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View Poll Results: Bourne's objective = Kill Bauer - Bauer's Objective = Kill Bourne - Who wins?
Jack Bauer 65 32.18%
Jason Bourne 137 67.82%
Voters: 202. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 08-25-2010, 12:42 AM   #131
Randy Marsh
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peteyandjia View Post
This shit ends now.

In season 1, Bauer punched a guy in the chest and he died.

He fucking died.

Okay?

In season 2, Jack Bauer shot a guy in the leg, because he didn't even want to kill him.

The fucking guy died anyway.

You just don't go near Jack Bauer, or you goddamn die. It's just that simple. Enemies, friends, coworkers, his bitches, it doesn't matter. Anybody, everybody, dead.

Bourne is a fucking pussy who picks chicks up at banks and drives them home. "I want to make sure you get home ok" yeah okay pussy.

Bauer kneecapped a bitch. She didn't do shit, he just fucking shot her in the kneecap. "TAKE THAT YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!"









(pictured here. he almost shot the guy, but then he thought "Jason Bourne would shoot the guy, I'm not a fucking pussy like Jason Bourne" and he shot the chick instead right in her fucking knee.)



All Bourne does is cry about women. Jack Bauer shoots them. Usually when they are unarmed. In fact now that I think about it, Jack Bauer is constantly shooting unarmed women in multiple seasons. He doesn't give a fuck. He's not a bad person though, he only does it when he runs out of guys to kill.

All you have to do is compare the way they do their killing, it's obvious.

Look at the way Bourne looks when he holds a gun, and tries to kill people.







Look at that stupid fucking face. The face says it all.

"Ooh I'm gonna getcha, oh darnit I'm outta bullets. OOH, I'm so mad, just you wait until I reload, I am gonna give you what for..."


Now, look at the way Bauer holds a gun.








There is no talk. It's fucking over. You are fucking dead. Anyone on the other end of that barrel is fucking dead, and you know it. Right away. No bullshit. No gay shit. No Ben Affleck. Just fucking instant death, bodies piled everywhere.

Bauer kills men, women, children, fat people, anyone. He killed a fat guy in season 2 and then cut his head off just for the fuck of it. Just cut his head, right off his dead fucking body. "I'm gonna need a hacksaw". He even told his bosses to get it for him, said it just like that. Bourne has never asked anyone for a hacksaw. The only time Bourne ever used a hacksaw, was when he cut off his own fucking nuts so he could give that bitch a ride home from the bank.

Fuck this shit. Bauer kills Bourne every single day of the week, and everyone knows it.
qfmft!!!

P.S. Bauer is faster than fire. Is Bourne?! I think not!!!


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Old 08-25-2010, 12:55 AM   #132
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How does Bauer kill Bourne whilst changing out of his depends?

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Old 08-25-2010, 01:07 AM   #133
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peteyandjia View Post
This shit ends now.

In season 1, Bauer punched a guy in the chest and he died.

He fucking died.

Okay?

In season 2, Jack Bauer shot a guy in the leg, because he didn't even want to kill him.

The fucking guy died anyway.

You just don't go near Jack Bauer, or you goddamn die. It's just that simple. Enemies, friends, coworkers, his bitches, it doesn't matter. Anybody, everybody, dead.

Bourne is a fucking pussy who picks chicks up at banks and drives them home. "I want to make sure you get home ok" yeah okay pussy.

Bauer kneecapped a bitch. She didn't do shit, he just fucking shot her in the kneecap. "TAKE THAT YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!"









(pictured here. he almost shot the guy, but then he thought "Jason Bourne would shoot the guy, I'm not a fucking pussy like Jason Bourne" and he shot the chick instead right in her fucking knee.)



All Bourne does is cry about women. Jack Bauer shoots them. Usually when they are unarmed. In fact now that I think about it, Jack Bauer is constantly shooting unarmed women in multiple seasons. He doesn't give a fuck. He's not a bad person though, he only does it when he runs out of guys to kill.

All you have to do is compare the way they do their killing, it's obvious.

Look at the way Bourne looks when he holds a gun, and tries to kill people.







Look at that stupid fucking face. The face says it all.

"Ooh I'm gonna getcha, oh darnit I'm outta bullets. OOH, I'm so mad, just you wait until I reload, I am gonna give you what for..."


Now, look at the way Bauer holds a gun.








