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In the last six years I've been traveling the country for work. In July 2015 while I was in Minnesota, I fell in love with the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She fell in love with me as well, and even though she had to go back to France for a job, we kept it alive via long distance.
I went to France twice, once in February 2016 and again in June. She came back here to see me in September for three weeks, and again on New Year's and stayed for 5 weeks.
The whole thing was love. The kind of love that can disgust someone that's not much of a believer in it(A description that would have fit me before) and originally our plan was to move to Portland Oregon. Her major is in Hospitality so we figured she would be able to find a hotel to work at wherever we chose to live and we were going to choose Portland.
We were not very educated on what it would take to make that move and last August we came to the realization that the Visa that at the time she had planned to apply for was no longer in existence. And it was not replaced with a similar Visa. We would have to get married to get her over here.
For a few days that was the plan, until it was shut down by her mother. She comes from an affluent family in France, I come from nothing in small town USA Indiana. So of course I was down to get it done, being in love and all. With her, I could tell she didn't want to completely disappoint her parents and get married just to achieve the goal of moving when really we weren't ready to be wed yet.
She went to a conference in Paris late last year to enter a lottery which would send French workers to Canada to live and work. The lottery came and went and her name was not drawn. So during her 5 weeks stay here this year we began looking all around the world trying to find a place where we could go and we could be together, and found that it was not going to be easy no matter what with my education and with the money I had.
Despite that, and despite the fact that we had no solid plan going forward to move together, or even to visit each other yet, everything was great. We were both sad to have to separate and when I returned there was love notes hidden all over the house, 30 in all, expressing her love and devotion.
30 days later I get the call and " she couldn't do it anymore".
I was heartbroken. I knew how she was, when she makes a decision and that's what it's going to be no matter what, so I went several days without reaching out to her to try to change her mind. But after a few days of darkness where suicide was contemplated, I finally made the call and began to battle with her as I tried to save the relationship.
And as I originally guessed, she wasn't having it.
I would not relent.
Two weeks later I see that she's already met and talking to some guy. I knew what was going to happen and confronted her about it. "Oh I want nothing with him". Right.
I started to take on more projects to try to keep it off of my mind. Nothing ever worked. I couldn't Envision a life without her, without her love. I guess I've never been in love before, because nothing compared to this. And it really made me start to take a hard look at everything.
I started to try and apply myself 110% to everything. Started to work on myself. I'm learning French faster than I ever was, I've been hitting the gym super hard with a personal trainer, been on a very clean diet, I even went indoor tanning to try to get a good tan for the summer.
None of this made me stop thinking of her.
I became suicidal last Sunday. I spent all of Saturday night drinking by myself, which I never do, trying to get her off of my mind and all I did was sit and cry by myself. I told myself then on Sunday when I go left, I'm going to work out until I vomit. And so I did, until I puked. I still struggled to hide the fact that I was sobbing between sets with my personal trainer there, a total embarrassment.
I train Jiu-Jitsu since 2006 so typically I find that physically exerting yourself usually takes that type of thing off of your mind, any problems. When I worked out until I puked and still couldn't, that's when I made my decision, I would end it all.
I'm not sure what would have happened that day. I was riding the momentum that I was on and I was sure that it was all over, that I would hang myself. I got on Facebook and group messaged a few of my friends to let them know that I loved them and to not search for answers because there really aren't any. I had to do this because I had to ride this momentum, which meant I had no time to write notes for everyone. All of these people live outside of my town and a lot of them were gone for the weekend holiday, so I thought. Instead a few of them were in town and quickly got to my house before anything took place.
So that's when I got to hear all of the cliche shit. Plenty of fish in the sea. Time Heals all wounds. You'll find another one like her. Find a way to be content.
I got through the day. The week wasn't so bad, I literally felt like I died that day and so I found myself not caring about a lot of the small stuff in life because I had already died. It gave me a new sense of freedom.
But still, she was on my mind. I reached out and told her that I want to talk to her, that I want to hit the reset button on this entire thing and completely understand just what the hell happened. We talked for a little bit on Friday but decided we would call on Sunday so we could have as much time as we wanted. The call went okay and I found myself in a decent mood, decent enough to go to a concert on Saturday night that I normally wouldn't be caught dead at. (Future, the rapper if you're wondering)
And it was there, looking at everything going on, that it really struck me. How the world is a giant petri dish and we are nothing more than organisms here to eat sleep and fuck. Guess he doesn't sand dozens and dozens of women that are the similar height similar frame similar body type to my girlfriend, maybe they're with their boyfriend or maybe bear in a group bouncing up and down and singing every single lyric to do songs that I fucking hate. You sit back and you look and you think, "wow all of these people are going to fuck tonight when I get home."
But I can't. I'm still not ready. I'm sure I would be able to eventually, but I've never been the type of guy that can go to a bar, go to a concert, and just pick up a chick for sex. And yet that is what makes the world go round. It really put me on a bad path in a bad mindset considering the phone call I would have the next day. Under the French girl was moving on without me and here I am, absolutely pathetic and judging everyone for being human beings because I can't seem to be.
