could beat a chimp with a baseball bat. He's not used to having large object swung at him so he would either not move and I'd smash his skull or I'd break his arm with my first swing.
    Then again I've seen how fast those bastards can move.
     
    #20
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