There is no talk. It's fucking over. You are fucking dead. Anyone on the other end of that barrel is fucking dead, and you know it. Right away. No bullshit. No gay shit. No Ben Affleck. Just fucking instant death, bodies piled everywhere.

Bauer kills men, women, children, fat people, anyone. He killed a fat guy in season 2 and then cut his head off just for the fuck of it. Just cut his head, right off his dead fucking body. "I'm gonna need a hacksaw". He even told his bosses to get it for him, said it just like that. Bourne has never asked anyone for a hacksaw. The only time Bourne ever used a hacksaw, was when he cut off his own fucking nuts so he could give that bitch a ride home from the bank.

Fuck this shit. Bauer kills Bourne every single day of the week, and everyone knows it.
LMAO. Best post of the thread.

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Old 08-25-2010, 01:16 AM   #134
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peteyandjia View Post
This shit ends now.
Don't be scared homie

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Old 08-25-2010, 01:18 AM   #135
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Seriously, Bourne would have no chance against Bauer. The only thing that can kill Jack is FOX executives.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Sigh GunRanger View Post
What a terrible plan and execution in that video.
Bauer doesn't plan. He shoots.

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Last edited by Lucifer Alpha; 08-25-2010 at 01:24 AM.
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Old 08-25-2010, 01:23 AM   #136
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Also: Alcoholic antics.


WHURR DO I FLUSH???

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Old 08-25-2010, 01:24 AM   #137
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravden View Post
Seriously, Bourne would have no chance against Bauer. The only thing that can kill Jack is FOX executives.
Beauer fans equate the asshole endurance for dildo's, **** and tongue for Bauer's endurance in fisticuffs.

False, stupid, and ultimately ghey.

Enjoy yer ghey,.

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Old 08-25-2010, 01:27 AM   #138
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Three Gun Fish View Post
Also: Alcoholic antics.

bauer pants down.jpg

WHURR DO I FLUSH???
What???


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Old 08-25-2010, 01:32 AM   #139
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Secret Ending to 24 finale ftw





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Old 08-25-2010, 01:34 AM   #140
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peteyandjia View Post
This shit ends now.

In season 1, Bauer punched a guy in the chest and he died.

He fucking died.

Okay?

In season 2, Jack Bauer shot a guy in the leg, because he didn't even want to kill him...............
"So, with only Conklin's cell phone and a torn page from a notebook to go on, Jason Bourne sets off to find out who's trying to kill him and who killed his friends."

Taken from Badassoftheweek

From the moment that Jason Bourne’s half-dead, unconscious body was scooped out of the river by a bunch of crusty old European fishermen with nothing better to do than catch dead bodies in their tuna nets, he instantly became American public enemy number one.

The ex-CIA special operative suffered from some kind of bizarre, permanent severe long-term amnesia, presumably stemming from a crazy offshoot of post-traumatic stress disorder (though it should be noted that in the original Robert Ludlum book, Bourne sustained a gunshot wound that glanced off of his skull, making the whole amnesia thing a little easier to swallow), and had no fucking clue who the crap he was.

The man didn’t even know his own name, but holy shit his badassitude had been so deeply ingrained into his core being that from the second that three bullets were pulled from his cold, lifeless corpse he was ready to start busting motherfuckers’ heads open. Over the next couple of years, he would prove himself to be an insane badass espionage expert capable of single-handedly taking on everything from the United States government to Swiss park rangers, and making pretty much everyone in the world his bitch in the process.

Despite having no memory of his history as a top-secret black ops hardcore assassin motherfucker, Bourne’s training and badassitude has been so thoroughly hardwired into his brain that he was instantly competent in all manner of escape, evasion, hand-to-hand combat, and weapons skills right from the beginning of his adventure.

On the run from the invisible black hand of the Central Intelligence Agency, Bourne spends quite a bit of time evading security cameras, leaping off of roofs, beating the shit out of elite agency operatives, and pulling insane handbrake turns while flying down the busy streets of crowded European cities in a bunch of cars that are about one step removed from a broken-down 1988 Yugo.

Other than a massive wad of cash and about two dozen forged passports from a bunch of countries nobody has even heard of before, Bourne has no resources to speak of, and instead uses his wits, intelligence, instinct and asskicking prowess to evade capture, avoid detection, and exact revenge on some CIA directors who so royally screwed him over and are now trying to cover up their mistake by hiring dudes to put bullets into Bourne’s face.