I look decent, I take care of myself, I know I could be fully capable of playing that game and winning more than I Lose. I'm not interested.
I would rather make love to the same woman 1 million times that I love then fuck 1 million hos. I don't know where I became broken, how I became a defect, but I am this way and it's the way it is.
So I called her today and explain that part to her. We had a nice discussion but at the end she admitted to me that she did have sex with that guy multiple times.
It makes me fucking sick that she can be better now while I remain devastated. Makes me sick that I have to become one of those organisms in the petri dish to even get started again with women.
I just feel like I come at total defect in this world. Like I somehow came to the conclusion that I feel like I'm smarter than everyone else and I can see this, well they can't even see themselves what they're doing. Eating sleeping fucking. How is dressing and doing your hair and doing certain things a certain way to attract random members of the opposite sex for sex. It's a big fucking game.
I feel so disenchanted and disillusioned and dissatisfied with this world. What it has to offer me. It's not satisfactory to me.
I refuse to become something I don't like just to feel better for a few minutes. Or become that way permanently.
A part of me wants to get revenge on this woman, show my Venom and therefore spread the pain around and ruin her career and her life by dumping the 700 nude photos and some of the videos we made on the internet with her name phone number and everything and then killing myself.
Being dead. Not feeling. Hoping I'm reincarnated as someone that's normal and can just be blissfully ignorant like everyone else. Or maybe go relive the three weeks and Dallas that I had with her which was the best three weeks of my life, and three weeks that I will never replicate again.
Nothing tastes, nothing smells, nothing feels except painting now. Everything is dull.
I know it doesn't anyone's fault for being human, and I shouldn't punish her on my way out, but I'm going to. You can call it the world's largest temper tantrum.
But even still, I still don't know where I was broken. Why I couldn't be like my father who fucked around on my mom that's probably hadn't sex with 300 women period I don't know why I can't be that guy that a super social at a concert and pulls a bitch to come home with him. It's a game I don't even want to play, and yet it's the game of wife.
So I'm feeling like, game over. She is supposed to call me tomorrow and that's what I'm going to let her know that she is going to pay for being so callous ( as to not make this too long I looked out certain details on the OP) and after I'm finished dumping all the info on 4chan, I'm going to end it myself. The only thing being negotiable is what I do to her.
Does anyone have any idea what the fuck went wrong with me? This is beyond putting one pussy on a pedestal, this is my Outlook on the world. I was so happy to have my beautiful girlfriend that I loved and she loved me and that's all that fucking mattered. I'm 30 with a kid, I'll never find another woman without a bunch of baggage and a kid or two. I'll never raise Another Man's children, and I won't accept any bitches baggage, even though I have my own. It's selfish. It's hypocritical. Yep that's me.
I went to France twice, once in February 2016 and again in June. She came back here to see me in September for three weeks, and again on New Year's and stayed for 5 weeks.
The whole thing was love. The kind of love that can disgust someone that's not much of a believer in it(A description that would have fit me before) and originally our plan was to move to Portland Oregon. Her major is in Hospitality so we figured she would be able to find a hotel to work at wherever we chose to live and we were going to choose Portland.
We were not very educated on what it would take to make that move and last August we came to the realization that the Visa that at the time she had planned to apply for was no longer in existence. And it was not replaced with a similar Visa. We would have to get married to get her over here.
For a few days that was the plan, until it was shut down by her mother. She comes from an affluent family in France, I come from nothing in small town USA Indiana. So of course I was down to get it done, being in love and all. With her, I could tell she didn't want to completely disappoint her parents and get married just to achieve the goal of moving when really we weren't ready to be wed yet.
She went to a conference in Paris late last year to enter a lottery which would send French workers to Canada to live and work. The lottery came and went and her name was not drawn. So during her 5 weeks stay here this year we began looking all around the world trying to find a place where we could go and we could be together, and found that it was not going to be easy no matter what with my education and with the money I had.
Despite that, and despite the fact that we had no solid plan going forward to move together, or even to visit each other yet, everything was great. We were both sad to have to separate and when I returned there was love notes hidden all over the house, 30 in all, expressing her love and devotion.
30 days later I get the call and " she couldn't do it anymore".
I was heartbroken. I knew how she was, when she makes a decision and that's what it's going to be no matter what, so I went several days without reaching out to her to try to change her mind. But after a few days of darkness where suicide was contemplated, I finally made the call and began to battle with her as I tried to save the relationship.
And as I originally guessed, she wasn't having it.
I would not relent.
Two weeks later I see that she's already met and talking to some guy. I knew what was going to happen and confronted her about it. "Oh I want nothing with him". Right.
I started to take on more projects to try to keep it off of my mind. Nothing ever worked. I couldn't Envision a life without her, without her love. I guess I've never been in love before, because nothing compared to this. And it really made me start to take a hard look at everything.
I started to try and apply myself 110% to everything. Started to work on myself. I'm learning French faster than I ever was, I've been hitting the gym super hard with a personal trainer, been on a very clean diet, I even went indoor tanning to try to get a good tan for the summer.
None of this made me stop thinking of her.
I became suicidal last Sunday. I spent all of Saturday night drinking by myself, which I never do, trying to get her off of my mind and all I did was sit and cry by myself. I told myself then on Sunday when I go left, I'm going to work out until I vomit. And so I did, until I puked. I still struggled to hide the fact that I was sobbing between sets with my personal trainer there, a total embarrassment.
I train Jiu-Jitsu since 2006 so typically I find that physically exerting yourself usually takes that type of thing off of your mind, any problems. When I worked out until I puked and still couldn't, that's when I made my decision, I would end it all.
I'm not sure what would have happened that day. I was riding the momentum that I was on and I was sure that it was all over, that I would hang myself. I got on Facebook and group messaged a few of my friends to let them know that I loved them and to not search for answers because there really aren't any. I had to do this because I had to ride this momentum, which meant I had no time to write notes for everyone. All of these people live outside of my town and a lot of them were gone for the weekend holiday, so I thought. Instead a few of them were in town and quickly got to my house before anything took place.
So that's when I got to hear all of the cliche shit. Plenty of fish in the sea. Time Heals all wounds. You'll find another one like her. Find a way to be content.
I got through the day. The week wasn't so bad, I literally felt like I died that day and so I found myself not caring about a lot of the small stuff in life because I had already died. It gave me a new sense of freedom.
But still, she was on my mind. I reached out and told her that I want to talk to her, that I want to hit the reset button on this entire thing and completely understand just what the hell happened. We talked for a little bit on Friday but decided we would call on Sunday so we could have as much time as we wanted. The call went okay and I found myself in a decent mood, decent enough to go to a concert on Saturday night that I normally wouldn't be caught dead at. (Future, the rapper if you're wondering)
And it was there, looking at everything going on, that it really struck me. How the world is a giant petri dish and we are nothing more than organisms here to eat sleep and fuck. Guess he doesn't sand dozens and dozens of women that are the similar height similar frame similar body type to my girlfriend, maybe they're with their boyfriend or maybe bear in a group bouncing up and down and singing every single lyric to do songs that I fucking hate. You sit back and you look and you think, "wow all of these people are going to fuck tonight when I get home."
But I can't. I'm still not ready. I'm sure I would be able to eventually, but I've never been the type of guy that can go to a bar, go to a concert, and just pick up a chick for sex. And yet that is what makes the world go round. It really put me on a bad path in a bad mindset considering the phone call I would have the next day. Under the French girl was moving on without me and here I am, absolutely pathetic and judging everyone for being human beings because I can't seem to be.
I look decent, I take care of myself, I know I could be fully capable of playing that game and winning more than I Lose. I'm not interested.
I would rather make love to the same woman 1 million times that I love then fuck 1 million hos. I don't know where I became broken, how I became a defect, but I am this way and it's the way it is.
So I called her today and explain that part to her. We had a nice discussion but at the end she admitted to me that she did have sex with that guy multiple times.
It makes me fucking sick that she can be better now while I remain devastated. Makes me sick that I have to become one of those organisms in the petri dish to even get started again with women.
I just feel like I come at total defect in this world. Like I somehow came to the conclusion that I feel like I'm smarter than everyone else and I can see this, well they can't even see themselves what they're doing. Eating sleeping fucking. How is dressing and doing your hair and doing certain things a certain way to attract random members of the opposite sex for sex. It's a big fucking game.
I feel so disenchanted and disillusioned and dissatisfied with this world. What it has to offer me. It's not satisfactory to me.
I refuse to become something I don't like just to feel better for a few minutes. Or become that way permanently.
A part of me wants to get revenge on this woman, show my Venom and therefore spread the pain around and ruin her career and her life by dumping the 700 nude photos and some of the videos we made on the internet with her name phone number and everything and then killing myself.
Being dead. Not feeling. Hoping I'm reincarnated as someone that's normal and can just be blissfully ignorant like everyone else. Or maybe go relive the three weeks and Dallas that I had with her which was the best three weeks of my life, and three weeks that I will never replicate again.
Nothing tastes, nothing smells, nothing feels except painting now. Everything is dull.
I know it doesn't anyone's fault for being human, and I shouldn't punish her on my way out, but I'm going to. You can call it the world's largest temper tantrum.
But even still, I still don't know where I was broken. Why I couldn't be like my father who fucked around on my mom that's probably hadn't sex with 300 women period I don't know why I can't be that guy that a super social at a concert and pulls a bitch to come home with him. It's a game I don't even want to play, and yet it's the game of wife.
So I'm feeling like, game over. She is supposed to call me tomorrow and that's what I'm going to let her know that she is going to pay for being so callous ( as to not make this too long I looked out certain details on the OP) and after I'm finished dumping all the info on 4chan, I'm going to end it myself. The only thing being negotiable is what I do to her.
Does anyone have any idea what the fuck went wrong with me? This is beyond putting one pussy on a pedestal, this is my Outlook on the world. I was so happy to have my beautiful girlfriend that I loved and she loved me and that's all that fucking mattered. I'm 30 with a kid, I'll never find another woman without a bunch of baggage and a kid or two. I'll never raise Another Man's children, and I won't accept any bitches baggage, even though I have my own. It's selfish. It's hypocritical. Yep that's me.