His ultimate goal is to retrace his steps and learn the secret behind his existence, but you can pretty much assume that the process isn’t quite that easy when you’ve got America’s most well-trained, well-funded secret agents trying to kill you every time you even think about taking a leak.

Eventually Bourne manages to escape capture, get the CIA off his back, and lay low in India for a while with his girlfriend, but a guy like Jason Bourne can never truly leave his old life behind. One day some jackass Russian motherfucker shows up and shoots Bourne’s girlfriend in the head with a high-powered sniper rifle (Marie actually survives in the books and the two more-or-less live happily ever after, but the plots of the movie series and the books are so wildly different that it’s pretty much impossible to reconcile them both in one article), so Bourne comes out of hiding and starts living for some motherfucking revenge.

He takes the fight to the front doors of CIA itself, battles a corrupt Russian oil baron, and eventually exacts his vengeance in an insane car chase that culminates in Bourne using a stolen taxi cab to pile-drive his girlfriend’s murderer head-first into a tunnel support. Oh, and he also exposes an illegal plot by corrupt Agency directors to assassinate US citizens, kills half a dozen professional assassins, spits vodka in a cop’s face, learns the secret of his identity, fakes his own death, pops a wheelie on a dirtbike and independently outwits the police departments of Zurich, Madrid, Paris, Naples, Berlin, Moscow, London and New York City in the process. All in a day’s work for the world’s greatest super spy this side of James Bond.

One thing that is totally fucking badass about Jason Bourne is his insane hand-to-hand combat kung fu ninja face-punching skills. His fighting style is completely professional and direct – you don’t see any flying spin kicks or crazy backflips or wacky wire-fu Iron Monkey shit with Bourne, just quick, efficient strikes with no wasted motion, geared to disarm and subdue the enemy.


He can be facing three trained police officers with their pistols trained on his face, and with only five moves he’ll steal their weapons, knock them unconscious and take control of the situation before his opponents even have a chance to finish screaming their pain-fueled profanities. He's also really good at punching guys in the balls. Of course, no badass secret agent worth his handgun would let himself be slowed down by a bunch of average cops, and Bourne’s hand-to-hand truly skills shine when he goes up against some of the ultra-insane CIA assassins the Agency sends out to take his shit down.

He can hold his own against the best of the best, and he has an awesome talent for using the environment to his advantage, constantly beating the fuck out of his enemies with whatever ordinary household items he manages to wrap his fingers around. He’s used everything from books and extension cables to washcloths and candlesticks as lethal instruments of extreme bodily harm, pummeling and choking the shit out of some of the most dangerous and deadly men on the planet.

He took one knife-wielding assassin out by stabbing him repeatedly in the face and arms with a shitty ten-for-a-dollar ballpoint stick pen (something I dream of doing every single day that I’m working at my shitty desk job), and busted another guy up armed only with a fucking rolled-up magazine like he was some kind of disobedient puppy. When the Agency sent a hardcore badass sniper out to take him down, Bourne hunted the dude down like Simo Hayha in a long black coat, outsmarting him and finally shooting him in the chest a couple times with a double-barreled Doom-style hunting shotgun.

He’s also a master of interrogation who can get any information he wants from people simply by threatening them or beating the crap out of them.

It’s more than just ultimate asskickings that make Yay-son Bourne Identity such a balls-out super spy, however. His whole attitude and composure oozes badassery – he’s a consummate professional who stays completely cool under pressure and who is always one step ahead of his target. There’s no dramatics, no flashiness, no wasted motions. He doesn’t slip up, he doesn’t make mistakes, and oh yeah, every woman he meets falls in love with him because he’s also goddamned Matt Damon and I read somewhere that Matt Damon has that effect on women.

He can track down people who wish to stay hidden, elude capture by the best police agencies in the world and take out anyone who stands in his way without blinking, but even through all the professionalism and ruthless efficiency associated with his position as a black ops assassin, the Bourne character manages to retain his humanity somehow. He’s not a machine like the Terminator or some shit, he’s a man who is tortured by his past, and his flaws give him some distinctly human characteristics, which is also refreshing to see in an uber-badass.


Top 5 improvised weapons

More Than Fine: The Top 5 Jason-Bourne-Improvised Weapons


Desi Adventurers in ... Turkey: Jack Bauer vs. Jason Bourne

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